Quote from: particle on November 24, 2013, 08:14:39 PM
I'm terrified that I am a woman, and that I will need full transition and SRS and all that.  I'm so terrified I won't explore beyond sexual fantasies of myself as a woman, and occasional (maybe 10 times more fully, less than 50 partial) attempts to crossdress...I DON'T WANT THIS!
Yeah, I think a gender therapist may be really critical soon...

Hi Particle!

I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time! I think you're right, that you could definitely benefit from consulting a gender therapist. While I know it may not seem like much of a consolation, you definitely have support here on Susans! Good luck with your journey, I'm glad you have a loving wife to see you through it.

::HUGS::

I'm gonna say here that I'm a little calmer this morning.

I do think I need to relax a bit.  I'm not all that hyper-masculine in outlook.

I can take this slow.  I don't need all the answers.

I've decided to tentatively flip the switch,

I'm a woman.

I'm stuck in a male role, but I want to feel unified,

That actually feels good to say.

I guess that will feel good to say.  You don't actually need to do anything just yet, take a little time to get used to the idea.

All right to sum up.

I need to relax.
I need to prepare to deal with my gender issues but can take it slow.
I need to get a therapist with gender issue experience.

I need to trust that my wife loves me and let her know what's going on soon.

Thanks for letting be be weird and crazy for a day.

Quote from: particle on November 25, 2013, 06:31:17 PM
Thanks for letting be be weird and crazy for a day.

"We all go a little mad sometimes..." 

Sometimes just talking through your feelings can make all the difference.
I hope that's been your experience.

I'm still really far from okay with the idea.  It feels like defeat a little bit.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 24, 2013, 05:53:47 PM
Ahhhh My two oldest and dearest TG friends; Guilt and Shame.

Guilt and Shame sure do make the rounds, don't they? 
I've dealt with them for many years.  They suck. 

Quote from: particle on November 24, 2013, 08:14:39 PM
Then there is a voice, a clarion call in my head.  It says that out of fear I've hit snooze on my gender issues too long. It says that something terrible is going to happen if I don't get rid of my fear. I'm terrified that I am a woman, and that I will need full transition and SRS and all that. 

I get it but I think mine is more like a pc "blue screen of death" on the pc monitor inside my head.  The blue screen says: "You've pretended like this doesn't exist way too damn long. The game is over. Time to do something about it". 
So, it's come to either doing something about it or cashing out. I'm not going to cash out just yet.  I've made contact with a gender therapist and will be calling tomorrow to see what I need to do.  I have absolutely no idea where this will end up.  The thought of full transition and SRS also scares me to death.  I'm too old for this scenario.  But it's gotten to the point where I have to do something.
 

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 25, 2013, 09:51:14 PM
I'm too old for this scenario.  But it's gotten to the point where I have to do something.

No you are not too old!  I'm one of the older ones and I still have plenty of life in me.  It's incongruous starting puberty at my age but it's had a real rejuvenating effect on me.

OK... Particle, are you sure you're not me???

Seriously, nearly EVERYTHING you typed sounded like me.  You just saved me a lot of typing 

I'm like you, I just have to figure out what comes next.

Sharon Lynn you wouldn't happen to post on nerdfitness.com would you?  I ran into someone with an Identical story (of fitness) and it would be hilarious if you were the same person.

No LOL, sorry, that wasn't me.  I never post anything on the internet.

Well, I can't say that anymore, I guess... 

Thank god.  That would have been too weird.

So, basically, I've come out to myself as being a woman born in a man's body.
Since doing so and realizing I'm a woman playing a male role, I've felt a ton of anxiety drop from me.

Other than losing weight, I'm not planning any major life changes.

Quote from: MaryXYX on November 26, 2013, 06:32:48 AM
No you are not too old!  I'm one of the older ones and I still have plenty of life in me.  It's incongruous starting puberty at my age but it's had a real rejuvenating effect on me.

Mary, I see a lot of folks saying that, but I feel real old when I look at these before/after pics of others.   

