My experience is very much like everyone else here that question was also asked of me by my x wife but her argument was " think of the children ". Well actually my daughters support me and understand me as I am not how they want me to be.

For me the whisper started at about 8 and grew into a nagging yell in my teen years in my 20s it grew louder but was still most,y ignored then at around 30 I started cross dressing at home to lessen the noise in my head which worked to a degree. I started drinking and doing weed a couple of years later to cope everyday but I knew something else had to be done.

Thinking it would make me feel more ' normal ' I got married at 36 but as the years went on I only got more depressed and desperate for inner peace, I finally came out to my then wife and she wend bonkers " how can you do this to me " she would say  " I've wasted my whole life on you " .

After we seperated I started dressing again but this time at home and in public p/t it seemed to ease my mental anguish but now 8 months later I am wanting more it seems that nothing I do can alleviate the screaming in my head, I have found myself weighing up the options of going on with this or just ending it all and being at peace forever.

All I can do is take it 1 day at a time until April when I see my therapist for the first time and hope that he will be able to save me from myself and give me some happiness back.

PS sorry if I started rambling just had to get it out.

Emily.T xx

[ftpAfter we seperated I started dressing again but this time at home and in public p/t it seemed to ease my mental anguish but now 8 months later I am wanting more it seems that nothing I do can alleviate the screaming in my head, I have found myself weighing up the options of going on with this or just ending it all and being at peace forever.
][/ftp]


Emily;

Most of us weigh the options and have been where you are, hugs. If it becomes too great a pressure call the hotline 1-800-273talk. It helps to add something to the list as a positive or eliminate a negative or both. I know that therapy, Susan's and HRT have made life bearable.

I've used this name for a while... Almost 20 years.

I never realized that it could be taken as a metaphor for a quantum gendered state that is both male and female.

I think I just solved my gender question .

Thank you Cynthia for your kind words it helps to know that I am not on my own and there is help available and also that others have been where I am and have come through it.

Emily.T xx

I'm now looking over my online behavior for a few weeks and considering I may be developing serious mental health issyes

Quote from: particle on December 09, 2013, 12:19:18 AM
I'm now looking over my online behavior for a few weeks and considering I may be developing serious mental health issyes

If you're outside the USA, some of this may not apply to you:

I'm not a psychologist, but... many problem behaviors are patterned from normal behaviors. Don't drive yourself to anxiety over it! I don't know what issues you think you're having, but you should definitely be looking for a gender therapist ASAP! If you cannot find one, a regular therapist is good in the interim. Your GP can prescribe medication for non transgender issues, especially with guidance from a therapist (i.e. depression and anxiety medications). Some GPs will prescribe transgender HRT, but usually you need an endocrinologist and a letter from your therapist.

Quote from: kabit on December 08, 2013, 07:55:53 AM
Sorry, I just hate that word "decision" with this stuff... I get the whole "your decision" BS a lot. Yes... there is some choice involved but the alternatives, slow self destruction and automatonous living, were not palatable. Calling the decision to transition sure makes being transgender sound like a choice ~ at least when coming from cis.

I think it's a "choice" in the sense that you can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Even if you can choose to be miserable, why would you want to?

My reasons for not wanting to continue to be recognized as male are simple. It's not who I am, and it's not how I want others to see me. There are also the crippling self esteem issues I have associated with presenting as male. And transitioning or not, I still can't tolerate having male levels of testosterone in my body without it making me feel horrible all the time. Considering this, why would I ever want to continue being male if I had any choice about it?

Quote from: Miyuki on December 09, 2013, 06:39:17 AM
I think it's a "choice" in the sense that you can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Even if you can choose to be miserable, why would you want to?

My reasons for not wanting to continue to be recognized as male are simple. It's not who I am, and it's not how I want others to see me. There are also the crippling self esteem issues I have associated with presenting as male. And transitioning or not, I still can't tolerate having male levels of testosterone in my body without it making me feel horrible all the time. Considering this, why would I ever want to continue being male if I had any choice about it?

This is the same argument that I'm presently having with my mom. She wants me to remain as a man, more sya to benefit her and to be less of an embarassment to her as well. But she doesn't take into account of how I feel about the situation, and that it's my life that she's dealing with. I've told her that I'm a non-op, so I will not be administering any hormones to my body, nor will there be any excessive cost for my transitioning. But she just doesn't want to see it my way and give me the choice of being happy instead of being miserable.

Yes I can, I have no problem being male, but if there are other better option, why not.

I either have to can this idea that I'm a woman, or lie to my wife forever, or lose her.  I'm not even entirely sure whether I believe my crazy ramblings any more.

I know I'll write cheery poetry.

QuoteWhat to do today.

Sleep is a little bit of death.
We wake up and start a war of attrition.
When we cannot keep fight it off,
We surrender.

Only to awaken on the front line.

Crap, that was depressing.

