Quote from: Talitha Cumi on October 28, 2013, 07:00:01 PM
I remember being so very, very sad when first I understood that I was not a girl and could not change into being a girl. I was so sad, I was utterly heartbroken. I was aware, even at that very young age, of mourning for the loss of myself. It was as though my inner self-understanding of who I was had died because I did not have a tangible reality of self as being a girl. I wasn't a girl and could never become a girl. I didn't cry: I was numbed, I was beyond tears.
Hi again, Talitha. I'm offering a second welcome because somehow I found myself re-reading your introduction without realizing I had said 'Hello' already! Imagine my surprise when I came across a post from 'another' Tanya W! I was shocked! Then a bit embarrassed...
Anyway, I want to say 'Thank you' for the passage you shared above. One of the many things I find wonderful (and, honestly, painful) about this place is when other members give voice to my experience - often before I am actually aware it has been my experience.
Such is the case with your sadness and heartbreak. Especially these words: "It was as though my inner self-understanding of who I was had died because I did not have a tangible reality of self as being a girl." This is
so how I felt when I first realized I was not a girl. A certain measure of self-understanding was lost in that moment and, I am beginning to understand, never really replaced with anything else. I wasn't a girl. I wasn't a boy. I had never heard of trans... I feel I have lived a lifetime adrift because of this loss.
Another wonderful thing about this place: So many here have gone through / are going through something similar. And while our responses to this situation may vary wildly, they are nonetheless responses. It is so great to hear from folks as they try things out, take both big steps and small, win insights and discoveries. I feel like so many of the posts here reach back to my lost self from long ago and say, 'Hey, look at what's possible.' These words are so good to hear.
So thanks for the intro and welcome aboard - again!
