So, after years of living as a man with no outward sign of wanting to transition, I've had quite a lot of people in my life (family, friends, and even some therapists) treat my gender dysphoria like a sign of something deeply wrong with me.

I've had a lot of people- far too many- accuse me of manipulating my therapists/doctors when I finally got a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and a letter for HRT.  I've had comments to the effect of "no responsible doctor should prescribe that for someone like you" as if I was completely out of my mind.

Thing is, when my Munchausen-by-proxy mother hasn't been present, I've never been positively diagnosed with anything worse than severe anxiety and gender dysphoria.

So why do so many people- some of them with no connection to each other- seem to pester me to "get help" when I'm already "getting help," and when I tell them so they say it's not enough or I need to "be more honest" with my doctors and therapists?  Is it just because I had a reputation for being sicker than I was because I was raised by my emotionally abusive mother to believe I had a defective brain?

Honestly, it's making me so angry that I'm close to taking out about half a dozen restraining orders on various people including my own mother.

Has anyone else had this?  Have numerous people in your life relentlessly hounded you to "get help" when you were already getting the help you need?  And do you get kind of defensive and hair-trigger when the subject of your mental health comes up, even when someone doesn't actually mean any slight by it (I had that happen to me already this evening)?

Well, people would question me all the time,,,

but , but when I d say that "you know I see a therapist and he thinks I should do this"
people were like "oh ok the therapist knows better" and stoped any questioning...

So I dont know...
I didnt had the best childhood either , but I think the reactions you are getting are a bit too harsh...

Well I do say.

I have been assessed by two independent psychiatrists who state and agree that my gender is female.

What evidence do you have for your gender ID?

They usually backtrack at that point.

Quote from: Cindy on December 10, 2013, 03:17:53 AM
Well I do say.

I have been assessed by two independent psychiatrists who state and agree that my gender is female.

What evidence do you have for your gender ID?

They usually backtrack at that point.

Some of the people do back down, but those who know me in that gray area between "stranger" and "confidante" and are aware of the issues I was misdiagnosed with at a young age seem intent on thinking I'm lying to my doctors to manipulate them, or that I'm deliberately choosing quacks to get the answers I want, or that my doctors are doing me a disservice. 

Having two independent psychiatrists (neither of whom were hand-picked by me but were assigned to me by the clinics I went to) validate that I'm female hasn't really helped.

It's frustrating because I feel like being wrongly labeled at a young age puts me in a double bind where nothing is ever sufficient evidence to convince some of the laypeople in my life.  They assume it's one of the many conditions my mother convinced me (and my doctors) for years that I had, or a midlife crisis, or me being "impulsive" and not knowing what I'm doing. 

It's hell for me and it's hard not to internalize it when I have (now ex) friends and family saying so, and even former doctors I haven't spoken to in years that my mother has contacted and gotten the answers she wanted out of.  She calls me and talks about how worried about me she is and how worried this doctor or that doctor is because "they never saw any signs."

I'm having to shut off my own mother... I know I seem angry about that but really, she's the one woman I need most in my life and it's killing me inside.  God... I'm 29 years old and I'm reduced to crying for my mother.  I just want her to stop trying to turn me into a project and love me.  I'm having to come to terms with years of this now that I've been in therapy and began to see the insidious pattern that developed with her.  It's so painful.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on December 10, 2013, 02:30:29 AM
I've had a lot of people- far too many- accuse me of manipulating my therapists/doctors when I finally got a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and a letter for HRT. 

This defies logic. I mean, why would you WANT a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and to feminize your body if you were cis-gendered, right?

No one questioned my sanity. But since I hadn't confided my feelings to anyone, I did get a lot of "you're moving too fast", including from some therapists. I wanted to be a woman all my adult life, but the other people in my life had only been hearing about it for a few months.

The only person who matters is you.

I respectfully disagree those who say you need a professional to diagnose transgender. You know best what is good for you.

Your true allies will understand that. Find them.

Getting checked for other problems is standard. Your situation doesn't sound normal (to me), people shouldn't be harassing you like that under any circumstances.

Hang in there, I suppose.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 10, 2013, 07:01:03 AM
This defies logic. I mean, why would you WANT a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and to feminize your body if you were cis-gendered, right?

It's like people telling me to stop blackmailing them with depression, it doesn't work like that.

A similar situation might be like if someone had a knife and said they wanted to stab you with it, but you say you would bleed and die if they did. Then they accuse you of blackmailing them with dying because of the knife, saying you're a manipulative liar. Makes no sense.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on December 10, 2013, 02:30:29 AM
So, after years of living as a man with no outward sign of wanting to transition, I've had quite a lot of people in my life (family, friends, and even some therapists) treat my gender dysphoria like a sign of something deeply wrong with me.

