Hi

This is my first post on the forum having only just recently discovered this community source of information. So, apologies for such a long message,  possibly not posting on correct forum, and if I use the wrong terminology!

A bit of background - I am pre-T, nearly 42 years old (regret not transitioning in my teens & have since been occupied with frequent ongoing medical treatment following a major car crash that very nearly killed me). This past year has been one of the worst since recovering from post-accident PTSD, as I've had 7 major orthopaedic surgeries one after the other with yet another one scheduled just before Christmas. Plus my 20+ year relationship very nearly ended.

My body dysphoria is getting worse to the point of feeling like it's currently consuming me. I have always identified as male in my own mind & often get called Sir. Thankfully I'm tall - 5'10 with very broad shoulders, muscular arms and big feet. The problem is my chest is huge - a double E cup and my hips are not dead straight. I've tried very recently binding my chest with an Underworks tri top binder. I know my stomach isn't small but restricting it in any kind of full-on compression material has caused me bad stomach pain and cramps in the past, hence my reason for not going for a full-length top binder. As well as being difficult to get on and off because I can't use the pull-up method; when on, my chest still looked huge and my stomach stuck out. I know I have to lose a minimum of 30lbs to achieve a better look.

I haven't succeeded in keeping my weight down particularly this past 18 months whilst I've been confined to using crutches all the time with my leg in a cast. Not being able to work out much has been very frustrating. I've worked my arms and shoulders lifting kettlebells but haven't been able to do cardio to help burn the excess fat I've gained. I just have to lose weight! As much as I'd like to cut my breasts off myself, I am a way off receiving top surgery due to slowness of the UK medical system for one thing. Plus I have no paid sick leave allowance left from work for at least a year as I've used it all for my ankle/leg surgeries.

I should mention that I have been living with my female partner for 21 years. Our relationship has been particularly strained this year though to the point of us almost splitting up back in the summer. My partner was shocked to discover that I'd been talking to a trans queer dude friend about my dysphoria (we are no longer in touch). I hadn't ever dare mention up till this year how depressed I've become by not fitting in to society and how I despise my female body parts. My partner has always considered me a butch lesbian but I wish it were that simple. Being female feels so wong and unnatural to me. She can't get to grips with that so she wants me to talk to a professional but I'm really worried that I'll lose her if I am able to transition. I love her to bits and don't want us to split up. I don't think my parents will understand either. I've kind of mentioned my gender dysphoria to my manager at work and she was supportive (she remains curious).

I have only just started seeing a psychologist regularly. She is a specialist in chronic pain hence my doctor's referral but I was honest with her during my first session and told her about my gender dysphoria. She was the first medical professional I've confided in. She is presently arranging for me to see a colleague of hers who is more specialist in trans issues as I desperately need to talk things through. I can't carry on the way things are. I can continue to see her too as she is helping me with chronic pain and learning to live with ongoing health problems.

In an ideal world, I would start T immediately to begin the transition process as I feel completely at odds with my body and feel like an outcast. Beyond anatomy, I don't relate to being female. I have naturally dressed in men's clothes ever since my teens but have only in the past couple of months plucked up the courage to wear men's boxers every day. I have packed too when at home on my own. My partner isn't comfortable with my need to wear men's underwear and I certainly haven't packed or bound yet in her company. I don't think she'll understand my compulsion to do so as much as I'd love her to.

I feel more and more trapped in my body so am desperate to change. I've stopped leg shaving recently because I can't conform any more and be somebody I'm not. The big problem with not leg shaving is that when going for medical treatment, I get weird looks and just last week, my newly assigned physio looked horrified and completely changed mood when she saw my hairy legs, and cut my session short by 25 minutes. Ugh, I felt awful about her reaction and it compounded my unhappiness. What makes me feel happier and more comfortable with myself seems to increase other people's discomfort. I no longer want to feel pressured into presenting as female to conform with society's expectations as it adds to my own dysphoria. However, I have to attend weekly physio and hydrotherapy sessions to rehab from my surgeries but I'm dreading seeing this physio again tomorrow, this time in the pool.

