This might sound a little strange, and i dont know if anyones been through this or not.   I'm still very early in my transition, but at this point, im dressing and presenting full time as female(even though i dont pass that well).    Anyways, being on the other side of the fence so to speak with a bit of fresh perspective, this has really given me plenty to think about, and with 15 hours a day with nothing to do double so.     
         SO, i really think, i owe an EX-GF of mine an apology.  We both had some issues, this is true, however, In retrospect from my current perspective(yeah lol) and experience, i really feel that i treated her pretty crappy.  When i was trying to be a man, id have chalked this up to us both having issues, but as my true self, i think i might have been incredibly hurt by my own behavior.  I dont want to get into specifics, but ill say nothing i did involved violence or any kind illegal behavior.   Since ive stopped suppressing my emotions, and im a fairly emotional man, some of these kind of issues have come up.  I also want to say, i loved, and to some extent still do this girl more than any other, even one i almost married.  I dont want to get back together with her though, and honestly i dont even want to be in contact with her.   I just want her to know that im sorry i hope one day she forgives me.

           I also want to share something very, very close to my heart with you guys at susans in all this.  And i hope people dont think im being over emotional, or that this somehow seems strange or something, but i want to explain why this matters so much to me.   I've not always been a good person.  In fact, for a period of my life, i was an incredibly bad person.  I treated people bad, and quite frankly i did bad things to people(and myself) so i could survive and eat.  Those people, however, are unknown to me, and there really isnt any way for me to atone personally to them.  However, since then,   (nearly 10 years ago now) I resolved to treat people as best as i could, and to make amends when i didnt.   It's been really important to me to treat the people around me as good as i possibly can.   This particular thing, i just can't keep on my mind anymore.

           I really hope i dont come off as a weirdo or stalker/psychopath or something in this topic.  I'm very very bad at writing, and i wonder sometimes if people even understand what im trying to say, since i have a very hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words.   Anyways, in a few minutes im going to send her as sincere and thougtful an apology as i can via facebook.  Its, the only avenue i have to send her a message, and its probably best, since id like to keep a distance between us.

Honey,
We all make mistakes.

I have hurt many many people and I carry those scars and always will.

I decided to try and atone for my past by loving and caring for others. I can never undo my past, as you cannot.

But we can learn from it and change.

I do not believe in Gods or stuff so atonement for my past is no confession or remorse that my soul is saved. It is purely because I have hurt others and I was wrong.

We live our lives and hope that we may influence others to see a reflection that may help them.

Do not carry guilt for pain you cannot undo. Just decide to never hurt anyone else and to act as a responsible person in the future.

You are doing that and I admire you and am proud of you for that.

Your posts are fine Hon.

You know I understand.

Hugs
Cindy

Thank you Cindy.  This one is especially painful because I cared about them a great deal, despite a situation that was bad on all sides.   She's gone from life forever, but i really hope the message i sent, brings some closure for her since things ended on very bad terms.

It's a wonderful constructive insight Sophia, so many people go through life without realising it. If you are still in amicable communication with your ex I hope you let her know how you feel.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 03, 2013, 01:55:40 AM
It's a wonderful constructive insight Sophia, so many people go through life without realising it. If you are still in amicable communication with your ex I hope you let her know how you feel.

I wrote her a letter that basically ended with.  I dont expect a response back, and i wont contact you again unless you specifically request it.

I really dont know how shes going to feel about getting a message from me to be honest.  She might be upset.  I wanted to put her at ease though, if she even bothers reading the entire thing.  If i didnt send the message though, i would never be able to let it go.

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on December 03, 2013, 02:00:15 AM
I wrote her a letter that basically ended with.  I dont expect a response back, and i wont contact you again unless you specifically request it.

I really dont know how shes going to feel about getting a message from me to be honest.  She might be upset.  I wanted to put her at ease though, if she even bothers reading the entire thing.  If i didnt send the message though, i would never be able to let it go.

That my sister is how we grow.

Good on you Sophia, that's all you can do. 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I could run away. It's very hard on the person who means the most to me. I'm glad to hear you sent your letter. I hope things go ok and it's nice to read your post.

I did stuff like this,many times I just walked out of a relationship without a word or pushed them away.I must have hurt and disappointed girlfriends who I couldn't bring myself to tell about the real me.If I had the courage and honesty to reveal myself to my partner and myself I might not be alone today.

girl like they all said.. totally ok. we all mess up from time to time. at least you have been able to learn from it.and are we talking about the kind of illegal behavior one might see in Jamaica or Amsterdam?

Dear Sophia...

The most destructive emotion we can have in our life, I think, is guilt.  It can hold us back from taking opportunities to improve our lives, making us feel like we don't deserve it.  It can tear us up inside and cause us to hurt ourselves far more than we ever hurt those we have wronged in the past.

Unfortunately, I am particularly good at self-loathing, and it took me a couple years of therapy to get to the point where I could recognize guilt for what it is and begin to let go.  And here you are, atoning for your previous behavior in an excellent and very positive way.  Perhaps she may never forgive you... but it sounds like you're on the path to forgiving yourself.  That takes wisdom and courage and strength.

*hug*

Well done. 

I got the most surprising response from her this morning.  Blew my mind, and gave me enough strength this morning to continue with my search for a doctor.


"Hi Sophia. I don't know why u think u treated me bad in xxxxx. But you were one of the only people that cared and treated me right. I drank to much and shouldn't have. I'm ok now. Just living at the beach is not in my best interest. When did u make this change? What all have u done? Just curious. Hope u r happy and doing well."

*hug*  I'm so glad she replied!  It can be amazing, the things that are huge in our minds and the most painful can be inconsequential to someone else. 

I'm glad it was the case for you and her! 

Quote from: Robin Mack on December 03, 2013, 02:13:49 PM
*hug*  I'm so glad she replied!  It can be amazing, the things that are huge in our minds and the most painful can be inconsequential to someone else. 

I'm glad it was the case for you and her! 

Heh, sadly, she might have been blackout for half of it.  I can never tell usually. Still im feeling a quite a bit better.  I also had two cry sessions last night so that too was helpful.