I've had a lot of people- far too many- accuse me of manipulating my therapists/doctors when I finally got a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and a letter for HRT.  I've had comments to the effect of "no responsible doctor should prescribe that for someone like you" as if I was completely out of my mind.

Thing is, when my Munchausen-by-proxy mother hasn't been present, I've never been positively diagnosed with anything worse than severe anxiety and gender dysphoria.

So why do so many people- some of them with no connection to each other- seem to pester me to "get help" when I'm already "getting help," and when I tell them so they say it's not enough or I need to "be more honest" with my doctors and therapists?  Is it just because I had a reputation for being sicker than I was because I was raised by my emotionally abusive mother to believe I had a defective brain?

Honestly, it's making me so angry that I'm close to taking out about half a dozen restraining orders on various people including my own mother.

Has anyone else had this?  Have numerous people in your life relentlessly hounded you to "get help" when you were already getting the help you need?  And do you get kind of defensive and hair-trigger when the subject of your mental health comes up, even when someone doesn't actually mean any slight by it (I had that happen to me already this evening)?

Yes, my mom would always do this.  She believes that I have been manipulated by everyone in my support structure (my therapist, this forum, my friends)  to transition.  Apparently, the whole world is one big conspiracy to get me to have a "sex change" (as she puts it).  Yes, I'm the crazy one, lol.  And what's ironic is that my family is the only one that is attempting to manipulate me into a path I don't want.  I've been told that there is a lot wrong with me and that I'm sick and need help.  Worse is that I've even been called bad names as well. My family just doesn't know how to deal with everything, but they are slowly learning and accepting it.  Oddly enough, I was the so called "perfect" child (according to my mother which isn't true because I have flaws and have made mistakes) before this and never did anyone question my stability.  So, why did this change anything?  I know it's all the manifestation of love and fear of losing a child, but it's tiring sometimes.  You can't force someone to be something they're not. 

It's likely that there is some kind of denial or ignorance of the condition going on.  It's possible things can heal in some time and effort.  In my experience, most of these tactics are an attempt to stall the process or try to find an alternative to what's happening so they can stop it.   While I don't know for certain, it's possible that it will get better in time.  People act worst in the beginning. 

Quote from: Rose City Rose on December 10, 2013, 02:30:29 AM
So, after years of living as a man with no outward sign of wanting to transition, I've had quite a lot of people in my life (family, friends, and even some therapists) treat my gender dysphoria like a sign of something deeply wrong with me.

I've had a lot of people- far too many- accuse me of manipulating my therapists/doctors when I finally got a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and a letter for HRT.  I've had comments to the effect of "no responsible doctor should prescribe that for someone like you" as if I was completely out of my mind.

Thing is, when my Munchausen-by-proxy mother hasn't been present, I've never been positively diagnosed with anything worse than severe anxiety and gender dysphoria.

So why do so many people- some of them with no connection to each other- seem to pester me to "get help" when I'm already "getting help," and when I tell them so they say it's not enough or I need to "be more honest" with my doctors and therapists?  Is it just because I had a reputation for being sicker than I was because I was raised by my emotionally abusive mother to believe I had a defective brain?

Honestly, it's making me so angry that I'm close to taking out about half a dozen restraining orders on various people including my own mother.

Has anyone else had this?  Have numerous people in your life relentlessly hounded you to "get help" when you were already getting the help you need?  And do you get kind of defensive and hair-trigger when the subject of your mental health comes up, even when someone doesn't actually mean any slight by it (I had that happen to me already this evening)?

haha god yes they did question my sanity. its the reason as a child i spent more than 2 years in the state juvenile psychiatric hospital. although in their defense i did deserve it since i was way out of control and not right in the head. they tell me that most tras people have issues? although i always thoght it was depression caused by not being ourselves

Quote from: learningtolive on December 10, 2013, 05:20:09 PM
Yes, my mom would always do this.  She believes that I have been manipulated by everyone in my support structure (my therapist, this forum, my friends)  to transition.  Apparently, the whole world is one big conspiracy to get me to have a "sex change" (as she puts it).  Yes, I'm the crazy one, lol.  And what's ironic is that my family is the only one that is attempting to manipulate me into a path I don't want.  I've been told that there is a lot wrong with me and that I'm sick and need help.  Worse is that I've even been called bad names as well. My family just doesn't know how to deal with everything, but they are slowly learning and accepting it.  Oddly enough, I was the so called "perfect" child (according to my mother which isn't true because I have flaws and have made mistakes) before this and never did anyone question my stability.  So, why did this change anything?  I know it's all the manifestation of love and fear of losing a child, but it's tiring sometimes.  You can't force someone to be something they're not. 

