You know what would be nice? If people didn't suck. If the people who claim to be my friends actually wanted to talk to me and showed it by saying "hi" sometimes without me saying "hi" first. I'm sick of running after people who insist that I need to trust them, but never do anything that would indicate they even want to talk to me never mind be trusted.

Quote from: AlexanderC on December 01, 2013, 10:16:44 AM
Susans stopped working for me for about an hour.

Me too just as I was about to send an answer to a pm which went off to cyberspace la-la land...Aaarrrrgh!

I'm in the middle of T-tension & general dysphoria right now... trying to just act as normally as possible...

Had a totally creepy dream. Don't want it happening, not at all.

I mentioned this to Caleb earlier, but...

I feel like HRT hasnt done a lot for me. Im still strong as an ox, and pretty muscular.

I miss my father, but he's an idiot. There are some things i shouldn't have said, but he is an idiot. The worst kind. I no longer have a father if you ask me, biologically he is my father, but for me he's somebody i used to or thought i knew.

I know I've whined a lot today, but seriously, this has really annoyed me right now.  I let a girl in my room borrow £10 off me at the end of last month so she could afford a meal and a drink with us as she was already at the pub, I also lent £20 to someone else for the same reason.  They paid me back like I knew they would.  I assumed that she would pay me back as well as she gets really snide at people who don't pay her back.  She said she'd pay me back when her sister gave her £400 or so in cash, so I left it until she had chance to go to her sisters at the weekend.  She told me that her sister hadn't given her the money. On Friday I reminded her that she still owed me, and she turned around and said that she had paid me, and that she had got the money off her sister.  I've asked the people who were around at the time that she reckons she paid me, and been through everything that I brought with cash, and it adds up to exactly £20, which was all I knew I started with because someone else gave me my winnings from a bet we had.

Long story short, either she never paid me, or she did, I've spent it on something I have no recollection of, and everyone else got amnesia that evening, but I can't prove it.

I don't want to be stingy and stop lending people money when they need it, and I should be able to trust the people that I'm living with, but I feel like I might have to.  It's only £10, but we're all living on apprenticeship wages which are below the national minimum wage, and it's the principle of it more than anything.

i miss my dad so much. i never realized how much it affects my overall thinking. I didn't change character-wise, i am just terribly hurt by it all. It made me bitter and mad at the world. But i cannot make it right. I can no longer look him in the eyes.

My sister hasn't emailed me back, and it's been over a week. I'm wondering if I should just go straight to mom and tell her.

Quote from: Willow on December 01, 2013, 02:45:08 PM
My sister hasn't emailed me back, and it's been over a week. I'm wondering if I should just go straight to mom and tell her.

Go for it Willow! You can tell her over break if you'd prefer to talk in person.
Either way, good luck hon! 

Quote from: Shaina on December 01, 2013, 03:24:57 PMGo for it Willow! You can tell her over break if you'd prefer to talk in person.
Either way, good luck hon! 

I'm just afraid of what her reaction will be. I get along better with my dad, but my scenarios put mom at a higher rate of acceptance than dad.
In person is a no. I don't want to be told to get out of the house and have nowhere to go. Plus I don't want to offend by getting incorrectly gendered clothes (as I always do at Christmas) and not wearing them. I guess I feel too guilty.
I'll give it a try Tuesday, when I have some more time.

Quote from: Felix on December 01, 2013, 02:31:38 AM
I think I'm chill to be alone and let go of trans people and be sure I never see another suicide, but I can't guarantee that. I keep trying to forget past normal stuff, teenage deaths, dumb young recklessness, anything that riles up mawkishness and pointless emotion, but I'm clearly not the captain of my own ship.

But who really is?

Quote from: Willow on December 01, 2013, 03:28:10 PM
I'm just afraid of what her reaction will be. I get along better with my dad, but my scenarios put mom at a higher rate of acceptance than dad.
In person is a no. I don't want to be told to get out of the house and have nowhere to go. Plus I don't want to offend by getting incorrectly gendered clothes (as I always do at Christmas) and not wearing them. I guess I feel too guilty.
I'll give it a try Tuesday, when I have some more time.

