Some of you may know my post history, but the gist of it is:

-Have had obsessive crossdreaming since I was 5 (i.e. daydreaming and fantasizing about being a girl). Started crossdressing at earliest memories. It's been pretty debilitating and obsessive. It interferes with my day to day life.

-Sought therapy at 18 and I have been in therapy nearly every week for the past 4 years with around 8 different therapists, ranging from gender specialist to college counselor. It really doesn't help and I get more out of talking to others online in trans communities.

-I thought that since I have daydreamed for hours every day about being a woman, than surely the answer would be to just become a woman. I know I fit somewhere on the trans spectrum. Seemed logical enough.

-Started HRT at 20. Made it 3 weeks, and quit. Something just didn't feel right.

-Crossdreaming nearly drove me insane, so I restarted HRT at 21. Made it almost 3 more weeks, and then quit. Something didn't feel right again.

-Once again, I found crossdreaming really interfering with the quality of my life. So now at 22, I started HRT yet again. Third time's the charm, right? I thought this time, I would give it an honest to goodness attempt. So I've now been on HRT for about 6 weeks. But I feel nothing but uncertainty and doubt. Once again, I feel like quitting.

I hate quitting things and feeling like a quitter, but I always run into the wall of it just not feeling right. I'm not sure how I can articulate that. I guess I don't feel "trans enough" to actually medically or socially transition. I can't define what feeling trans even means, but I don't really feel it whatever it is. Something holds me back. I guess I still identify somewhat as a man or I enjoy being a man socially and in my day to day life. I think. I'm not really sure.

I guess I wanted to stop obsessing over crossdreaming and crossdressing and thought HRT or at least partially transitioning would be the answer. If the desire to crossdream and crossdress won't go away (and it won't), then I at least wanted to stop being bothered by it.

But I don't want to go through this cycle every year (i.e. having these feelings build up until they are unbearable and I feel compelled to start HRT again.)

So I really feel lost. I don't feel trans enough to be transition and I don't feel cis enough to be cis. I just feel so stuck in between and like I don't fit in, even within a niche community such as being transgender.

Have you told your HRT doctor about this? Could be a dosage problem or other abnormality further lab testing could solve. What does your therapist say? Did you quit HRT without notifying your doctor? I need a little more info as this is not enough to sift through yet. Sometimes our bodies react unexpectedly to new hormones introduced into our bodies. Start with you Endo doctor is all I can say right now. Go from there. Could be a really simple answer. Good luck.

Quote from: Ultimus on December 02, 2013, 12:04:08 AM
Something holds me back. I guess I still identify somewhat as a man or I enjoy being a man socially and in my day to day life. I think. I'm not really sure.

Do you really enjoy it or is it just easier for you right now than having to be a woman socially and in your day to day life (coming out of the closet) ?

Quote from: Ultimus on December 02, 2013, 12:04:08 AM
I guess I wanted to stop obsessing over crossdreaming and crossdressing and thought HRT or at least partially transitioning would be the answer. If the desire to crossdream and crossdress won't go away (and it won't), then I at least wanted to stop being bothered by it.

The reason its bothering you is because you want to make it a reality and you haven't done that yet!!  I wish I could give you a hug right now!:)  I too was once at the point where you are now. I could have kept beating myself up over it, feeling ashamed about it, and wishing it would go away. Instead I decided that I would just accept it.



As for your HRT, I somehow sense that it really isn't the HRT that causes you to say "something wasn't right." Perhaps you've been faced with the reality of what transitioning actually requires of you, and that is making you scared. Either way, 3 weeks isn't long enough! Give it 3 months and then ask yourself if you feel better.

Well, being over 6 months into this, I cant really say that I do not experience doubts about all of this. But... I would be much more worried if that was not the case, as it is quite a major decision and turning point in the life. Pretty much nothing will be the same, including myself. And that is indeed scary and frightening prospect...
Yet, I am taking that with small steps, day by day, and I still intend to abuse "him" as long as I can, esoecially when I need some things to be sorted out, but I dont feel like "him" inside anymore.

It's simple. Is it a paraphilia? Or is it who you are? Do you like to wear "women's clothing" because it provides you with sexual release? Or are you simply a girl?
There is nothing wrong with either, just be honest with yourself. If it's just a kink then id say transition isn't right for you. However, I'd your identity is at total odds with your biology then perhaps transition is right. Honestly, to me it sounds like you need more therapy, not hrt.

