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Timeframe to notifying work to coming out

Started by Allie, December 12, 2013, 12:33:46 PM

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Allie

I am looking for how much advance notice I should give HR prior to me coming out. I've been looking around and really can't find a definitive answer. The answers I have been finding range from 3 weeks to 8 months. 

I am from CT so our discimination laws are pretty robust. I work at a large aerospace manufacturer. Plus on the company career page, included in the equal opportunity statement is transgender. There maybe transgender individuals working through out the company but in our subsidiary since I have been employed no one has transitioned on the job. I am in middle management and a 20 year employee, if that makes a difference.

Any thoughts would be appreciated..
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Antonia J

I talked to my HR, and we decided on 3 months before I want to go full time. This gives them time to do training, address the issues of bathrooms, and ensure the management is equipped on how to respond to questions and possibly negative comments. I am also in middle management.

I went to HR, and gave them a heads up of what was coming, and we are coordinating efforts. We also have a trans policy, and are a 100% rated company by HRC, but the reality is nobody has experience with a transition on the job at my company. It helps to have an idea in mind on what transition means to you, and what you need from the company. For me, it is a bathroom first and foremost. Good luck!
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Allie

Thank you Antonia, that's what I was hoping to hear. I don't want to press but can I ask what obstacles did you come across while transitioning at work? Issues with subordinates, peers or upper management?

I just want to be ready for issues that may come up, thank you again
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Brooke777

I gave HR and my manager about 3 months notice. We all worked together to develop handouts and design a transition policy since no one had ever transitioned where I worked. Lucky for you, your company actually has quite a bit of experience with it (I used to have lunch with the owner about once a month). I found that it helped a lot to train management on how to work with trans people. They still had some issues, but the ACLU helped out a lot. As for my peers, I had no issues. Which was odd since it was a very conservative work environment.
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Allie

Brooke how did the ACLU help? Aren't they more law specific?
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Brooke777

Quote from: Allie on December 13, 2013, 06:20:47 PM
Brooke how did the ACLU help? Aren't they more law specific?

The ACLU helps people fight for their rights. Some of the things that my work was trying to do were technically illegal, and the infringed on my rights. Since I have worked quite a bit with them (the ACLU) they wrote a letter to my employer, and things were made right. I have used the ACLU on several occasions, mainly to help other trans people from going through some of the things I have gone through.
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Antonia J

Your question is kind of interesting to me as I present largely as an effeminate male right now, and have been transitioning since February of 2013 until now, and started HRT in early September. I came out to HR in September, and my peers and boss around the same time. Essentially, I have long hair, earrings, painted nails, and wear women's pants and shoes quite often. However, I never officially transitioned. I just told them I was transgender and this is how I express my gender. Right now nobody seems to bat an eye. You should keep in mind that I identify non-binary and my presentation waffles between butch female / femme male quite often.

That said, I made very clear that I plan to progress on HRT and may go full time and further change my presentation to more girly in the spring / summer of 2014, and that is what we are working with now. I think the big things I have encountered so far is a complete lack of knowledge on the part of management and HR.  Through a local trans support group, I connected my HR representative to another HR rep at a company that had a member of my support group transition so they could share ideas. I had to identify all of the specific issues that we would need training on and targeted groups to train - I work in a 3,700 employee manufacturing company, and I am a client manager supporting production for detailed cost analysis. It's a very blue-collar male environment.

To that last point, so far I have not had too many challenges in my present appearance. My immediate work team and colleagues are professional and started asking questions when I went from clean cut male in khakis and button down shirts with sweater vests to skinny jeans, andro blouses, earrings and Sperry's.  I had a serious meeting with my manager and HR and explained what was going on. I came out to my three closest work team members at a lunch informally. They have all been pretty nonchalant or actually supportive.

The only issue I have had so far, and I don't have an answer for, is there are some manufacturing managers who are real "meatheads" who clearly are uncomfortable with my presentation. They don't give me a hard time because we are pretty open with LGBT protection policies. However, my male privilege has gone out the window. By this I mean that a year ago I would go into a meeting and be an equal part of the discussion, and could interrupt someone talking if I disagreed with them and they would shut up and listen. I could also bust their balls if they had an opinion I did not agree with and they would back down or banter with me. Things changed when I got earrings, and especially after I went in with purple nails (I look very middle class, working professional, and not younger alternative - it is work appropriate female attire).  In general, women seem more comfortable and accepting than males I work with.