Don't let the devil take you down with guilt and fear. Here's a strategy that works well, come out to your mom. She will be upset but she will get over it because you will always be her baby that she carried inside her and close to her heart for nine months and it is only natural that you will always be close to her heart regardless of anything. Let her leak it to your dad first, he will have a curmudgeonly moment, but your mom will soften him up considerably before you and he have that little chat. Your mom holds all the power if I know anything about family dynamics. Hang in there Willow, you will be fine dear.

Quote from: Willow on December 01, 2013, 03:28:10 PM
I'm just afraid of what her reaction will be. I get along better with my dad, but my scenarios put mom at a higher rate of acceptance than dad.
In person is a no. I don't want to be told to get out of the house and have nowhere to go. Plus I don't want to offend by getting incorrectly gendered clothes (as I always do at Christmas) and not wearing them. I guess I feel too guilty.
I'll give it a try Tuesday, when I have some more time.

This is just based off of my own personal experience. The fears you have are most likely just that, fears that you have of the unknown. I had to tell myself this, not to let the sadness and depression of not telling them that you are transgender. You WILL tell them when YOU are ready and that has proven to be 100% true for myself and many of my therapists patients. Out of the nearly 150+ transgender people she has seen over the past 8 years only 1 was actually rejected by their parents and family. I came out to my parents nearly 2 months ago and just now came out to my sister and brother in law. Things turned out well in the end but it was still the hardest thing I've ever done just because of the fears I had built up over the years and had to overcome. Sure things were tough at first but in the end I'm still their child, I'm still their sibling, I'm still their family and I'm still the same person as I always was. The only thing that has changed is that I look different now.

Quote from: Shantel on December 01, 2013, 04:01:16 PMDon't let the devil take you down with guilt and fear. Here's a strategy that works well, come out to your mom. She will be upset but she will get over it because you will always be her baby that she carried inside her and close to her heart for nine months and it is only natural that you will always be close to her heart regardless of anything. Let her leak it to your dad first, he will have a curmudgeonly moment, but your mom will soften him up considerably before you and he have that little chat. Your mom holds all the power if I know anything about family dynamics. Hang in there Willow, you will be fine dear.

I was really hoping to test the waters with my sister first; she was absent from all 50 scenarios I came up with regarding my parents. I'll give it a go on Tuesday though. If she reacts violently, I'll just not go home for Christmas. If she's just sad, she probably just needs to hug me and feel me there. I'll see if I can't bring some of my feminine clothes home to get them accustomed to Willow rather than him.

About family dynamics, at least between interactions with the children, mom definitely holds the power, because since 9 years ago when my dad deployed, he has been virtually absent from my life, besides the inflow of cash. He's only been home less than 25% of the time since then. That's why I'm afraid of his reaction; I think he'll feel that he never "properly trained me as a man" or something like that. He could lose his job from the reacting reaction, being a borderline alcoholic, like the rest of his family. I don't want to ruin his, and indirectly, my life. If he's dishonourably discharged, that means no post-retirement benefits, meaning no more health insurance for me, no income, and he'll have a hell of a time finding a job.
I may be thinking too much into it, but I'm looking out for myself and my family.

Quote from: Megumi on December 01, 2013, 04:06:04 PMThis is just based off of my own personal experience. The fears you have are most likely just that, fears that you have of the unknown. I had to tell myself this, not to let the sadness and depression of not telling them that you are transgender. You WILL tell them when YOU are ready and that has proven to be 100% true for myself and many of my therapists patients. Out of the nearly 150+ transgender people she has seen over the past 8 years only 1 was actually rejected by their parents and family. I came out to my parents nearly 2 months ago and just now came out to my sister and brother in law. Things turned out well in the end but it was still the hardest thing I've ever done just because of the fears I had built up over the years and had to overcome. Sure things were tough at first but in the end I'm still their child, I'm still their sibling, I'm still their family and I'm still the same person as I always was. The only thing that has changed is that I look different now.