Quote from: Isabelle on December 02, 2013, 05:47:56 AM
It's simple. Is it a paraphilia? Or is it who you are? Do you like to wear "women's clothing" because it provides you with sexual release? Or are you simply a girl?

I always thought that paraphilias started at around puberty. Ultimus says they started crossdreaming from 5 years, which makes me wonder it's in fact more than just a sexual release. It's possible, I suppose, that there could be a combination of motives, which are getting conflated.

HRT will attack the libido. If the crossdreaming is libido driven then the urge will lessen. But there may be other unknown reasons for the HRT to lessen the tendencies. Deep seated transphobia and shame will make it tough to gain acceptance of oneself, let alone others.

Getting stuck in some never ending cycle of purging cannot be easy. I can feel the pain.

Maybe try out HRT on a very very low dose, or just a t blocker, and work your way up from there.

Quote from: Nicolette on December 02, 2013, 06:06:05 AM
I always thought that paraphilias started at around puberty.

Honestly, I remember reading somewhere that we clearly underestimate the children sexuality - a lot of things take root in those early years and nobody exactly knows why and how they are going to evolve.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 02, 2013, 01:19:47 AM
Have you told your HRT doctor about this? Could be a dosage problem or other abnormality further lab testing could solve. What does your therapist say? Did you quit HRT without notifying your doctor? I need a little more info as this is not enough to sift through yet. Sometimes our bodies react unexpectedly to new hormones introduced into our bodies. Start with you Endo doctor is all I can say right now. Go from there. Could be a really simple answer. Good luck.

Well, the feeling of not being right that I described isn't physical. I don't feel physically ill, that's not what I mean. It's more of a psychological thing. But the Endo didn't want to do lab work anyways. I don't think he knows what he is doing. It would be ideal to find a new Endo, but this is all I've got and he's free through the hospital his office is in because I'm on patient assistance.

Quote from: brianna1016 on December 02, 2013, 02:13:18 AM
Do you really enjoy it or is it just easier for you right now than having to be a woman socially and in your day to day life (coming out of the closet) ?

I don't think that it's coming out of the closet would be too hard. It's more of a psychological sense of, "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Quote
The reason its bothering you is because you want to make it a reality and you haven't done that yet!!  I wish I could give you a hug right now!:)  I too was once at the point where you are now. I could have kept beating myself up over it, feeling ashamed about it, and wishing it would go away. Instead I decided that I would just accept it.

Well, that was my logic too. I thought that having crossdreaming/crossdressing bother me was because I deep down wanted to actualize it. It seemed reasonable enough.

I have accepted that crossdreaming and crossdressing will never go away and it's pointless to wish it would go away. So I have accepted that it's a part of me. What I haven't gotten past is why it bothers me so badly. It's not shame - I talk openly about this with whoever will listen. If I truly and trans, then that's OK. But I'm not sure I am.

Quote
As for your HRT, I somehow sense that it really isn't the HRT that causes you to say "something wasn't right." Perhaps you've been faced with the reality of what transitioning actually requires of you, and that is making you scared. Either way, 3 weeks isn't long enough! Give it 3 months and then ask yourself if you feel better.

Well the issue with waiting 3 months is that I could reach the end of the 3 months, realize that I'd rather stay a man and that I shouldn't transition, but then I'd have gynecomastia, which just make my life more complicated.

Quote from: Isabelle on December 02, 2013, 05:47:56 AM
It's simple. Is it a paraphilia? Or is it who you are? Do you like to wear "women's clothing" because it provides you with sexual release? Or are you simply a girl?
There is nothing wrong with either, just be honest with yourself. If it's just a kink then id say transition isn't right for you. However, I'd your identity is at total odds with your biology then perhaps transition is right. Honestly, to me it sounds like you need more therapy, not hrt.

I feel like for me, it's a paraphilia. I don't think it's an identity issue.

As far as more therapy, well I don't know what to do. I've tried 8 therapist of varying specialties and I've logged probably a couple hundred hours by now. The gender specialist (who is pretty renown) was of no help, and I saw him 10 times.

Quote from: Joules on December 02, 2013, 07:59:05 AM
Has anyone suggested that your condition may be Intrusive Thoughts?  One of the distinctions between them and the usual thoughts of a trans person is that they are uncomfortable or disturbing.  IMHO, they are sort of like punishing your self.  For all the mental health pros you have seen, has no one mentioned them yet?  Trans folks are (mostly) happy and comfortable with the thought of changing their bodies.  (Some transgender individuals make the choice to not transition medically, and that's just fine.  There are all shapes, sizes and flavors of transgender, don't feel like a misfit here, it's impossible!)

