I'm not scared as in "hey... maybe I should stop this." I know what I'm feeling... I know it's dysphoria... and I know HRT is the first step toward fixing that problem.... so, beleive it or not, I'm not scared in the least over that!!!!! (Excited yes, trepid no).
But socially... yesterday really threw me. It was a wonderful day. I felt completely affirmed and I loved it.
I have a friend at work that I talk to often. She and I were talking about what it means to get older. She's about 10 years younger than me and has really started to mellow out. She and her fiancee stopped doing much more than a movie and dinner out once in a while about a year ago... now they're married and just mostly want to stay at home. I didn't mention how I'm trying to do more out (maybe I should have) but I did say that the last movie I even saw in theaters was "Brave" with the kids!
At the end of that conversation, someone asked us WTH we were talking about... and she said "oh, we're just saying how we're old maids now." It's affirming... and she's clearly noticing my changes, at least subconsciously. I suppose my changes have been pretty drastic... and that's maybe part of the problem.
Then, at therapy yesterday, I wore my Tom's flats (gray, chosen for ambiguousness), jeans (women's, but who knows anyway), and a new women's sweater from Old Navy (somewhere between red and strawberry colored). I also had on a bracelet (Alex & Ani
) and my hair is getting decently long and looks pretty ambiguous. I also had a new purse (rather than my enormous man purse).
My therapist commented how I'd be gendered female by everyone if I were just walking down the street like that. Of course... he's talking about quick glances, not stopping and showing them my hairy face (yeah... even right after shaving).
Still... those things are making me feel a little scared... it's happening quickly... I'm not even on E and won't be on E for at least 2 months... and even then I'll probably be on low doses for a while. Also, my laser is progressing quite rapidly... but clearly not rapidly enough for this!
HOW do you manage the parts of transition that move at different speeds? I have no desire to present more male than I do... and lots of desire to present less male than I do now!!
We also talked about after. He said I needed to stand up for myself when we get to mediation... though that (and everything, it seems) is deferred until after Christmas and into 2014. Well... that cued the anxiety and maybe a bit of dysphoria this morning. It is not helping the "scared" feeling I'm having.