I just can't wear a woman's swimming costume any more because it makes me cringe to wear one. In the past I've worn men's swim shorts over a costume but I stand out for being different. Instead, I've bought a men's triathlon top to wear tomorrow but I know I'm going to get weird looks again as 'women don't wear such things!' At least I'll hopefully feel less exposed as my chest won't be on show as much. My partner hasn't seen my new top yet either, so that will cause another argument I'm sure. I hate wearing figure hugging clothing as all I can see are my hips and enormous chest, which look so wrong on the rest of my body. I will have to wear a sports bra under the top contain my chest. Eventually when I've lost weight, I hope I'll be able to use a binder underneath instead.

I really don't know what to do beyond considering cancelling my hydrotherapy sessions, which I know will be detrimental to my physical health. I'm also dreading exposing my unshaven legs to my surgical team in 10 days' time on the day of my next surgery. I'm currently very reliant on my medical team's support so don't particularly want to prompt transphobia but I'm suffocating from not being able to be express my true self.

Long term I will require more orthopaedic surgeries as it's looking highly likely that I'll have to lose my lower leg altogether sometime in the near future, so what happens then, including when I need to stay in hospital? I already get snubbed by other patients on the ward as needless to say the hospital automatically put me on the female ward. I'm not your average feminine woman so nobody quite knows how to converse with me. If only I were otherwise fit and healthy to not need to stay in hospital fairly regularly...

How have others been treated by the medical profession in general for non-transition related treatments or surgeries? I don't want to leave the area and start again where nobody knows me as I have such an expert orthopaedic team taking care of me. When do I out myself to them?

What do pre-T trans guys wear in the pool and have you experienced prejudice for being true to yourself and presenting as male?

I feel like I'm dying inside and having to expose my at-odds body to medical professionals for rehab and surgeries is adding to my dysphoria. I just want to curl up and hide and not leave the house.

My only way I can mentally survive until I get to talk to a trans specialist psychologist (not sure how long the waiting list is in the UK), is to focus on losing weight to try and neutralise my female body parts as much as I possibly can.

Sorry for writing such a long jumbled message. I'm so unhappy. Thank you for reading my story and for whatever advice you can offer me.

Regards

Hello I am about to write out a full length reply to your post, but it will take me awhile....for the meantime, whilst I am typing away I just wanted to say "Hi" and that I understand on so many levels ! Be back soon xx

That's a lot to carry, bro.  I don't think I can hit every point at once, so here's the easiest one first.  At least the easiest for me to give advice on: how to work with your physio.  The most important is of course taking care of your lady, but I'll leave that to others.

I hear shame in your writing.  On some level, you believe it's not okay to let your leg hair grow.  You heard that somewhere along the way and you've been trained; that's why when you saw your therapist's reaction you were able to guess why.

You might have guessed wrong.  Or maybe your physio owes you an apology.  Or maybe she's a jerk and you need to work with someone else.  Only way you can figure this out is bite the bullet to ask her directly what she was feeling.  Professionally speaking, it's her job to make you feel comfortable enough to trust her - if that trust doesn't exist, you're not going to get the quality of therapy you deserve and need.  So, maybe she'll apologize, maybe she'll BS and blow you off, but her response will make it clear what you should do.

Now, that shame you feel; it's the result of internalizing a messed-up social rule.  Adult humans grow leg hair - it's okay on women, okay on men, it's not even really a sex trait biologically speaking even if society makes it de-facto a gender cue.  It doesn't hurt anyone for you to grow it out - if you need surgery they'll need to shave around the incision, but that's not a big deal.

I say you should do what you want and to heck with what other people think.