The best I can say now is that I sometimes feel "tolerated" in discussions, and need to be pleasantly persistent lest I be perceived as antagonistic. It is tough for me to interrupt without getting unfriendly looks. Better is for me to feign interest, and then say something like, "Well, that is an interesting perspective. I wonder if we might consider doing this as an alternative." It is subtle changes to language and I see cis-women doing it. You will have to work twice as hard, have half as many personal issues, and do it all with a smile to be taken at the same level of competence as male counterparts. Really.

I think the biggest issue is going to be bathrooms, and I am pushing my company hard for a unisex, non-gender bathroom. Aside from that, I think the other item is to do as much homework before you meet with them. Have a plan and identify several issues, specific needs, and recommendations. I think the Human Rights Campaign has some brochures you can download to help employers with transition policies and training. You will probably get initial support - but you will want to assist them in understanding what it means and what they need to do. You also need to be honest with yourself and stick to commitments with them - if they are going to spend money on resources for training, changing bathrooms, etc. then you want to make sure you have your transition timeline worked out so that it does not lead to confusion. 

Good luck!
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Misato

I think it was about three months when I came out to my employer. One month from when I announced to the company.

If I had to do it over again, I would have gone out to lunch or done something with my boss and our HR Director during the lead up so they could have seen me before day one. I found out later on they were nervous about who would walk in the door, and how she would be dressed. I think they would have been more relaxed about it if they'd been given a preview.

In good news, my HR Director at that job just said during the lead up meeting, "You're using the women's room." Paused "If you want it." Which was pretty darn cool and of course I did! :)

Good luck everyone!
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Allie

Thank you for the insight, I've been on hrt for a little over 4 months and the changes are noticable. I am somewhere in between male and female in my appearance. Many questions have been raised due to the changes that have already taken place. I am dying to get my ears pierced but I know that it will put me over the appearance edge. I continue wear my hair and dress very male to hide but my wife says I look like Annie Lennox from the Eurythmics.

I have told my director the other day after he gave me my performance review. He said he will keep it confidential. Our subsidiary's HR dept is going through a lot of issues with a new director and reps, so I don't really trust them and my director agrees. I am planning on meeting with our corporate HR VP within the next couple of weeks. Bathroom use is going to be an issue we have no uni bathrooms at our facility.

I figure I have less than 6 months before my physical appearance outs me.

Those manufacturing manager "meat heads" are my peers, there are many board room discussions and some of the talk is very candid. I think I can handle the comments as long as they are not mean or inflammatory in nature. I think much of my fear at work is based on the fact I will not be taken seriously any more. That in itself may interfer with my responsiblities and performance. I am usually outspoken, I am not sure how I will deal with being tolerated. I guess these are the things that will need addressing with HR.
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Misato

Might I suggest that, your co-workers could be reacting to you thinking of them as meatheads? Even if you never called the name to their faces, these people might be sensing your feelings about them and responding to those.

If you give people a chance, when you come out if someone reacts badly you will know who needs extra time. Much better than guessing or assuming cause giving people a chance makes it so very much easier to make new friends. :)
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Antonia J

Quote from: Misato on December 14, 2013, 07:31:39 AM
Might I suggest that, your co-workers could be reacting to you thinking of them as meatheads? Even if you never called the name to their faces, these people might be sensing your feelings about them and responding to those.

If you give people a chance, when you come out if someone reacts badly you will know who needs extra time. Much better than guessing or assuming cause giving people a chance makes it so very much easier to make new friends. :)

I think this is a good point.  I used a pejorative term and didn't mean to imply that they don't work with me anymore.  However, the dynamics certainly have changed. A manufacturing environment is definitely an old boys club. Presenting feminine means that I definitely don't fit that any longer and need to adapt my style,  which I have. Nobody had been hostile,  though. I just no longer have male privilege,  and you do notice when it is gone.

You make a good observation,  though. Thank you! :)
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