Hi!
You can call me Shadow. I joined this forum because I am confused and need help to figure out who I am.
As a kid, I always wanted to be a boy. I was insulted when my dad would tell me that I couldn't do something because I am a girl. I hanged out with boys until I was 10, but afterwards I was more of a loner, I guess it is because I often found that people of my own age weren't mature enough. At 11, I started to be suicidal. I remember wanting to stab myself. I never made a concrete attempt though, I did not want to inflict this on my family and friends. I always thought that the source of my suffering was my relationship with my father since he was verbally abusive towards me and my siblings. But now I wonder if the reason was more than that, maybe it was because I never felt right in my body. Puberty was no fun either obviously, I never liked having breasts and curves.s
I also always envied the male body. The features I like in my body are the most masculine ones.
I've been with a fantastic woman for nearly a year and a half now, the suicidal thoughts mostly went away. I began meeting more and more trans people, and I realized that I envy them. I started looking at FtM videos and it feels right. I am very scared of people's reaction, if no one was currently in my life I'm pretty sure I already be transitioning.
I talked to her about me going to see a psychologist to figure it out and she did not react so well. She was married to a man before and left him because she wanted to be with a woman. I know she loves me a lot and she also loves my body much more than I do, but I am scared she will leave me if I transition. I love her so much and we planned on starting to try to have kids in the summer. I really don't want to mess things up, but I don't want to regret not transitioning for the rest of my life.
So I am here asking your advice.