Coming from a religious and military background (both which consider me a moral degenerate and a pervert) I don't know if it will be quite the same. But I do agree, I have a fear of the unknown. I like to know what I'm getting myself into first. In this case, I don't know what to do.

Quote from: Willow on December 01, 2013, 04:15:27 PM
I may be thinking too much into it, but I'm looking out for myself and my family.Coming from a religious and military background (both which consider me a moral degenerate and a pervert) I don't know if it will be quite the same. But I do agree, I have a fear of the unknown. I like to know what I'm getting myself into first. In this case, I don't know what to do.

I can understand why you'd be concerned. This is why I'm a little afraid of when I come out at work. I've decided I can't let it affect me, but it's different when it's family. Good luck, Willow! ♥

Quote from: Willow on December 01, 2013, 04:15:27 PM
Coming from a religious and military background (both which consider me a moral degenerate and a pervert) I don't know if it will be quite the same. But I do agree, I have a fear of the unknown. I like to know what I'm getting myself into first. In this case, I don't know what to do.

My dad is retired Air Force with 20 years of service and both my mom and brother in law are VERY religious. That was one of my mom's qualms was that I'm transgender therefore that means I am a sexual deviant, which was of course 100% not true at all. It all came down to is that they really want/need me in their lives as I do help them all out a lot in many different ways. It varies from person to person but if they really do care about you then they will learn to accept the new reality. If they don't then all you can do is move on because how can you really live if you don't live true to yourself. I had a backup scenario planed out if things went sour with my family and luckily that didn't happen but I was prepared to move on forward if they liked it or not.

What I found to help me think things over was walking. I can walk for miles and miles when I have the tough things on my mind and that helps me decide what I need to do but most of all you will find that you will do things when you need to do them at a pace that you are comfortable with.

What is it with this general dysphoria? OMG...
Today has been the worst for it.

There's one thing I learned, though. I knew that dysphoria and depression weren't the same, but I usually had it worst when I was sad. I've been just so happy all day... and practically debilitated with the dysphoria / T-tension. I powered through the day, but I feel more than weak - physically and mentally.

We went out shopping (gifts for children of families in need... and groceries). It was off and on in the car (singing helps sometimes). It was just terrible in the warehouse store. I felt like my arms were leaden and I mostly just pushed the cart and followed along. And I was still happy throughout! I saw a cute, older lesbian couple (they just had to be... ). I got a lot of looks... the "you're hard to gender" kind. I like that. I wasn't too affected by the clothes or anything like that (ok... there are some slipper socks that would be nice - that I felt I had to pass by... but that was it).

It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Rationally, yes -- it's the hormones... but it doesn't make sense how I can feel happy and so terribly dysphoric at the same time.

Quote from: kabit on December 01, 2013, 05:25:49 PM
What is it with this general dysphoria? OMG...
Today has been the worst for it.

There's one thing I learned, though. I knew that dysphoria and depression weren't the same, but I usually had it worst when I was sad. I've been just so happy all day... and practically debilitated with the dysphoria / T-tension. I powered through the day, but I feel more than weak - physically and mentally.

We went out shopping (gifts for children of families in need... and groceries). It was off and on in the car (singing helps sometimes). It was just terrible in the warehouse store. I felt like my arms were leaden and I mostly just pushed the cart and followed along. And I was still happy throughout! I saw a cute, older lesbian couple (they just had to be... ). I got a lot of looks... the "you're hard to gender" kind. I like that. I wasn't too affected by the clothes or anything like that (ok... there are some slipper socks that would be nice - that I felt I had to pass by... but that was it).

It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Rationally, yes -- it's the hormones... but it doesn't make sense how I can feel happy and so terribly dysphoric at the same time.

Big hugs to you.  It gets better.  It is always darkest just before the dawn.

Someone made fun of my name... which is the same as my username.

Now I'm upset everytime someone says it. Well, poo on them!