Honestly, been thinking for awhile regardless of my little steps I've done. I am just tired of being scared...yet not matter what I try, what I do I can't get past it.

I can't seem to tell anyone I know in real-life about my issues. I try and end up curling up in a ball. I've find myself completely envious of everyone on here who are able to come out, to move forward even when they say they are scared.

I've tried techniques things such as visualizing what scares me ect ect.

I've always been this way, scared to do everything and just so tired...but not matter how many times I try to knock the wall down I can't make it through, so I feel I am going to never move forward past what ever I am doing currently. Which is not much playing video games, browsing Susan's place sighing as I look through threads.

How did some of you guys stop being scared and tell someone, do something. I am all ears for advice on breaking down the fear barrier.

Well for me it was realizing that I wasn't going to live forever and this was my one chance at living. The funny thing about fear is it's seems worse than it really and once you get past a fear you start to wonder what you were afraid of to begin with. The only advice I can give you just face your fear head on and see how little your fear really is. Be bigger than your fears and nothing will stop you.

As usual sister Heather is right on the money girl! Live for now for you, not for others and their opinions. 

I was scared too but I knew I had to come out to keep moving forward with my transition.  Without even thinking about it, I started being more and more obvious and giving hints like going around wearing women's earrings or perfume.  That way, sooner or later someone would confront me about it and I would be forced to come out (It's part of my personality that I won't lie about important personal things). 

Looking back, I guess it was a wimpy way that I went about it but as I said, I was scared too!  Anyway, it worked finally.  My wife insisted on me telling her why I was doing these things and I just poured my soul out to her. That is an incredible feeling! However you get there, you will feel immense relief when you do tell someone close to you face to face. 

Oh lordy, I was so scared. I was terrified, I had nightmares. I also did not comprehend how other woman did it. How could they take control of their lives and face the truth? It seemed to be impossible, I was different, I had so much to lose, I had too many people that would be hurt, I would lose my job, which meant I couldn't pay my wife's nursing home fees. I just couldn't do it.

I could come home from work, change into 'Cindy' and meet my friends here in fearful anonymity. I would cry myself to sleep.

Then one day I had had enough. I told my work colleagues. They all hugged me, well at least the women did, the men were incredulous.

Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite. I suddenly had friends. I could stop drinking, within months I was off depression medication. I didn't pass, I looked like a guy in a dress. I got weird looks, I even got some weird comments.

Then one day I realised that Peter had died and Cindy lived. I was a happy woman living her life. I took the covers off the mirrors in my home. I threw his clothes out.

I was me, a woman who was proud of herself and ready to face her life. But I was still afraid, I was forcing myself still.

Then one of my students came to me, a student and a friend, she is a forthright girl. She sat next to me and told me that she was disappointed in me. She told me that I had taught her and my other staff to be honest with themselves and to always strive to be the best they could be. She told me I had lied to her and to the others, I had refused to follow my own teachings.

That was the moment that I accepted me completely, yes I had lied, yes I had failed, yes I was a hypocrite.

I had to be me to help others who were in fear. If I couldn't do that my life was a waste and I was a failure.

You are not a failure, you are frightened. Being true to you is all that matters.

Cindy

That's a really beautiful story Marissa I don't think it's wimpy at all the way you went about it. Everyone is going to have to find their own way to do what they need to do, and as long as you're doing something (anything) that brings you closer to that goal - whatever it may be - is a step in the right direction.

I like the subtle hints method. It gives people a chance to see what is coming in a very soft way. Even better, it can be a lot of fun to start incorporating the little things!

Aina-
Take it slow, one step at a time. Divert your focus away from fear and seek the little bits of happiness at all costs- they do add up to something great.

For me I don't have anybody to come out to accept the public. Its quite scary though. I'm doing the baby step approach. Being in the public eye in make up. I have gone out totally dressed in the past ,just not around people I know and would have to answer questions to about why I'm doing this. It gets easier all the time dealing with strangers .Sooner or later I'll have to confront the people who know me. If I start going to my therapy dressed I'll be confronting that issue head on. Although come to think of , years ago I use to walk around and shop dressed up and I did see people I knew ,But never stopped to talk. Its scary tough.