As much as many transwomen want to keep their wives, the only way I see it working is if she's either consciously or unconsciously bisexual.  If she's the kind of woman that loves someone for who they are, regardless of their sex (some women like this are unconsciously bisexual.)  If she's not bisexual and not comfortable with being seen as lesbian, it's not going to work out eventually.

Fact is that a heterosexual woman wants a man.   This is the unfortunate truth about many trans people, that we have unintentionally and unconsciously lied to everyone around us.  With lies comes the consequences of lying.  Even if we had a choice, many of us initially would have lied for fear of losing friends, family, and for fear of being an outcast, which are understandable reasons.  This is what society has done to us, just as it had done to so many gay people long ago.  By preventing or making it hostile for people to be whoever they are, they make people like us to unintentionally hurt or disappoint others around us because we didn't have the opportunity or the courage to find ourselves and live as who we really are in large part because of society not being as friendly toward people who didn't conform to their birth sex.  It's not our fault, it's society's fault, for pushing people to conform to whatever society wants people to be (and moreso for genetic males than females) especially in the past. 

Quote from: Katelyn on December 09, 2013, 12:32:48 PM
This is the unfortunate truth about many trans people, that we have unintentionally and unconsciously lied to everyone around us.  With lies comes the consequences of lying.  Even if we had a choice, many of us initially would have lied for fear of losing friends, family, and for fear of being an outcast, which are understandable reasons.  This is what society has done to us, just as it had done to so many gay people long ago.  By preventing or making it hostile for people to be whoever they are, they make people like us to unintentionally hurt or disappoint others around us because we didn't have the opportunity or the courage to find ourselves and live as who we really are in large part because of society not being as friendly toward people who didn't conform to their birth sex.  It's not our fault, it's society's fault, for pushing people to conform to whatever society wants people to be (and moreso for genetic males than females) especially in the past.

Very well put Katelyn.  Hopefully for younger generations this will become less and less a problem.  For the older transgender people with families, I'm guessing we will have a struggle for the rest of our life conflicted over the decisions we have made.

This so awesome I'm gonna rip out my wife's heart and wind up a bloated 500 lb man who  ruined his biology by messing with his hormones and is even more depressed and alone as a woman.

Hahaha my life is so awesome

Quote from: Katelyn on December 09, 2013, 12:32:48 PM
As much as many transwomen want to keep their wives, the only way I see it working is if she's either consciously or unconsciously bisexual.  If she's the kind of woman that loves someone for who they are, regardless of their sex (some women like this are unconsciously bisexual.)  If she's not bisexual and not comfortable with being seen as lesbian, it's not going to work out eventually.

Fact is that a heterosexual woman wants a man.   This is the unfortunate truth about many trans people, that we have unintentionally and unconsciously lied to everyone around us.  With lies comes the consequences of lying.  Even if we had a choice, many of us initially would have lied for fear of losing friends, family, and for fear of being an outcast, which are understandable reasons.  This is what society has done to us, just as it had done to so many gay people long ago.  By preventing or making it hostile for people to be whoever they are, they make people like us to unintentionally hurt or disappoint others around us because we didn't have the opportunity or the courage to find ourselves and live as who we really are in large part because of society not being as friendly toward people who didn't conform to their birth sex.  It's not our fault, it's society's fault, for pushing people to conform to whatever society wants people to be (and moreso for genetic males than females) especially in the past.

Society also molds our wives. They have a very difficult time accepting who we are because of who we are. I know my wife still loves me very much, and I know I do her. Truthfully, that makes the entire situation that much more painful for the both of us.

Particle, I'm sorry you have to go through this conflict.  I've been going through my own conflict for 6 years already.  Some decisions are really hard in life.  It's even harder if you aren't 100% sure that you are transgender.  Even if you are, you fear hurting loved ones and losing them.  I wish I could tell you that you shouldn't sacrifice yourself, but I guess I have been doing so myself for especially the past 6 years already.  I'll tell you that from my experience, that it's a pretty sad and many times miserable existence.  The only thing that pulls me through is hope.

I just want to know and I don't have the balls to stand up to my wife's feminist sociological reasoning why I am not ts. 

I just want to want to be a woman so I can blame everything on that rather than face up to being human garbage.

^ Transgender people, as well as the failed experiments of John Money should prove the feminists sociological theories wrong.  Gender is based on both biology and nurture.  Many people cling on to disproven ideas because they have an emotional stake on believing it (something that happened in their past for instance.)  You don't have to believe or follow something of your wife just because of her viewpoint or whatever happened to her in her past, you are your own person.

Hmmm... I wonder what that could be... Maybe I should have joined military, done some parachute jumping (was my latest fixation before I flipped the switch)... I dunno what else would have worked, as I pretty much tried everything except for drugs and heavy drinking. Hunting & fishing? Always hated that and never was into cars/motorcycles either.

It was the damn strength training.  It tripped the circuit breaker.

Created testosterone surge messed with myhead

Quote from: particle on December 09, 2013, 02:46:54 PM
It was the damn strength training.  It tripped the circuit breaker.

Created testosterone surge messed with myhead

I HATED those.  So glad I tanked the T!