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I wake up with a lot of doubts

Started by evecrook, November 29, 2013, 12:00:05 PM

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Allie

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on December 01, 2013, 06:12:44 AM
Some of you guys sound like your doubts are tied to HRT.   I havent started HRT yet, could that be something to do with the estrogen?  I'm always willing to examine a good reason for why i shouldnt do something.  The truth is though,  If i cant transition, i really dont want to keep going with life.  There's just no point in it to me.    If i found out i could never HRT, im pretty sure id just stop eating and die, or do something worst :(.  Biggest thing that keeps me going, and so self sure.  There's just no way i could live the rest of my life with this feeling.

Sophia for me I don't think it is necessarily the "E" itself that causes doubts. It really has put me mentally and emotionally in a great place. It is how I wish I felt my whole life. If I had only known, I would have started earlier in my life, my dysphoria doesn't exist. I am not angry, I don't grind my teeth at night and best of all I can feel and express my emotions.

My doubt comes from dealing with the outside view of my transition. The HRT is causing physical changes where others are noticing changes in my features. This brings the need to come out at home, with friends, at work. MY doubts are from fear, that is all. As I continue to tell friends and family the fear subsides and it is getting easier.
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Miyah48

I get lots of doubts at night for some reason. Then i go to school and go in the boy locker room and know that im not supposed to be here.  Or i take a shower and know that what is there is not the right thing. My doubts get mowed down by the fifty caliber machine gun that is "my boy mode"
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication
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Natalia

Quote from: Henrietta48 on December 01, 2013, 12:27:15 PM
I get lots of doubts at night for some reason. Then i go to school and go in the boy locker room and know that im not supposed to be here.  Or i take a shower and know that what is there is not the right thing. My doubts get mowed down by the fifty caliber machine gun that is "my boy mode"

I never felt confortable using the boy locker room...and I never really knew why...until now.

I was a good swimmer and I was used to swimming 3 times a week. For ten years I always waited for my mom to bring me home so I could take a shower at my own bathroom. It was not very confortable to stay with a wet speedo under your clothes for one hour while you wait for your mom and while you find yourself stuck in the traffic on the way home, but only the though of being naked in front of the other boys and taking a shower was enough to freak me out...I didn't want they to see my parts, nor my butt and I felt like if I was not supposed to be there.
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Dana88

I have to say I am finding this thread quite heartening and quite helpful. So often when looking at transition you hear things like "permanent!" "You have to be completely sure!" "There's no going back!" Which then makes you feel that unless you are 100% positive transition is the right choice then you shouldn't do it. This always put me off from pursuing it because I was not sure and still am not sure. What I am sure of is that I'm not a man and that pretending to be one is not working... Which is a pretty good sign that transition may be good for me. But it's helpful to hear about how everyone has their doubts. When I try to dissect mine I think they, like many on hear have stated, have much more to do with external than internal factors. Things like "will I pass?" "How will others react?" "Is this worth it?" etc. But then when I think of my own internal identity there is very little doubt at all that it's female.
~Dana
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evecrook

I had a big problem with the boys locker room too
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♥︎ SarahD ♥︎

Aww evecrook hunni *hugs* <333

As Grace said it'd be more worrying if you *DIDN'T* have doubts about such a major change to your life.  It just shows that you're exploring what this all means to you, that's all.

Maybe a little thought-experiment will help ya hun :)

Imagine - if you will - a world where we could all push a big magic "RESET" button on our lives.  If you push this button, you get to start your whole life again.  That's everything, right from the beginning.  You keep the knowledge you've accumulated already, and you get to *CHOOSE* how you want to be.  Your name, sex, gender, sexuality, the colour of your hair, the shape of your eyes and face - everything about you.  Once you've made your choices, you press a big "ACCEPT" button and you restart life with those choices in-place.  It's a brand new start, no one knows you or who you will end up becoming, not even your own parents / siblings / friends etc

What would you pick?

Would you keep your female gender and switch your sex for female to match it?  Or would you rather change your female mind to a male one?

You can probably see where I'm going with this:  for me personally, I'd switch sex to female without question or hesitation, which to me says that I really am a female mind screaming to escape from this male body and - given that there is no magic "reset" button here in the real world - I should probably do something to address this conflict between mind and body, even if it isn't perfect and only 'relieves the discord' somewhat.

So what decisions would you make hunni?  You don't have to tell us, obviously (you have nothing to prove <333), but you should answer that question to yourself when you have these doubts.  If (once you take all the social pressures, preconceptions and prejudices from the outside world away like in the thought experiment above) you would pick female, then that's a pretty good indication in my opinion that the doubts are linked to fear of what the world will think of you and how others will treat you.

If that's the case then it's not a case of "is this right for me?" (because obviously it is), but rather "is this right for the rest of the world?".

Hope that helps you out a bit hun :)  all my love and hugs to you and anyone else who's struggling because you are all beautiful no matter who you are :D <333

Quote from: Natalia on December 01, 2013, 12:55:21 PM
I never felt confortable using the boy locker room...and I never really knew why...until now.

I was a good swimmer and I was used to swimming 3 times a week. For ten years I always waited for my mom to bring me home so I could take a shower at my own bathroom. It was not very confortable to stay with a wet speedo under your clothes for one hour while you wait for your mom and while you find yourself stuck in the traffic on the way home, but only the though of being naked in front of the other boys and taking a shower was enough to freak me out...I didn't want they to see my parts, nor my butt and I felt like if I was not supposed to be there.

OMG! *slaps forehead* I've always felt *EXACTLY* like that too!  Never even connected it until I read that!  Even as recently as a year ago I'd be at the gym and there'd be guys walking about with their wangs flapping about in the locker room (showers were connected directly).  I always rolled my eyes and said to myself "*ugh*, do they *REALLY* have to do that??  I'll wait till I get home to have a bath thanks.."  and generally didn't feel like I even "belonged" there...  now that you've said it, I'm sitting here like "oh.. oh! duuuuur!" :laugh:
*Hugs*
"You never find the path to your true self, but rather - you find your true self along the path"
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