Quote from: Xhianil on November 22, 2013, 04:32:43 PM
Likely losing all connection to Susan's... Getting kicked out of a class... Going to face a lot of pain from my mother... Wanting just to die...

don't even think of suicide.

Quote from: AlexanderC on November 22, 2013, 02:47:18 PM
I walked up the aisle with my head down trying to think of a way out and he turned to the female side (I was hoping that they would be side by side so I could spot a bargain in the men's and get away with it that way). He was basically choosing it for me and my head was regretting going at all too much to cause a fight. I'm paranoid about anyone finding out, and I'm sure he's seen my leg hair and I wouldn't be surprised if he's noticed I don't wear bras. It wouldn't take much to put two and two together on me. Whatever its done now.

And I've had possibly the worst shower of my life. I'm still not believing that my mind was working that way. This place has stripped me of my identity, my name, anywhere I can be alone and feel safe, my personal space, and now it's taking my sanity. The things we do to be able to provide for our future families, eh?

I may have missed something. Did you join the military?

Quote from: Kristal on November 22, 2013, 05:16:13 PM
I may have missed something. Did you join the military?

Not quite, although I'm living on a naval base at the moment, meaning I have to wear a security badge all the time so there goes passing with strangers. I'm in a shared room with the girls and treated as such. I'm used to being perceived as female because I've not been able to come out yet, but not used to being lumped in with girls and treated like one. It was a last minute job, and I didn't have enough time to arrange things, or inform my employer that I'm trans. Plus I was fearful that if I brought it up again my parents would decide that I wasn't sane enough to go and I'd lose my best chance at getting a good career that I want to do.

Quote from: Xhianil on November 22, 2013, 04:32:43 PM
Likely losing all connection to Susan's... Getting kicked out of a class... Going to face a lot of pain from my mother... Wanting just to die...

You are not allowed to die. Contact us from the local library if you have to.  Is it possible that one less class may be actually helpful? Sometimes it helps to have more time to devote to other causes. I wish I could help with the mother part.
I don't know how to help, and it bothers me that you are going through this in a bad way.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 22, 2013, 05:32:36 PM
You are not allowed to die. Contact us from the local library if you have to.

I'd rather not have someone look over and see me on there, worsening my pain, plus i have no way to get there.

QuoteIs it possible that one less class may be actually helpful? Sometimes it helps to have more time to devote to other causes.

Just going to have to pick up another...

I want to stop HRT. Nothing has helped, and I'm worried about my help. 18 months ago I suffered from a major depressive episode that thought had finally stopped with the drugs and HRT. In July I started suffering depression and anxiety again after things got worse at work.

The truth is that it probably never went away. And my life died with it. I haven't had any real interest in life for the last 18 months, and transition was the only goal that made me move forwards. Now I just feel it hasn't been worth it. All the trip has just depressed me even more. Hormones never really changed my mood. Maybe my body image problems stopped (I stopped crying by just watching myself at the mirror, but the rest just got worse. I've been taking drugs nearly non stop from october to July, and now I can't stop ruminating if stopping the medication was the cause of losing my job. I just keep going in circles. I know that I was treated badly, greatly abused and that the amount of pain I endured made everything worse. Maybe I would have hold the blows better on medication?


I feel like drowning. a hole in my chest that keeps growing bigger and burning everything. I have a too big stone I can't remove, and a lot of painful paths.



I always said that I would never ever back down on transition since I had that pride, but what worth is pride? I'll go back to my sad past life. Every direction is bad, and I just want to get down from the life bus.

The pub by girlfriend works in was hit by a car tonight.  Two teenagers died, one on the scene, one in hospital.  She's completely shaken, and I want nothing more than to be able to hug her, and convince her that she couldn't have done anything more to help than call the emergency services and get someone out to them as quickly as possible.

I was reading the thread title, 99 problems. I too have 99 problems, each one being a lack of 99 benjamins.

It's only 830, I'm bored, and I want to just go to bed, but it's too early.
And I need better mallgoing clothes.