Quote from: particle on November 26, 2013, 10:18:30 PM
So, basically, I've come out to myself as being a woman born in a man's body.
Since doing so and realizing I'm a woman playing a male role, I've felt a ton of anxiety drop from me.
Other than losing weight, I'm not planning any major life changes.

Particle - Get an appt. with a GT and more anxiety will drop off.  It did for me. I have my first one next Tues.  I also need to lose weight.  I have a feeling I will see huge weight loss in the near future.

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 27, 2013, 10:23:43 AMParticle - Get an appt. with a GT and more anxiety will drop off.  It did for me.

Soon.  Right now I'm trying to build up the strength to take control of my anxiety/depression therapist session.

I need to chill out...  I'm feeling a way too strong acceleration of wanting to go scorched earth, full transition as soon as possible.

Must chill out.

Quote from: particle on November 27, 2013, 01:39:00 PM
I need to chill out...  I'm feeling a way too strong acceleration of wanting to go scorched earth, full transition as soon as possible.

Must chill out.

Yes, chill...

Always keep in mind transition is not a magic pill. Many to most of your life's problems will still be there afterwards. Just even more to make things interesting. You still need to feed yourself, housing, a wife to love and care for, always plenty of other bills to pay, the list goes on. A regular therapist may help with many of your stressors. Help add perspective, a somewhat referee or sanity checker.

If you have energy that needs burning in the trans department start looking around for local support groups. Though I have always been one way or another active as a TG, I never went to any sort of support group untill a few years ago. It literally turned my life around. I was not prepared for the shock of being in a room full other people sharing lives and feelings that were nearly identical to my own.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 27, 2013, 07:47:43 PMAlways keep in mind transition is not a magic pill.

No, that's HRT!  I get boobies and the world smells of flowers and unicorns an chirping birds....

Sorry... I'm better now.

Here is the simple truth.

I have been transformed mentally by this week.

I had locked myself in a complete state of learned helplessness and despair an all joy, humor, sex, strength had left me. 

I gave up.  It was like handing the reins to someone else.
After a few disorienting days I'm finally on firm ground again.

I definitely have a female gender identity.  Acknowledging this and looking at my moods and behaviors in this light caused a massive break in the negative depression spiral.  I am feeling AWESOME.  I'm also not feeling very dysphoric.  Just acknowledging that it's a woman in charge makes living my life easier.  Like a million times more comfortable in my current role and gender expression even if it isn't a perfect match.

So, I'll pull myself out of this hole I've dug for my life, and worry about any TG endgame anything further down the road.  I'll get some support, so I don't lose sight of the real me.  Ironically, I'm a better man with a woman behind the wheel than I was without her. 

Quote from: particle on November 24, 2013, 08:13:51 AM
Hmm.

Is it weird that I seem to be able to feel more easily empowered if I think of myself as a strong woman rather than a man?

If you can't change your physical form at the moment, you can always change your perspective. I know it's not an easy thing (believe me, I've been on the other side where it seemed impossible to change my outlook or perspective on things, yet somehow I overcame it and did it).

I think one of the main problems is when you hit a crescendo like you are where everything seems to have been leading to this point and it is ALL about gender. When you reach the point where you seem to be at it's like a tidal wave coming over you. But even a tidal wave does not last. If you can get past the wave crashing and let the water subside a little bit, you can come up for air.

Once you can take a few steps back see if it's possible to even think the thought that your whole life isn't about your gender, that's a start. When I was in that spot I started writing things down every day. It could be the tiniest thing that made me happy, like a good sunset, or petting my cat. Basically things that had nothing to do with my gender. Pretty soon I realized that I was letting my gender rule my life in a way. It was always that thing that was in the way of my happiness. Yes, I was always reminded of it because of the body I wake up with every morning, but I realized that I could make my life better and change the way I was thinking.

I know it's a struggle, and I am one of those people who never transitioned, but I found my own way to deal and be happy in spite of it all. Hopefully, you can find your way through your current situation and get on a path that will lead you to happiness, whether it's small steps towards transition, a change of perspective, or what.