Quote from: particle on December 11, 2013, 09:24:44 PM
This is an invincible plan.   Curing GID with macho overload.   How can it fail?  ;-)

If only you knew how often that happens... and fails. In fact, just from what I've read, I'd say the majority of the 'origin stories' here have some similar element to this. For me, it was the entirety of my teens. I didn't go 'super macho' but I made a decision to try to be more 'socially acceptable' and bury the trans part of me away until I forgot about it. Only lasted until 20, or less if you consider all the feminine attributes that started leaking out years prior.

I've been doing pretty good.  I get to enjoy a lot of girly stuff by doing it with my wife.

Macho night fail, btw.  Spent evening assembling ribbons and pretty papers into packaging for my wife's  literary jewelry store on etsy.

Quote from: particle on December 11, 2013, 09:22:46 PM
Note to self:

Overcompensation To-do List

Grow beard.
Intentionally watch football.
Get back to the weightlifting.
Watch marathon of 80's action movies.
Get my wife to make me a sandwich.
Shower and brush my teeth monthly, whether I need it or not.
Keep 10 feet away from all pink things.
Glower at everything.
Laugh only at dick and fart jokes, or people getting hurt.

This list is by far an exhaustive one, dear.
I have a lot of suggestions for possible improvement - like getting Yourself a firearm, carrying permit and taking courses to handle gun, take some extreme driving courses, get a pilot certificate, try some parachute jumping, maybe diving, learn some martial arts... it will keep You busy for some 5 years, maybe 10 years if You get lucky. But I wont guarantee an ultimate success, nevertheless. In fact, I can assure that it is bound to fail sooner or later.
And btw, You dont even have to be that macho type with all that mysogynia and stuff which is usually related. There are plenty of other stereotypes for strong and convincing masculine behaviour and macho is one of the worst - at least in terms of social interaction.

Having already had one tilt at this I was considerably more resistant to the idea the second time. First time it was "yes, this is what I must do" but I was young and a bit rash even if my overall approach was very methodical the whole thing collapsed in a sobbing heap. This time I resisted it immensely until my therapist suggested I was unintentionally harbouring internalized transphobia, I was shocked but realised he was right. That might be absolutely not the case with you particle, but I guess the point I'm getting at is that this is a slow delicate journey that requires much self questioning, self doubt, self discovery and self acceptance. Without that the transition process cannot really go forwards. I hear your fear about this, I really get it. I can only offer that you don't need to rush anything and in fact sometimes going faster than your're comfortable with will often lead to things going pear shaped. Just make sure you get the right supports in place regardless of the decision you make.

I want to honestly thank everyone for replying.  I quite honestly thought I'd hear that anyone with as much uncertainty as me would be almost assuredly not a person who might eventually transition.

Obviously, this is  not the case.   I may very we'll need to try hrt to tell.  I  LI might wind up in a few years legally changing my name to Robin or something and living as a woman.

Quote from: particle on December 11, 2013, 09:22:46 PM
Watch marathon of 80's action movies.

This is considered a manly thing?  I thought this was a cultured evenings entertainment! (Along with wine, cheese and chocolate of course )

Quote from: Kaylee on December 12, 2013, 06:00:59 AM
This is considered a manly thing?  I thought this was a cultured evenings entertainment! (Along with wine, cheese and chocolate of course )

Funny, but just a couple of days ago that urge visited me too... I spent quite some time watching trailers and intros from Airwolf, McGyver, Cobra, Beverlyhills Cop, Robocop, A-Team, Hawk the Slayer, Masters of Universe and many others...

Not exactly as you put it, but similar.

I had a point where I told myself to stop thinking about transgender stuff. Knowing that if I kept thinking, I wouldn't be able to continue as a guy. Something like "I have to forget this fantasy, it won't happen.". And the idea of change terrified/terrifies me, my biggest fear is probably that some bizarre occurrence will make everything go horribly wrong.

Still. Glad I did say something, even if it would be easier to just be cis gendered, I don't think that would be me.

This still sucks, btw.

I want to curl up into a ball and cry and never stop,

I can feel a part of me wanting to be a woman so badly.  I almost want to just give in.

I just have such doubts.