"Waking up," as an acquaintance of mine would say.

I got accused of spamming in the chat, of "copying & pasting from a script."

That didn't set me off though, it's thoughts of my life ... my mother being in a dementia ward and I hadn't bothered socializing with her for the decade we had together. She just never left home at the time. We always had lived in the same house for most of my life (sad about that) and shared it with my abusive father til he died basically in 2003 (pity him now rather than hate), I mourn all the things I lost...

Things like writing journals where I hand-wrote down notes. 2005 I lost like ten of those I'd written within that year or so... things like most of the furniture in the house we had. We lost the house itself because I couldn't care give for my mother and she couldn't take care of herself.

I mourn the doggy we had who was so decrepit at her death we had to put her to sleep (couldn't walk, lay in her own filth in the living room), I mourn the life I could have had.

I'm angry I didn't take up that police officer's offer to find me a new home when I was 18 after dad assaulted me....  So much anger....

I hate being brushed aside and swept under the rug because I'm mentally ill. 

Freezing cold weather, mostly because my food goes cold too quickly    But also because it costs too much in electricity to run the heater 

Quote from: V M on November 24, 2013, 07:48:57 AMFreezing cold weather, mostly because my food goes cold too quickly    But also because it costs too much in electricity to run the heater

Or in my case, having to run across a courtyard in 15 degree (Fahrenheit) temperatures just to get a cup of coffee at the caf.

I want to talk to someone but I'm sitting alone, and I'm awfull at talking via phone or internets...

Quote from: NathanielM on November 24, 2013, 07:59:52 AMI want to talk to someone but I'm sitting alone, and I'm awfull at talking via phone or internets...

I can only really do it over internet. I'm a terrible phone talker, and not much better at RL talking.
I can relate

Quote from: Willow on November 24, 2013, 08:03:54 AM
I can only really do it over internet. I'm a terrible phone talker, and not much better at RL talking.
I can relate

I need to try the skype. I could really use girl voice help... and I can't talk into a mic just to record -- I need someone on the other end! (My totally awesome microphone ~ Blue Snowball ~ is going to WASTE).

Quote from: kabit on November 24, 2013, 08:06:10 AMI need to try the skype. I could really use girl voice help... and I can't talk into a mic just to record -- I need someone on the other end! (My totally awesome microphone ~ Blue Snowball ~ is going to WASTE).

I'd Skype you, but no privacy

Kabit, what kinda practice? Just a regular convo? I've got skype.

Quote from: hurin19067 on November 24, 2013, 08:39:31 AM
Kabit, what kinda practice? Just a regular convo? I've got skype.

Yeah. I can't do it now (heading out w/ kids soon) but that would be awesome
My skype ID is KabtTarah

I hate arguing with people who think they know a subject I have spent years studying better than I do.
I hate it when people are so arrogant, they think they know me better than I know myself even though they just met me.
I hate it when people are so arrogant, they think they can dictate what I "have" to do and what I "should" think about other people.

I'm worried about my son and I don't know what to do. People keep giving me this really stupid advice or useless (and sometimes sketchy) comments and it makes this all even more frustrating. I don't say that lightly. Some of them are seriously sketchy.

Quote from: Edge on November 24, 2013, 02:47:27 PM
I hate arguing with people who think they know a subject I have spent years studying better than I do.
I hate it when people are so arrogant, they think they know me better than I know myself even though they just met me.
I hate it when people are so arrogant, they think they can dictate what I "have" to do and what I "should" think about other people.

I'm worried about my son and I don't know what to do. People keep giving me this really stupid advice or useless (and sometimes sketchy) comments and it makes this all even more frustrating. I don't say that lightly. Some of them are seriously sketchy.

The best advice I ever received was, "Listen to it all, use what you can, disregard the rest."

As to arrogance and knowing better than I when I have years more experience, I work with a lady like that now. She was most unhappy to have others let her know how long I had been there. It probably didn't help that most think rather highly of my work.