Quote from: Cindy on November 28, 2013, 01:12:46 AM
...Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite...

Cindy puts it beautifully.

Too often fears only have strength because we we feed them "what if" scenarios and they gobble them up, and spit them out at us saying "hahah! It will be worse than you can possibly imagine!" In large part that is what led to my first transition going down the gurgler. Since then I had to do a fair bit of work to build my confidence and realised a lot of my fearfulness was something I learned from my mother, also a worrier and a "What if" fear feeder.

I'd suggest you deal with what you know you can cope with. Break it down. If tiny steps are too big, go baby steps. Whenever I've confronted a fear the reality of the outcome has always proven to be manageable but I still had to be prepared for the worst. Start with your smallest fears, even if the worst thing imaginable happened would you still be able to cope and move on? If so, confront the fear! Very likely you'll find that fear was unfounded. Then move on from there, when you're ready confront the next fear and the next. Soon you'll find they have very little power over you. Good luck!

I understand fear very well; I lived with fear all my life.

Fear of coming out or progressing your identity is real, it exists, it stops you from being you.

When fear of being you is less than the desire to disclose then you will find out that there is another side of fear, freedom.

Freedom is sweet and fear is bitter. We need a balance of both.

There is a term I have herd before. Your bell will go off. Till the bell rings you just dont have it in you to do what you want. On the other hand when that bell goes off.......well the life you live now will become history.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
        Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Thanks everyone,

Maybe one day. There might be more to this then fear alone preventing me to move forward. I suppose I am in no hurry things needs to be done first before I can really move forward anyway. Namely get done with college and find a full time job with benefits would be nice hehe..

Careful though! This was my process:

I will tell my parents after my exams (aged 16)! They can't get mad at me if I do well!

I will tell my parents after I finish school (aged 18)! You know so I can get a job and stuff if I need to or whatever.

I will tell my parents after university (ages 22)! Since they are paying for it and all, give me the best chances in life...

---

I ended up telling my mum when I was aged 23 but only because she could tell something was up and wouldn't leave me alone. I was afraid to say because I was afraid of the unknown, I did not know what would happen if I told my family, how they would accept me or not, what I would do.

Ended up a really big anti climax and not the disaster I envisioned at all. The fear was the real fear. Nothing to be scared of but fear itself it turned out.

Make some queer friends.

Quote from: Isabelle on November 29, 2013, 12:02:40 AM
Make some queer friends.

I do have a few transgender friends I know online, one I talk to pretty regularly on voice chats. She knows how I feel and she shares her story, yet it is not the same unless you actually know the person in real-life.

I don't know anyone in real life that is queer,transgender ect at least not openly. Plus I don't find myself openly looking for people like that. Since I've kept this such a close secret and been so careful, I find it hard to seek out like minded people in RL again afraid someone would find out... 

You don't have any queer representation at your school?

Quote from: Isabelle on November 29, 2013, 12:40:42 AM
You don't have any queer representation at your school?

I do....and this will sound like an excuse but...I am only on campus for a few hours twice a week since I am nearly done and almost graduated. About three classes left to go super excited to finally be done.

The meetings they have are on days I am not on campus, plus I not sure I'd have the courage to walk in even if I was on campus then.

This:

Quote from: Heather on November 28, 2013, 12:10:47 AM
Well for me it was realizing that I wasn't going to live forever and this was my one chance at living. The funny thing about fear is it's seems worse than it really and once you get past a fear you start to wonder what you were afraid of to begin with. The only advice I can give you just face your fear head on and see how little your fear really is. Be bigger than your fears and nothing will stop you.

Followed by this, from Cindy:

"Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite. I suddenly had friends. I could stop drinking, within months I was off depression medication."

As they say: You have never been older than you are today; you will never be as young as you are today.

It dosnt sound like an excuse, it is an excuse, and a piss poor one at that. Those groups are set up to help people like you. Grow a spine and go to a meeting. They don't need to know why you're there. Just go, meet people, make friends and stop being so queerphobic.

It doesn't sound queerphobic to me at all, it is just hard to break free from the shell. That first step is the biggest and hardest one of all. It's especially difficult to come out to that first person whether it be a friend, doctor, or even therapist. Yikes, I remember it like it was yesterday! I thought my brain was going to explode.