It's likely that there is some kind of denial or ignorance of the condition going on.  It's possible things can heal in some time and effort.  In my experience, most of these tactics are an attempt to stall the process or try to find an alternative to what's happening so they can stop it.   While I don't know for certain, it's possible that it will get better in time.  People act worst in the beginning.

This sounds like a familiar story...  My parents ane the only people that questioned me as well.  I wan told to get second opinions, that my friends had implanted the idea in my head, that i was just struggling to get over my ex (we had been broken up for a few years and I was well over her).  At this point my parents seem like the crazy ones, not me.

Why on earth would anyone just up and decide, "You know, it would just be so awesome to be transgender.  I think I would like that."

I spent my whole life trying NOT to be.  Who wants to sign up for massive expenses, getting constantly prodded by therapists and doctors, ridicule, shame, potentially losing partners, friends, family and livelihood, endless electrolysis, risky surgery, awkward situations, and being hated by  ignorami everywhere?  Does that sound awesome or what? 

I had to put myself out of my misery one way or the other.  It was suffer and die or deal with the above and possibly be happy.

I am thankful that my therapist's diagnosis of gender dysphoria was basically determined by one simple question upon seeing how depressed I was: "Do you feel like a man or a woman?"

I question my own sanity.  I've had a low simmering dysphoria my whole life and it is exploding now.  I don't feel "like a woman" as I have no idea what that means.  I'm severely concerned that I can't distinguish between depression, anxiety, and a sexual fetish causing psychological hypochondria of GID, or GID manifesting itself in anxiety, depression, and a fetish.

As a teen in the 1960s my sanity was seriously in question! At 15 a shrink pronounced me homosexual (because I was attracted to guys) and delusional for the idea that I was or should have been a girl. He suggested to my  mother that I be put on testosterone to "make a man of me" or to have me institutionalized for treatment against my will including "aversion therapy" and even lobotomy. That scared the shyte out of me!!!

Quote from: Jill F on December 10, 2013, 07:56:24 PM
Why on earth would anyone just up and decide, "You know, it would just be so awesome to be transgender.  I think I would like that."

Who wants to sign up for massive expenses, getting constantly prodded by therapists and doctors, ridicule, shame, potentially losing partners, friends, family and livelihood, endless electrolysis, risky surgery, awkward situations, and being hated by  ignorami everywhere?  Does that sound awesome or what? 

Exactly.

I have heard this sanity question from my wife over and over again, she thinks it has something to do with my dysfunctional upbringing and that I'm just confused, and that regular therapy would cure me.

I made Jill's point to her and she still didn't "get it", and she still believes that this is something that I'm casually choosing.

My parents are up next to come out to, and I expect to hear the same line of questioning from them. Yes mom, I really am transgender and I have a diagnosis from a therapist to prove it. Sheesh.

Apparently we aren't qualified to even know our own selves.

This is a very difficult thing for people to understand and accept. And for what ever reason, gender and sexuality is threatening to many people.

Of the people I have recently told (I refuse to say "come out" to. I was not in a closet and prefer to not use gay culture terminology), I have gotten mixed, but mostly positive reactions. My older brother, whom I have always been very close with, was very supportive. But I expected this. He's a very smart man.. a professor, and an artist.

My closest male friend was also very supportive. We have known each other since the mid 80s. I wasn't sure how he was going to take the news, but he's also an open minded guy. He said he hates to think of me in distress, and if that brings me peace then it's a good thing. I think we got closer since telling him.

My other very close friend is a lesbian, and while I thought that would make this easier for her to accept, I also know that some of the LGB community don't seem to like us Ts. It seemed to take her a little longer to accept. She thinks I'm taking very big steps. We don't seem to talk as much now.

I got good reactions from a few other friends.

My ex wife on the other hand, is having a harder time with this. When I started making some changes to my appearance, like plucking my eyebrows, and wearing nail polish (and at this point it was black nail polish), she called me up one day and asked if I was going to announce (still not using that phrase!) that I was gay. lol That cracked me up. So I explained the whole thing, she had that epiphany, realizing that this all explained why she always said I reminded her of a girl, in that I'm sensitive and kind and my mannerisms, all things she was attracted to, and that she offered her support. I explained the whole process, and even joked that she could come to Mexico with me for my FFS (assuming I go to Dr. C). That made me feel good.