Quote from: particle on December 12, 2013, 09:33:44 AM
I can feel a part of me wanting to be a woman so badly.  I almost want to just give in.

I just have such doubts.

We can discuss these doubts if you would like..

Quote from: particle on December 12, 2013, 09:33:44 AM
I can feel a part of me wanting to be a woman so badly.  I almost want to just give in.

I just have such doubts.

I all too well know how you feel.

I'm out in public wearing women's clothes.

Sure it's just a crew neck sweatshirt but it is a very pretty shade of magenta, a color I've never worn.

Doubts, let's see

I am weak-willed and credulous.  It is possible that by overexposing myself to the tg community, I've allowed the standard TS narrative to become my own,* and just can't shake it like a song stuck on my head.

EDIT
I retract this statement as many of the wonderful posters here who have helped me.  This is part of an internalized anti-trans philosophical stance I have used to bolster my inner defenses.  Sorry to anyone who was iffended
* due to the trans community's need to validate their choices through others.*


I am a friendless outcast, desperate to go to any lengths to fit in with a group.

I can't define how I mean I indentiy as female.

I don't know what it feels to feel like a woman.

I don't consciously dislike being male

Quote from: particle on December 12, 2013, 01:25:19 PM
It is possible that by overexposing myself to the tg community, I've allowed the standard TS narrative to become my own, due to the trans community's need to validate their choices through others.

Sorry particle, but that is a little bit insulting, all I've seen here is people relating their own experiences, revealing their own doubts... not cheering you on to swap your gender orientation. This is a support site, so naturally people are going to be supportive. If you were hoping people would decry your gender issues as fantasy it's not going to happen here.

You're confused and fearful and full of doubt, I absolutely get that. It's a rare person who isn't... not just trans people but all people, cis included. Sorry, hon, I won't tell you if you are trans* or not, i doubt anyone here will either...the only person who can do that is you. Please realise, we're not trying to convince you to be trans* just to validate ourselves, but we would like to help support you through the decision process whatever that may be! 

Well particle, maybe you could try to describe the part of you that wants to be a woman so badly? And perhaps how it might conflict with being a man? Because as you said, you also seem to be comfortable enough being a man, but surely there must be some things that don't mesh with that?

Grace, II edited the post, to call out the conspiracy theory,

Sorry,

I can't describe it.

I think I'm gonna back off posting for a bit.  I'll read some responses, but this is probably not helping me the way I need.

Grace yes, support sites should be biased towards support . 

And I've got nothing but love and support here.

Quote from: particle on December 12, 2013, 01:25:19 PM
I am a friendless outcast, desperate to go to any lengths to fit in with a group.

There are easier groups to join..

QuoteI can't define how I mean I indentiy as female.

Neither can I, nor have I ever been able to..

QuoteI don't know what it feels to feel like a woman.

Are you sure?

QuoteI don't consciously dislike being male

I didn't dislike it either, I just knew it wasn't quite right..

As many others have noted, denial and repression are not uncommon features of our journey toward self acceptance.  I tried a very limited transition (self medicating and cross dressing) back in the 90's that both thrilled and scared me.  I was sadly very able to distract, deny and repress those feelings for decades.  It never worked.  The feelings always came back.  My shadow feminine self followed me.
My only major regret about this transition, echoed here at Susan's countless times, is that I didn't do it at an age when I may have had a better results.

Don't die wondering if only...........

I've never, ever, been the into the macho thing. I always hated sports. I was always quiet and gentle and artistic, etc. I never had muscles and didn't want any! I wasn't effeminate, but wasn't very masculine either.

I've repressed my GD just because I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I was aware of people that had "sex changes" when I was younger, but that was always a mystery, and was done in Sweden or somewhere like that. Seemingly beyond my reach. So I just tried to make the best of things. But I never really tried to be someone else. My true self was always private to me. I'm a Scorpio anyway, so we tend to be secretive, and that always applied to me.

Now that I'm older and divorced, I'm ready. If I could do everything to finish my transition tomorrow, I would. That's how much I want it, and always did.

Now the hard part... waiting and saving up money... and more waiting. And I'm not getting any younger.   

It's torture.