I don't want to discourage you from the path you are on, but it is possible that HRT and transitioning isn't the right thing for you from the angle you approaching.  That's not to say it never will be, but it sounds like there might be some co-morbidity happening, i.e., other issues that are conflicting with your trans expression.

Of the mental health folks you have dealt with, have any of them been gender specialists?  It is a very different mindset, one that many "regular" therapists are really clueless about.  If you want to seek a true gender therapist, ask for a referral from your nearest LGBT center.

We've never talked about intrusive thoughts. Again, I saw a gender therapist 10 times, and a pretty well known one at that. He couldn't help me. He told me to just enjoy the fantasies. But I don't enjoy them. Sure, they bring me sexual pleasure and gratification. But I don't enjoy having them. I realize that it's normal to have fantasies, but mine just bothers me. No one has ever been able to help me to stop being bothered by them.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on December 02, 2013, 07:29:45 AM
Honestly, I remember reading somewhere that we clearly underestimate the children sexuality - a lot of things take root in those early years and nobody exactly knows why and how they are going to evolve.

Yep, children sexuality is VERY important for the development of personality. Also, though unknown to many, it is, for example, kind of common for 3 year olds to "masturbate" and this is just getting more and more stressed because of the media. So, back to the original topic, it could still easily be of sexual origin, not of transgender.

i agree with shelly, i kind of believe you're probably not transgender and your just a crossdress, if you don't want to fully live your life as a female in every aspect(everything other than sexually),

when your fantasizing about being a woman, its just like when someone is fantasizing about sleeping with someone of the opposite sex, its a role play fantasy not a lifestyle like being transgender, being transgender is when you feel icky everyone tells you look like a handsome man, and you just secretly hate yourself for being that way, or you just don't want to partake in certain "boy" typical hobbies,

if this is not the case then it will probably a medication issue, when i was on cyproterone my trans feelings when away, or they just got overshadowed by depression, when i started hrt the second time on spironolactone i felt much better and i feel amazing since then, 8 months later

hope that helped

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on December 02, 2013, 07:29:45 AM
Honestly, I remember reading somewhere that we clearly underestimate the children sexuality - a lot of things take root in those early years and nobody exactly knows why and how they are going to evolve.

Definitely. I had quasi-sexual thoughts related to submission and bondage when I was 5. And now here I am at 27 looking for a D/s relationship. And at 6 and 7 I was looking at porn and medical books. I hate when people think that kids are stupid and ignorant to these things just because they might not be able to articulate it. >_<

Ultimus, do you feel like being a guy is a crutch or do you really feel comfortable being a guy? I would set aside the crossdressing thoughts and focus on that. I know for me, if I have even the faintest glimmer of doubt, I think about living the rest of my life as a guy and I know I couldn't. No matter how my transition goes, I know it'll be better than pretending to be a man.

It can also be helpful to watch yourself and your feelings during intercourse or watching pornography. For me a major clue was when I realized that I always imagined myself to be the women in the porns I watched. Also - although this is more sexual than gender orientated - I realized I was a lesbian when it has been pointed out to me that why don't I use my penis more, as most of the time I prefer... alternate methods leaving my penis be, and also realized that I really don't like penises at all.

Quote from: Shelly Lullaby on December 02, 2013, 10:55:08 AM
Yep, children sexuality is VERY important for the development of personality. Also, though unknown to many, it is, for example, kind of common for 3 year olds to "masturbate" and this is just getting more and more stressed because of the media. So, back to the original topic, it could still easily be of sexual origin, not of transgender.

Well, even as a kid I imagine the feelings had sexual components. I mean, I didn't masturbate to them as a child, but I felt an aroused sensation and even remember experiencing erections at a young age.

Quote from: kiaraja on December 02, 2013, 11:24:54 AM
when your fantasizing about being a woman, its just like when someone is fantasizing about sleeping with someone of the opposite sex, its a role play fantasy not a lifestyle like being transgender, being transgender is when you feel icky everyone tells you look like a handsome man, and you just secretly hate yourself for being that way, or you just don't want to partake in certain "boy" typical hobbies,

I'm not sure if this is entirely true because there are plenty of transwomen who hate stereotypical female activities and hobbies and only pursue male oriented ones. Also, not all transwomen experience gender dysphoria, it's not a necessary condition to being trans.

