Hi sisters. I'm new, I'm from Italy, I'm alone with my troubles here. I decided to subscribe
to Susan's place because there're actually no proper and competent places here where to
find help, discuss, and where people is available to share their problems and experiences.
Here they seem mostly concerned with activism and politics and such stuff, which I don't
care definitely. Everybody is reluctant to speak of personal issues and problems, keeping
most things for themselves, even if behind anonimity. Well I can even understand that, I'm
completely stealth, as you say, and nobody must know of my past ! But what to do when you're
completely desperate ? You can't even trust doctors - here but perhaps that's true
worldwide, they seem only interested in making money over and over at suffering people's
expense. And I'm just that, a girl who had a bad life and who always suffered because of a
faulty body, which needed surgical and medical attention, not so different from a girl
born with androgen insensitivity syndrome or vaginal aplasia, just... a bit more unlucky.
I hope you will forgive my poor English since as I told I'm Italian speaking, also I feel
a little uncomfortable being perhaps the only (or one of the few) oversea people here,
but I hope you can help me the same ! I also hope this my first (and long!) message can act
as a valid presentation too.
Well. Or not so... I started HRT at about 16 and I had my SRS in 2002 in Trieste, Italy,
with the surgeon Trombetta which, even to date, is deemed officially and theorically the
number one HERE - but you'll learn more later on. I was 29 then, and I'm 40 now.
He used the standard peno-scrotal inversion technique. Well I must specify that at those
times I was not so prepared and skilled with this regard as I am today after years of
readings and research over the Internet.
I had no means initially to judge the work he did on me. I could just appreciate the
fact that I came out functional enough and without major complications, I mean, I am well
orgasmic, sensate and I reported no troubles with my urinary or bowel functions. I simply
had no reference terms to compare the work made on me with works made on other girls, and
for me the very fact of coming out still alive and well thru such a physical stress was a temporary
relief (it took me six hours of surgery + hemorragy + transfusion and about six monts to
heal completely). To the point that I somehow had put everything apart as just a past
experience for about 10 years. The point is, I underwent SRS without expecting any miracles,
and without any additional references. Thus, initially, I assumed what they did with me was
even over my expectations. Well, now I can tell it went very bad, instead.
"You'll never be like a real girl, don't delude yourself" - my mom was saying to me.
And I tended to accept that until recently.
Even aesthetically I wasn't quite able to judge my result, since I'm definitely not a
lesbian and I had never seen that many GG's vulvae.
The only evident faults, which I realized almost immediately when I started healing, were a
partial prolapse of the vaginal lining, ugly to see but which however did not impede
dilation and penetration, and also a very disappointing shallowness of about 2-2 1/2 inches
(yeah you read correctly: I'm just TWO, max TWO and HALF inches deep).
But, I repeat once more, I believed they did with me all the best available. My surgeon
always assured me I'm good looking and ok, when he checks me, I came out so fine, and I
simply believed him blindly.
Well, ever since those dilation post-op times I was sadly realizing that, even if I
actually felt pleasurable sensations playing with my vulva/clitoral area, and I managed to
reach my first orgasm as short as 15 days post op, vaginal penetration was not a pleasure
at all - as I greatly hoped instead. Just think that they gave me a 12 cm stent (about 5
in.) which fitted just half ways in, to keep inside 24/7 the first month, then all night
long for 3 months, and that was a pain in the V, literally.
No way to increase depth with dilating: keep in mind that it's an urban legend and such will
remain. My middle plus ring fingers didn't fit completely then as they don't now, its depth
simply never changed.
But what is worst, the feelings from penetration are ugly, no matter how much lubricant I
use: I can still feel that nasty scrotal skin inside being touched, and then, when the
bottom is reached, stretched painfully, when I try to push all the ways in, as if it would
be next to tear. No matter how much I can be aroused, those feelings are discomforting
enough to turn any arousment off. I managed to get a vaginal orgasm just once, with a rubber
dildo, but it was tiring and required a lot of concentration.
I will never be able to have sex with a boy this way, I thought, and once more I tried to
accept that.
In spite of that, I wanted to give it a try, and it was the first and last time.
It happened one year after my SRS, with a boy who I really didn't feel so attracted to, but
I liked him enough and he liked me also.
Luckily enough, he didn't clock my genitals, as you say, he was just pointing out (but
lovely) about me being a bit strange, a bit dry and a bit tighty down there, but the
intercourse was painful and disappointing - as I anticipated after all.
So I put sex aside and set my earth off since. Even because my heart is so difficult...
unfortunately I tend to fall in love with younger boys than me only, but that is still
another matter... I'm not ugly, I'm naturally female and fine, but still not a miss, so I
have zero chances with the toy-boys I love so much (well perhaps the same would apply if
I were a GG). Just add my short and anorgasmic vagina to that, to the disaster...
No, that's not all yet, unfortunately. Because with the time passing by, I realized more
and more all the mess they made to me. Well, since beginning I noticed how my small labia
and uretral meatus tend to swell abnormally when I'm aroused, to the point of appearing
as a piece of cut penis still in place, literally, or better, as an umbrella filled with
erectile tissue, being ugly to see and also causing me troubles to pee when aroused and for
sometime after that. And again, I was thinking it was normal and they couldn't do anything
better.
And only recently, I found the spirit to go search with google for pictures of SRS results.
Well, sadly, I almost had a stroke. I can tell that the worst results I could find (if we
exclude some serious complications, of course) look still better and more realistic than my
genitals.
WELL I CAN NOW ADMIT THEY REALLY MADE A DISASTER WITH ME, and that EVERYTHING I ACCEPTED I
COULD INSTEAD PRETEND TO HAVE DONE BETTER SINCE BEGINNING. BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM: I FEAR
IT'S NOW TOO LATE FOR A REMEDY. Such a work must be done well in the first place, I fear any
fix I can undergo will now result in further damages.
So, here's finally a list of what I got from prof. Trombetta, minuses and pluses:
-Shallow and dry vagina of about 2 1/2 inches, painful and inadequate for normal
intercourses
-Partial vaginal prolapse (since beginning)
-Erectile tissue left in place inside the little labia and around the urethra
-Ugly overall aspect, with total absence of major labia, and minor labia which are
asymmetrical, bumpy, and too short which neither cover nor reach the vaginal opening
+Nice clitoris with hood
+Pleasureable sensations and orgasmicity (excluding the vagina, of course)
+Lack of serious functional complications
I don't think I still need to issue my desperate question, if you could follow my story
so far... it would sound something like what to do now, and expecially WHERE.
I can just guess my work should be remade from scratch, and that is perhaps no longer
possible. Also, I don't feel I have the strength again (both physically and phsychically)
to undergo a complete revision, maybe involving colonvaginoplasty, removal of residual
corpora cavernosa and labiaplasty, and all that without any warranty that I won't
come out even worst, and maybe even full of pain and other issues.
Also, I'll perhaps never know whether I was just a rare, unlucky case, or I actually
ended up having surgery with somebody who thinks he's a genius while he's instead a
butcher, perhaps the less butcher one in a country where the SRS quality standards are,
as somebody recently starts suggesting, ways under the world's standards... well I
don't know that now and I knew even less yesterday. The only thing I knew yesterday is that
I would haven't accepted to have such a serious surgical experience oversea, including all
the related issues: flyghts, language, additional costs, fear of being far from home. But
perhaps, if I only had figured out that... who knows.
But now I MUST decide: either to go on with fighting, venturing my health and my future life
(I already almost lost my past one), OR just to accept all that definitely, keeping my head
under the sand again for the rest of my life, as I did in the last 10 years...
Thanks for listening to my bad story...
