Hi all. I've been here before, but the time was short as I was having a rough time when I originally joined. Now I'm back with I supposed a renewed drive to connect instead of usual run and hide. I'll share my story in a brief as I can way (i could right a novel without thinking).
From an early childhood I had a rough time. From being abandoned by my bio-mom at birth, to be abused in foster care and then to being finally adopted. I survived till 1 with a burn and a huge scar to help tell that tale. But like any child I was somewhat oblibious. I was happy and smiling and quite intelligent from the start. I remember things people wouldn't really believe, but I made it.
When I was able to walk around I was allowed to wear no shirt and to where my little short or little swimming trunks in the little kiddie pool. Whenever mom wanted to put a shirt on me I'd be upset so I started wearing little boys tank tops. They didn't mind that much. I always fought for more boys things like toys, shoes, clothing and wanted to play with the boys in school, but was constantly pulled away or forced into wearing girly things. Eventually they let up and I could watch cool tv shows like TMNT, Power Rangers, Swat Kats and so much more. I always pretend to be my favourite male super hero. Lou Ferrigno was especially my idol.
As I grew older who I was ran against a brick wall called society or life. I got in trouble with teachers when younger for flirting with girl classmates and threatened with phone calls to my parents. I was eventually being teased more for my "percieved" disabillity, and difference in looks to my parents. I realised that girls were disgusted by me, and my crush was horrified. After awhile I got the message I was different. That something was clearly wrong here. My dreams I was always male. My interactions were always boyish, and I wanted to dress more like a boy. It just kept getting worse the higher up the grades went.
High school...was firey. In the 9th grade I was inadvertantly discovered as being a "dyke". I told people I was Bi to lessen the blow, and even tried flirting with boys, but ended up being bullied by almost everyone at the school. Most of the teachers didn't care, but office staff were getting concerned. After nearly being a statistic to male. I decided I had to just start laying low and do my best. I failed the 9th grade, but someone must have been looking out for me, because the next school I actually qualified for 10th grade. That was a decent year of my life. I did well in school, and made two strong friends who didn't care who I was.
There was more going on behind the scenes at my home. I discovered that I was not allowed to date when I came out to my mom. Why? There was someone who interested me, and I thought it would be a good first step. Well I discovered that mom wasn't having it. She always wanted a little girl, not some boy and I tried to Bi card to ease her like I tried in 9th grade but it wasn't going to work. I struggled even more from that day forward.
12th grade was hard. I graduated. I don't know how but I did and I was glad. I didn't head out to college like most of my peers. I had taken such a mental and physical beating from all the stress that I begged to be allowed to take some time off to care for my needs. I was badgered and pestered and eventually went to tradeschool and just barely made it out. I made another wonderful friend who is still with me to date.
During all those times I fought and eventually I tried to dress more masculine. My shoes (men's shoes fit better), pants, shirts and eventually underwear. I was transitioning in my own way at that time. I didn't know what else to do to ease what I was feel throughout. There was a constant pushing and pulling going on in my head while trying to manage everything else. Everyone at the time called it "angst" It wasn't angst I knew that much for sure. It was not being able to really be that person I see in my head, that person I feel like being I look in the mirror and frown. I'm thankful to have a particular body shape and a moderate amount of natural body hair. But what I had I actually felt like more. I always felt I was bushy, muscular and tall, when I'm in fact short, medium weight and mildly hairy. This push and pull became strong to the point where suicide was a constant option. I attempted it when I was 6,7, and 8 but my parents don't know this. I was in so much pain at times. And recently last week that pain became great. I had packed my bags to walk to the hospital, because it had gotten that bad. And now today I'm back. Here. My head's alot clearer. And I've got better ideas for what I want for myself in terms of transitioning.
I spent the day looking up answers for being afraid of transitioning and even here at Susans. I found a lot of inspiring posts. Some brought tears to my eyes and then it helped me remember what I had actually done. The clothing, the improved diet, the meditation, and just relaxing and being the best person I can be. Being a caregiver has also played a part in the push. My responsibilities increased greatly and I had to call up so old tools. All of this is was part of my transition, and I'm at the point now where I'm ready to get something else moving forward. It's time to find a myself therapist.
Well I said I wasn't going to write a novel but I did. It's my story summarized from 0-24. It's funny all I've been through thus far it feels as if I'm already 50. I plan to linger around longer this time. I'm a bit more prepared and abit more open in a different way before. So thank you all who read this and let's see what the day brings. ^_^