Then she went away for the Halloween weekend, and I had our daughter that weekend, and my band played a Halloween party. My costume was my profile photo (taken in the bathroom when I put my wig on). I used that photo that week on my regular (boy mode) FaceBook page, and that freaked her out! She went from supportive, to saying I lied to her all these years by not telling her, and was not gong to let me see our daughter, because I was going to traumatize her. <sigh> She's even taking me to court. 

She's calmed down a bit since then, but still thinks this is more of a big deal than I do. I keep saying, "look, it's not going to happen over night, and I'm still the same person, but I'll look different" But her response is "BUT YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR GENDER!"  (<-- her face) Well, yes and no, only on the outside. I've been a girl my whole life...  lol Why, oh why, is this so hard for people to accept?

I can only imagine what my band mates are going to say (although I think the drummer knows, since he asks me about trans issues some times... I think he's been reading my Facebook posts  lol)

But, no one has thought I was crazy, or needed therapy.

Quote from: RavenMoon on December 13, 2013, 12:16:27 AM
lol Why, oh why, is this so hard for people to accept?

Raven, I can actually suggestion an answer to this question. Because transgender was hard for me to accept as well.

Everything else we decide to do is a result of making up our mind. Do we want to cut our hair short? We decide to do that. Then people tell you won't look good with short hair. So we can change our mind. Our decisions are under our control.

Or you decide to buy a Chevy. Then you read that Toyotas have a better repair record. You change your mind. Pretty much every thing we decide to do is the result of an idea we have that can be refined or changed.

Except transgender.

It's pretty much the ONLY exception to this.

It's wired into our brain in a way that makes it not a decision. You can't decide to be male instead. This is hard for people to accept because they have never had the experience of a notion that's so strongly hardwired into their brain that they can't change their minds.

I certainly have never had that experience in any other circumstance. All of my ideas are changeable once I've thought about them. That's why doctors for decades thought we were all crazy. Because they expected our notions about our gender to follow the rules that most thoughts and ideas follow.

My father thought I was crazy.

When I mentioned to him that I was looking into medication, he assumed that I meant some kind of anti-psychotic.

This is why I've told pretty much no one I'm on HRT and plan going full time in June, and won't until I'm just at the point of going full time. That way they won't have to imagine (along with their various prejudices) what I will be like as a woman because there I'll be. First time I tried transition I was telling people months out from when I was going full time and really it wasn't worth it in most cases.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 13, 2013, 07:31:56 AM
Raven, I can actually suggestion an answer to this question. Because transgender was hard for me to accept as well.

It was confusing to me as a kid, but there was nothing to accept. I knew I was supposed to be a girl. The hard to accept part was that I wasn't. Well not outwardly anyway. Then I made it a habit of avoiding overly male activities I had no interest in. It helped me cope by taking up sewing and making my own clothes etc. In my private little world I was as much a girl as I wanted to be. Except when I looked in the mirror.    But still, I tended to see something other people didn't see.

I guess because my dysphoria started at a very young age I internalized it and it's just part of me. Like I'm not tall, and I'm not a girl. Part of you might not like those things, but you are stuck with them. So I wished I was girl, but I liked being short. But it's still torture.

But other people don't get it. Well actually some do. Kind of. But as with sexual orientation, some straight people don't understand gay people. I'm technically "straight" as a male, but I don't have to be "gay" to understand that's how they feel. But some people are closed minded.

When you tell some people about wanting to change your outward gender their eyes get glazed over.  Especially guys. The whole thought of getting rid of your penis freaks them out. lol

I think for the people that really know me, they get it. But the fact that you have violence directed towards trans and gay folks shows how messed up some people's minds are.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 13, 2013, 10:26:41 AM
This is why I've told pretty much no one I'm on HRT and plan going full time in June, and won't until I'm just at the point of going full time. That way they won't have to imagine (along with their various prejudices) what I will be like as a woman because there I'll be. First time I tried transition I was telling people months out from when I was going full time and really it wasn't worth it in most cases.

That's pretty much my plan too. But I have told some close friends and my brother and his wife, which are all that's left of my family.

It was very liberating telling people. I have kept it a secret my whole life. But for the ones that might have difficulty with it, I'll just let it happen. When I can't hide it anymore they will know. I also made a Facebook profile for Raven and invited my close friends, and she got her own website and email. Helps bring her into existence I think. (talking about her in the third person amuses me)

I've been changing my appearance slowly as to desensitize people. It might not be such a jarring change then. My 8 year old daughter doesn't blink an eye now when she sees my toenails painted red, except to tell me she likes the color. But my 22 year old son was teasing me about my "ladies" jeans. lol