I have been thinking about a lot of things since I started my path on transition.  Even though estrogen made me feel whole, I've been asking if this is the right thing for me to do.  Slowly but surely my body began to change, and is still changing, both on the inside and the outside.

This week one of the women I work with confided in me she was having her period and had really bad cramps.  She told me "Be glad you're not female."  I choked back tears as I smiled, and said nothing in response. 

Tonight when I got off work, I came home and took a shower.  When I got out I tried on a few different things from my growing wardrobe, to see what I can mix and match for the most amount of different outfits since I'm going full-time in a few weeks.

I have a full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door.  When I pulled my hair back to look at my face more closely for a split second, I saw the real me in those eyes (probably only the second or third time this has happened).  Deeper within, I saw my former self and the amount of pain he caused me - how he originally protected me when I was too young to do anything about being TG, but over the years he became a monster and almost prevented me from transitioning for good. 

I'm glad he finally stepped aside for me, but looking in that mirror tonight, I could see the tears welting in my eyes.  This has been such a hard journey, and I still have a long ways to go.  I'm just so happy and consider myself extremely fortunate that I have made it this far, when so many others like me are not as happy, and are not as fortunate. 

My thoughts aren't as clear right now as they were five minutes ago, because this post was going to be longer, but...feel free to offer your own reflections.

~Fae

A good description of what we go through Fae....

It takes a long time before we can look at ourselves in a mirror and see the person we truly are. We look for faults, imperfections, maleness rather that the feminine features that are emerging.... we are our own worst critics, by far.

But we also need to remember that looks are not everything, it is the person inside who defines who we are, our personality, our feelings and our soul... reflections we cannot see.

Buffy

Quote from: Buffy on July 27, 2007, 12:21:09 AM
A good description of what we go through Fae....

It takes a long time before we can look at ourselves in a mirror and see the person we truly are. We look for faults, imperfections, maleness rather that the feminine features that are emerging.... we are our own worst critics, by far.

But we also need to remember that looks are not everything, it is the person inside who defines who we are, our personality, our feelings and our soul... reflections we cannot see.

Buffy

I'm slowly beginning to see the person inside being reflected on the outside Buffy 

~Fae

I think that we will always have briefe flashbacks of who we once were. Our minds are programed that way.
I'm a M2F that has been fighting Karla from coming to surface, because I didn't want to accept that Karla was really me. Now, I've accepted it, and I've started my journey. It feels right. But I believe that I'll always have reflections of who I was because of the years of hard battles fought between Karla and I to have control.
It's almost like a veteran that has been in a tough war. When the war is finally over for them, they will always have flashbacks of what they've been through for the rest of their lives.
It only makes sense! These are life altering events that we all go through.     

Quote from: Karla B on July 27, 2007, 01:30:14 AM
It's almost like a veteran that has been in a tough war...

That's exactly how it's been for me.  Before I accepted myself I tried to be the "tough little soldier" and fight those urges to be and live as a woman...

It literally was a war with myself.

My little soldier act didn't last though...landed me right in the hospital's mental health ward for attempted suicide *shudders* 

But things are better now.

~Fae

Quote from: Fae on July 27, 2007, 08:17:17 PM

Quote from: Karla B on July 27, 2007, 01:30:14 AM
It's almost like a veteran that has been in a tough war...

That's exactly how it's been for me.  Before I accepted myself I tried to be the "tough little soldier" and fight those urges to be and live as a woman...

It literally was a war with myself.

My little soldier act didn't last though...landed me right in the hospital's mental health ward for attempted suicide *shudders* 

But things are better now.

~Fae

I'm glad that things are going better for you now!

I know when you're born male and raised in an enviroment, where it was strictly men were men and girls were girls and there was nothing else, made it really hard to accept ones Inner desire to be female. You constantly have these thoughts; I was born and raised a guy, why do I have these powerfull urges to be a girl? This can't be happening to me! why am I different? why do I admire women so much? Is it because I want to date them or be like them? why Do I stop at a storefront and admire a pretty dress or top that I see? This is not acceptable to me!  And you can go on and on.
It can really wear you out!
I can understand why some one might want to put an end to it all.
The thoughts of ending it all, have crossed my mind but fortunately I never acted on them. 

Quote from: Karla B on July 28, 2007, 02:19:26 AM
why do I admire women so much? Is it because I want to date them or be like them? why Do I stop at a storefront and admire a pretty dress or top that I see?

I admire women for both those reasons, because I want to be like them (as a woman myself), but also because I want to date them too (I'm mostly lesbian).

I don't think twice about admiring pretty clothes in the store.  I know people are staring but I just ignore then now - I don't care what they think, it's about me and my happiness. 

To think I used to shake and tremble at the thought of entering the women's section!! *laughs*

~Fae

I feel a little more comfortable with it too. The more I do it , the better I feel. I used to be in such a hurry, I'd whip over to the womens section Eg: pick out  a couple of pairs of pantyhose and a couple of pairs of undies, hastily drop them in my basket,rush to the checkout,so I could out of there, only to find the cashier takes her sweet old time checking me out and there's ten other people waiting in line behind me. 
Well! I'm pretty well over that kind of anxiety now, I just go and get what I want and checkout. Still a bit nervous but alot better 

You're amazing for comming this far. I get nervouse just glancing at Victoria's Secret. I also admire women for both reasons. I'm glad things are going so well now, and I'm sure there going to get better.