Hello again   I just had to reply to your post as so much of your situation is similar to mine and it sucks doesn't it !  I don't know whether sharing some of my story will help at all, but in the least I hope it makes you feel less alone.  I'm 36 and from the UK, in a long term relationship with a woman (13yrs).  I too am very new to this site and very new to the whole FTM thing (I know this isn't the case for you) but my entire life I have felt very different from other women in the sense that I felt more male than female.  As a child I hated girls clothes and longed to just dress as a boy, have my hair short and play with my action men toys.  As a teen I still felt the same and then came out as gay so kind of had an excuse to dress more masculine as it was kind of expected.  I then met my current partner and she made very clear from the start that she didn't like me wearing mens underwear and aftershave etc.  If I wanted to keep her then all that would have to stop. 

Fast forward to now and we are still together but I have this sadness within me, this feeling of not being right, of longing to be free....to be a boy I think.  She doesn't know about this and I am pretty sure I would lose her if I told her.  However by ignoring this part of myself I feel I am losing me instead. Parents wise, just no, they would not be ok at all !! I can't even think about them at the moment in regard to all this because I fear it would end up resulting in me losing them too.  So currently I am stuck.  I have told my GP and a counsellor I was seeing for anxiety and both have been brilliant.  My GP has said we can look at the issue whenever I feel ready and with my counsellor, I have already started. 
I have begun to experiment in secret with how I feel about small changes.  Two weeks ago I stopped shaving my legs and I love it ! Although if I go for a massage or anything I will feel I have to shave again to avoid "the look".  Your comments about swim wear made me smile, but only in the sense that - OMG I have been there too !  What on earth do we wear in a pool !  I hate swimming costumes and recently went for a scuba diving lesson in board shorts and t shirt because I couldn't face ladies swimwear.  I still felt odd though, because what I wore wasn't the norm *sigh*  As for the beach, all I want to do is wear a pair of board shorts and a smile you will instead find me sweating in a wetsuit or shorts and t shirt. 

With regard to your medical situation I would probably be honest from the start.  I did this earlier this year with my dentist.  I have a history of self harm and didn't want him freaking out when he saw the scars doing my iv sedation line.  My partner doesn't know about that either so I simply wrote the dentist a letter explaining it and also saying that my partner didn't know and to never mention anything in her presence.  Its worked really well.  I can relax, he understands, she doesn't know...perfect

I don't know if any of this has helped at all, but please don't think you are alone.  I feel so awful sometimes, all I want to do is go to bed and never get up again, to just shut the world away, so I really get that and know just how bad it feels.

Massive hug xx

Hey man,

Welcome to Susan's!
You're taking the first steps to self-discovery and acceptance. Those steps are the hardest by far. Keep doing what you're doing, and be true to yourself.
I echo what musicofthenight said. I know it is culturally obligated for women to shave their legs, but honestly, you shouldn't care about that. If they have a problem with it, then its their problem. And are you sure that was the reason your therapist cut your session short? If so, it is time to look for another one because this one cuts you short for really petty reaons.

I can't answer the treatment in medical situations because I haven't been in a hospital, but I can answer your swimming question. I, too, had great difficulties having to wear women's swimming wear. As a kid, I loved swimming and snorkling. But as soon as I started to develop those dreaded female characteristics, I got too embarassed to swim. Too much was showing. So the past few years I haven't touched a pool. I did go to the beach, but I always kept my pants and a tanktop on. So I guess my answer was that I just avoided swimming, instead of dealing with it.

I don't know about the waiting lists in the UK either, but you're making the right moves. Try to get help, and in the meantime, change what you can change. Small steps that move you forward will make you feel better. Perhaps get a haircut? Buy some manly colognes? And of course, talk to us whenever you feel frustrated or need help. That's what we're here for

I don't know the extent of your injuries. However, I can say that no PT has ever shortened my PT session or really said anything (America). I don't think they ever looked at me weird, but in general I'm oblivious to how I'm viewed by others (besides if I do something that isn't "normal", but is more efficient then all the "normal" people are missing out). I would advise shaving if there is any type of tape being used as this will hurt a lot. I have a brace for my foot and since I stopped shaving the heat rash and skin irritation has gone down. So if you do have a brace say that not shaving reduces the prickly hairs (ie if I didn't shave everyday or 2 it was terrible) and you want to keep both legs the same way.