Quote from: Ashey on December 02, 2013, 12:07:34 PM
Definitely. I had quasi-sexual thoughts related to submission and bondage when I was 5. And now here I am at 27 looking for a D/s relationship. And at 6 and 7 I was looking at porn and medical books. I hate when people think that kids are stupid and ignorant to these things just because they might not be able to articulate it. >_<

Ultimus, do you feel like being a guy is a crutch or do you really feel comfortable being a guy? I would set aside the crossdressing thoughts and focus on that. I know for me, if I have even the faintest glimmer of doubt, I think about living the rest of my life as a guy and I know I couldn't. No matter how my transition goes, I know it'll be better than pretending to be a man.

I'm comfortable being a guy and I could live a comfortable life as a man, at least externally. The question is rather would I have an improved life if I transitioned or partially transitioned. I just hate the prospect of living with these crossgender feelings for life, even though I know that they are for life.

QuoteIt can also be helpful to watch yourself and your feelings during intercourse or watching pornography. For me a major clue was when I realized that I always imagined myself to be the women in the porns I watched. Also - although this is more sexual than gender orientated - I realized I was a lesbian when it has been pointed out to me that why don't I use my penis more, as most of the time I prefer... alternate methods leaving my penis be.

Sorry, I don't know if I made this clear, but I can only sexually fantasize (or look at pornography) when I am imagining myself as the female. It just doesn't work when I try to imagine myself as a man having sex with a woman.

Even though I am romantically and aesthetically attracted to women, in my sexual fantasies it is always me as a woman having sex with a faceless abstract man.

The binary nature of our gender system doesn't make it easy if we don't feel we fit exactly squarely into either box. Sometimes we feel forced to shoehorn ourselves into male or female. Male and female are not mutual exclusives and in reality are a spectrum. If you were absolutely free to be, do or dress as you want, what would you do?

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on December 02, 2013, 07:29:45 AM
Honestly, I remember reading somewhere that we clearly underestimate the children sexuality - a lot of things take root in those early years and nobody exactly knows why and how they are going to evolve.

Yes, I started experimenting from when I was 4. But I wasn't quite sure about paraphilias.

Quote from: Ultimus on December 02, 2013, 12:34:46 PM
I'm comfortable being a guy and I could live a comfortable life as a man, at least externally. The question is rather would I have an improved life if I transitioned or partially transitioned. I just hate the prospect of living with these crossgender feelings for life, even though I know that they are for life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to tell you what to do, but in my opinion if you feel this way, then maybe transition isn't for you as it is highly possible that in some time you would regret it. Someone said it before, I'll say it again: your best solution would be more therapy with a good professional instead of HRT for now. Again, this is all my subjective opinion.

Ultimus, I think you're on the right path. Just be brutally honest with yourself as you explore these things. I was convinced that I could be happy with my male body, but towards my late 20s it became increasingly obvious that I was living a lie. My life became unmanageable and the dysphoria became overwhelming.

I hope you find some kind of solution and balance with your life. Good luck!!

I've been cross dressing since I was 4 I find it such a beautiful experience having the estrogen in my body. It could be just my mind imagining the effect because I've wanted this for so long with quite intensity. There's no question for me personally , HRT is far better than just dressing because it so very much deeper. I'll never turn back, but of course we are all very different I know for so long in grade school , high school and beyond it was such a burden to hide or find time or just the fact that I couldn't stop. I eventually Knew that even doing every day things totally dressed inside the house or outside wasn't truly going to totally help me. In the back of my mind I knew the only solution was hormones . for me personally it has been my solution. I hope you find what's best for you because I know the pain.

Ultimus, the kicker is that you're not comfortable with your fantasies, you wish you didn't have them, they're not you.  They are "ego-dystonic thoughts," in psychological jargon.

It's entirely possible your gender identity might not be typically male.  But I think the distress you're feeling is keeping you from identifying yourself to your satisfaction.

So, let's talk about intrusive thoughts.  They're part of anxiety disorders, especially OCD.  Medication has some effect, but the current best treatment is behavioral therapy.

The outline typically goes something like this
- identifying what triggers these fantasies
- deciding what you want your reaction to be 
- practicing it so that
- it becomes a habit and
- you feel confident that your intrusive thoughts don't define or control you

As that confidence builds, I think you'll be ready to decide how little or how much to transition.


From what I've read it's all too common for this sexual-identity subtype of OCD to be misdiagnosed.  Please look into it and bring it up with a therapist, okay?