Hi Ladies!,
  I just wanted to first say that I've gotten so much support here on this sight and I'm so grateful for your support However I've been questioning myself lately as to whether or not I'm really a girl. Now keep in mind, this seems to happen for a couple weeks of every month and right now I think I'm pulling out of that phase I would really appreciate any feminine advice or support that would help me to stop feeling like Kayla just for part of the month. I want to feel like I am her always Also, I'm in high school so I'm feeling very limited as to what I can do to let Kayla out more.
Love,
Kayla

 

Kayla your not the only one who has these feelings so dont think your alone. from what the sex therapist use to tell me. is that its your way of fighting your desire to be yourself. rather than just fully embrace yourself and just be you. your having that what if moment. its not un common in people in general trans or not. and it can be a hard hurtle to get past depending on the person. but once you do you will so much better

One thing I like to do is sing along with songs by female singers.  It helps with voice practice too but you have to be aware of who is around if you aren't out.

I actually do that in the car Marissa! Thank you for your help Tristan
Love,

Hi Kayla,

For me, dysphoria is something that started out so small, just a wisp of thought, almost indistinguishable from the background noise in my everyday life. Yet the wisp grew over time into sporadic thoughts, conscious need and even then, I fought and refused to listen. Then, came the dressing, at first, just a little and it quieted the thoughts, the need, for a while.  Yet, it refused to go away, with each passing time I gave in, the need became more until no matter what I did, it never left.  Now, I have given in and recognized what I really am.

My best thought is that because you cannot let the need to be Kayla out all the time, the need comes and goes.  Given your situation and until you can do more, Kayla coming and going isn't bad.  It is very hard to be her and not be able to express as her.  I beleive that you should keep trying to get counseling and to talk with your parents.  Once you get to where you can express as her, she'll be there always.

I wish I could think of more.

Hugs,

Jen

 Thanks Jen
Love,

Just remember Kayla one day (not to long from now) the word dysphoria will be a thing of your past. that you dont even remember all that well. i know i sure dont and you wont either. just take the steps you need. rather you dive into transition or just get your feet wet 

It's hard a good therapist will help

 Thanks for all of you guys help so far!
Love,

I have found that doing what ever i can to take my mind off those awkward moments helps me out the most. Ill usually pop in my ear buds and crank up the Jason Aldean or Luke Bryan...or if im not in the mood for them the it's Lenny Cooper or Jawga Boy.....point is tho, no matter what you choose to listen to the music can help escape from life and drift off to a happy place. Yes i know your still in high school, but everyone has access to YouTube  :-)

I've gone through quite a few of the "WTF am I doing??!!!" periods these past few years as I take on the trans beast. They seem to last for days, sometimes for months. Most times pretty intense.

When they occur I have to keep on reminding reminding myself "I KNOW what doesn't work". I went 30+ years using diversions, distractions, and denial (the 3D's) to help stuff the trans feelings I had since a little kid. I know what sort of a life that led to. An existence, not a life at all. No hopes. No wishes, No dreams. The only one I ever truly wanted needing to be buried away.

Not doing those things, and finally addressing my true nature has brought joy back into my life. I have grown so much in many ways these past five years. It hasn't been easy. But I know I am far far better off following this path then the one I was on. Sure, it is scary. Often I feel the devil you know is better than the one you don't. Yet there is no denying...

I know what doesn't work

Quote from: Tristan on November 22, 2013, 10:17:02 PM
its your way of fighting your desire to be yourself. rather than just fully embrace yourself and just be you.

This is what I experienced for many years, not being able to relax and be myself. I think it's your mind trying to hang onto what it knows is a 'safe identity'. It's a bit like being stuck on the highest trampoline at the pool. Staying at the top might not be much fun, but at least it's safe. The water below (and the distance to it) is part of something unknown. Is the water cold? Are there sharks in the pool? What if I land head first onto a submarine? But once you're in the water it turns out that it wasn't so bad after all. It's a lot more fun and relaxing.

I was in such terrible turmoil in high school because I was so hurt inside and didn't know how to get help' It would be great if you can figure a way to get professional help, I know that's what I needed but didn't get. I ended up living in depression most my life. Now ,I'm very happy.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 24, 2013, 07:46:30 AM
I've gone through quite a few of the "WTF am I doing??!!!" periods these past few years as I take on the trans beast. They seem to last for days, sometimes for months. Most times pretty intense.

When they occur I have to keep on reminding reminding myself "I KNOW what doesn't work". I went 30+ years using diversions, distractions, and denial (the 3D's) to help stuff the trans feelings I had since a little kid. I know what sort of a life that led to. An existence, not a life at all. No hopes. No wishes, No dreams. The only one I ever truly wanted needing to be buried away.

Not doing those things, and finally addressing my true nature has brought joy back into my life. I have grown so much in many ways these past five years. It hasn't been easy. But I know I am far far better off following this path then the one I was on. Sure, it is scary. Often I feel the devil you know is better than the one you don't. Yet there is no denying...

I know what doesn't work

JoanneB...Do you mean there can actually be joy in life?   Your story sounds so much like my life.  I'm just starting on this path and I have like a a thousand questions.  Can I PM you?   

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 28, 2013, 10:40:47 AM
JoanneB...Do you mean there can actually be joy in life?   Your story sounds so much like my life.  I'm just starting on this path and I have like a a thousand questions.  Can I PM you?   

I found it pretty hard to believe, wasn't even looking for it. Passion was an even bigger surprise. Me thinks I was on to something when I decided I need to bring the two great and divergent aspects of myself together into one whole, healthy, and hopefully happy person

What a long strange road it's been

And yes, feel free to PM me.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 24, 2013, 07:46:30 AM
I've gone through quite a few of the "WTF am I doing??!!!" periods these past few years as I take on the trans beast. They seem to last for days, sometimes for months. Most times pretty intense.

When they occur I have to keep on reminding reminding myself "I KNOW what doesn't work". I went 30+ years using diversions, distractions, and denial (the 3D's) to help stuff the trans feelings I had since a little kid. I know what sort of a life that led to. An existence, not a life at all. No hopes. No wishes, No dreams. The only one I ever truly wanted needing to be buried away.

Not doing those things, and finally addressing my true nature has brought joy back into my life. I have grown so much in many ways these past five years. It hasn't been easy. But I know I am far far better off following this path then the one I was on. Sure, it is scary. Often I feel the devil you know is better than the one you don't. Yet there is no denying...

I know what doesn't work

This. A thousand times, this!

Thank you for saying it better than I could, Joanne!