I don't know how stuff works in the UK (I assume it is socialized), but doctors tend to be more open to things. If you don't change your name legally you could probably stay relatively closeted until that point. Also if your not on T then they won't know either. I don't think you could make up a condition to hide your T script, which means they could deduce you're trans from that.

As for swimming a pair of shorts and a T-shirt works to not show breasts. A rash guard is probably the best way to hide them even if it is close fitting. Maybe rash guard and a baggy T-shirt over it would work.

Hi everyone

Sorry for this quick rely. I'm heading out the door in a minute so will respond properly tomorrow when I have more time and when I have the house to myself.

I wanted to say a huge thank you for all your support and such prompt replies too. I have felt incredibly isolated and I think this year has been so crazy, I no longer know what normality is in any sense. My head just wants to explode and I think that's why my compulsion to be true to myself has reached boiling point. I can't keep it all bottled up and internalised any longer.

I'll give my physio one more chance in the morning just in case she was having a off day. I don't think so though as she was friendly chatty right up to the second I had to roll my pant legs up for her to examine my feet and ankles. The change in her demeanour was instant.  Previously I've mostly had male physios and they've been ok so far. I'll request a transfer to someone else if things don't improve. I can't afford to fear my physio sessions as they're gruelling enough at the best of times!

It's horrible that society puts so much pressure on people to conform. I would prefer not go rather than face my swim gear fears but I know I need the rehab. I definitely need to learn not to care what people think about my appearance. I'll work on that! I'm not going to cave and shave (  :-)  ) despite my legs being incredibly hairy. The ones on my right leg look darker too and more numerous, I guess from being confined in a cast and not seeing the light of day for a very long time!

Anyway, thanks again for welcoming me into the group and I'll respond in more depth tomorrow.

:-)

Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Congrats on making your first post though. I know it can be really hard to put this kind of thing out there in the open for the first time.

My 2 cents is just that - Like you one of the first ways I started to express my masculine side was to stop shaving my legs or armpits. I had a few false starts but eventually got them grown out to a good length. Then one weekend I was working on a garden for a reality TV show and although I wasn't going to specifically be in the show or anything, I knew there were going to be TV cameras around and I caved and shaved.

I felt so silly afterwards, it's not like they were going to film my legs for TV, and made a promise to myself never to shave them again. That was April and so far I've kept it up. I've also made a conscious decision to let myself still wear shorts and tops which show my armpits and although I've got a few comments from friends/family, nobody has been negative about it.

I think that when it comes to your own personal body image - you have to do what makes you comfortable and not worry so much about how it makes others feel. They will cope.

Hi again

Well, I survived my session in the hydro pool with my physio today. Give her her due, she was more friendly today although I don't think I imagined her being fixated with my legs the whole time but I guess that's her job! Today was the first time I'd been in the pool without shaving. OMG. I think the water magnified the hairs! They looked darker and more numerous, plus way longer whilst they were wafting around with the current. Good job I saw the funny side after a while! The physio made conversation about my huge upper arm tattoo of a realistic looking barn owl whilst at the same time insisting on reaching down to put more and more float rings around my leg. In the past, I've always done that myself but maybe that's because I'm Mr Independent! I'll be seeing her again next week but at least I feel slightly less apprehensive about that now. I tried very hard to see past my darned female hips and chest and instead focused on my muscular arms. It didn't help much! I need T!!!

When getting changed afterwards, another thought crossed my mind - Darn it. I'm gonna have to revert back to women's underwear on the day of my surgery, as I will have to endure the indignity of being forced to use bed pans for 24hrs after! Another reason I wish I could be all male!! Surgery day will be extra dysphoria day :-( - leg hair 'looks' from others (although my surgeon said to me today - 'no causing any skin rashes between now and then' - another reason not to shave), no boxer briefs, and probably worst of all - being automatically put on a women's bay on the ward. Grrrr. Maybe I should work towards being out to the medical team and nursing staff by the time another operation comes around? Would I get my own room then? Not sure. Might be easier than having to hide my true self...?

I think you're right MusicoftheNight. I think there is some degree of shame in me. My self-confidence has hit rock bottom because my dysphoria is consuming me. I don't fit society's norm and that's something I need to learn to accept and be proud of and not give a damn what other people think.

Trenton - thank you for your swim wear suggestions. I've not heard of the rash guard before but googled it. Makes sense though. It looks similar to my triathlon vest which doesn't have the sleeves. I might wear a t-shirt over it next week to hide my waist, hips and chest. As long as it doesn't then cling to my body when it gets wet! I guess I'll find out! And yes, my lower leg problems are pretty severe - more than 20 surgeries and counting on my right ankle alone with more to come. My Achilles' tendon has been cut and lengthened too, plus I have an ankle replacement now and a subtalar fusion, all of which might be in vain as we can't stop unwanted bone growing where it shouldn't be eg in joints and tendons. Ironic that I have a specific inflammatory arthritis condition that mostly affects men (90%) which came on 2 years after the car accident in 1994 (oncoming car doing over 100mph on a normal road lost control and smashed into my car head on). I'm crushed that if this next surgery doesn't help for long, then my only option is to lose my lower leg. So I'm pretty p'd off at present and is one more reason why I can't keep my dysphoria hidden any longer. It's all too much.

Talking of T, I know my dad uses androgel for low testosterone levels. I felt mortified when the question of where he keeps it popped into my mind. I'm desperate to be on T but yikes, as much as I want it, I have to go about things the correct way via the doctors...

Thank you Lake for sharing your story with me - similarities for sure! I don't know about you, but I'm relishing any opportunity I get to make small changes and test certain things out when I'm on my own. I feel lucky that my partner has never had an issue with me wearing guy clothes 24/7 beyond my recent transition to boxer briefs. Within a matter of 3 days, I went from buying one pack of 3 to replacing my whole underwear drawer with them. It felt liberating and fantastic! M&S ones are soooo comfy! I think that freaked my partner a bit but they just feel so right! I've always worn men's cologne too but then so does my partner who's not in the slightest bit butch. I still feel like I have to keep some things to myself at the moment, like trying to bind, packing and also reading books written by and about other FTMs. We share a Kindle account so I've gone to the lengths of setting up a new Amazon one specifically for my trans stuff including binders, which I then have to read on the quiet on my iPod rather than on my Kindle device or iPad. I honestly don't think my partner is ready for me to be more openly trans just yet, if at all. I had managed to internalise my natural feelings for so many years that I'm sure it was a shock when she found out just how far my level of discomfort and unhappiness goes, plus me saying I feel that I don't fit in.

Reminds me of a day many years ago when we hadn't been dating long. We were camping and as soon as we headed into the shower block early one morning, a woman came chasing in after me yelling and screaming at the top of her voice telling me to get out as this was the women's shower block and not the men's! It was honestly like a comedy scene in slow motion. My partner thought it was hilarious and before I knew it, she grabbed my T-shirt and lifted it up proving to the accuser that I was indeed a woman. I've been referred to as a guy many times but then suffered the embarrassment and discomfort when the other person realised their mistake. Sigh, why can't I just be a guy?! I'm not attracted to men but when watching TV shows like Dancing with the Stars / UK equivalent Strictly Come Dancing, I relate to their bodies and musculature as that is how I see myself in my mind. If only it were true :-(

I agree that you and I not wanting to lose our long term relationships, are losing ourselves instead. That seriously plays on my mind a lot. I see life whizzing by with me being caught up in years and years of surgeries with no end but not get the chance to be who I truly am and need to be. There's no second chances at life and the thought of growing old as a female instead of a trans man terrifies me and adds to my depression. I guess I will see how things pan out once I start to meet with a counsellor.

Thanks Mr X for your advice too. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders already having started to open up and reach out to the trans community and admit to my psychotherapist what is making me so unhappy. I haven't yet talked to my GP about it because I was worried it would influence her treatment of my other conditions to my detriment. My doctors surgery know me well and are very supportive with everything else. They even invited me to serve on their patient council board, which I accepted. I know I do need tell my doctor about my gender dysphoria. My (pain) psychotherapist wrote a long letter to her summarising what we've talked about so far but notably she didn't mention this issue. I know she wants to talk with her trans specialist colleague next but I guess it won't be long before she updates my GP again. At least I've made a start on my journey in little ways and I plan to build on that.  I don't want to go back in the closet now!

I promise not to write such long posts on the forum from now on! Apologies for letting it all out in one hit!

Regards and thank you

I'm glad your hydrotherapy went better than you thought it would.  I don't know how to deal with being in the pool and wearing clothes, I've avoided that as much as humanly possible ever since discovering the root of my dysphoria.

If you want to go through the system regarding getting to see a Gender Identity Clinic on the NHS then I would suggest you start as soon as possible, even if you only think that you might want to see one.  I'm trying to get it sorted out now and it's a royal pain in the rear.  The wait lists are about 4-5 months from referral in the good places, I'm not sure where you are, and some places are still trying to make you see your Community Mental Health Team before getting you a referral even though it is no longer necessary.

I don't really know what to suggest regarding the body hair, other than I can completely understand the hatred of the idea of shaving it back off again.  I haven't shaved mine since a rugby match two years ago when I was paranoid that people would notice and I had to wear shorts.  It would make my life so much easier if I could shave it right now and not have to worry about people seeing my legs whilst I'm asleep and my trousers roll up in the night.  No one's said anything though, and I know they've been seen by a couple of people, both my peers and PD instructors.  If people have a problem with it then that's their problem, but there is no way that they should be damaging your heath for their ideas of what parts of your body embarrass them.  Doctors have seen it all, more than you'd think.  I used to live in a rural area where the mean age is somewhere around 70 (honestly, there's a street where everyone is 3+/- 100th birthday), and they'd had trans patients see them before.

Hey great to hear that you survived the pool session !!  The first time will always be the worst, so will hopefully be a bit easier next.  You will be glad to hear that I've not "caved and shaved" either yet lol  Although that's only because its winter and my legs are nicely hidden away.  I too am actually quite excited to start trying out new changes, kind of feels like I get to have my teenage years again with regard to experimenting and finding myself.  As for your supply of male underwear.....oh I miss them so much.....I adored them, I loved how the waistband always poked out the top of my jeans and they just felt so right !  I am tempted to go buy a pair in secret and wear them on a Tuesday (partner at work until 11pm) but that feels a bit dishonest. 

Thanks for the shower story share lol...made me smile.  When I was at secondary school a dinner lady once tried to throw my out the girls toilets until I lifted up my shirt; she didn't try that again   Also, totally get you on the looking at men on tv etc.  For years I have had this thing about younger guys and loved to look at them.  At first I was a bit concerned that I was attracted to them, but its not that at all.....I look at them because I wish I was one of them.  With regard to our partners,  I really don't know what to say, it sucks    Today I am thinking that maybe I will have to just live with this secret, that maybe just acknowledging this part of me will be enough, but then I don't want to get to 100 and wish I'd had the balls (excuse the pun!) to be true to myself.  Counselling will be a great help I'm sure.  Mine is only very short term as the NHS in my area will only fund 10wks max, but for now I have this 1 hour a week where the boy in me gets to show himself and I love it !  Will be very lost when my sessions come to an end.

p.s don't worry about the long posts, I certainly don't mind....my first one was epic !

I'll try to come back and read this later, but for swimming I used men's "board shorts" and a rash guard. I think mostly you have to use a binder on top as well. I think you have to be very careful as binders get tighter when wet. There are swim binders as well as swim suits for trans guys. I have heard some guys use triathlon suits.

--Jay