A common misconception of transitioning is that it is the end all be be all, but it's not. Whatever issues one had before transition will be there after. Then there's the spectre of living in the new gender. I'm sure there's some let down after surgery, which is natural. I'm a proponent of some post op counseling because they are real issues.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 16, 2013, 01:09:22 PM
It's a shame that articles like this aren't counterbalanced with stories from those who are happy with their transition. There seems to be a degree of schadenfreude in digging up examples of "failures" - to prove what point exactly I have no idea.

To be fair, this is buried very deeply into Conway's website which is full of positive and useful (and accurate) info about transgender. I had to follow three or four links even to get to it.

And Conway knows of what she speaks.

For those who aren't familiar with her story, she worked for IBM in the '70s and helped pioneer computer technology on which they built their empire. When she told them she was going to transition, they fired her pretty much on the spot, and for decades she had trouble finding work in the very industry she helped found.

I'm sure she did some soul-searching herself as to whether her own transition was worth it.

Just to throw in my two cents:

There's a survey of 448 trans individuals which was done in 2011 that really goes to show that all of these stories of regret and horror are REALLY overblown. Yes, they do happen, but we're basically defending ourselves against a very vocal minority that is somehow making it seem like transition is wrong for everyone just because it was wrong for them, when in reality around 96% are satisfied with transition as a whole, with 90% satisfied with SRS.

Quote from: Tessa James on December 16, 2013, 04:08:38 PM
Great posts all, thank you.

Communication is so important! As an "older transitioner" it is only reasonable to acknowledge our bigger baggage profile. I am loving my transition and each step, carefully considered and deliberate, has confirmed my sense of self and my true identity.  SRS/GCS may yet be in my future but not essential.  Making progress is mostly between my ears as my body and self image get closer aligned.

NO regrets here other than starting late!

Tessa, I love your attitude!

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 16, 2013, 07:26:42 PM
To be fair, this is buried very deeply into Conway's website which is full of positive and useful (and accurate) info about transgender. I had to follow three or four links even to get to it.

And Conway knows of what she speaks.

For those who aren't familiar with her story, she worked for IBM in the '70s and helped pioneer computer technology on which they built their empire. When she told them she was going to transition, they fired her pretty much on the spot, and for decades she had trouble finding work in the very industry she helped found.

I'm sure she did some soul-searching herself as to whether her own transition was worth it.

Lynn Conway definently set a standard for the generation of transgender population to come. 

Quote from: Carrie Liz on December 16, 2013, 07:44:19 PM
Just to throw in my two cents:

There's a survey of 448 trans individuals which was done in 2011 that really goes to show that all of these stories of regret and horror are REALLY overblown. Yes, they do happen, but we're basically defending ourselves against a very vocal minority that is somehow making it seem like transition is wrong for everyone just because it was wrong for them, when in reality around 96% are satisfied with transition as a whole, with 90% satisfied with SRS.

Nice post! 

I have read postings from a number of quite vocal de-transitioners on the interwebz who feel they must invalidate everyone else's trans* experience in order to validate their own lives.   Is SRS for everyone under the transgender umbrella?  No way.  Some people clearly should not go there, especially those who are not actually transsexuals.   It's sad that some of these individuals have effectively ruined it for the rest of us by increasing the perceived need for gatekeeping measures.

There is the grass is always greener no matter which side you are on effect that goes on with just about everybody.  Your psyche has a way of ironing out the wrinkles the further in the past things fall.  When you don't feel the intensity of being in the moment with the darkness, with your very existence being unbearable, because you have taken yourself out of it through transition, you have stopped being a reliable narrator of your past.  You won't see yourself that way though, because you did live through those black days, so obviously (you tell yourself) you know how it felt. Then feeling the intensity of being in a moment now with a present-day problem, you look back on your smoothed-out past and think maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe your life was better then.  It wasn't, your perception just has been distorted by time.

My feeling is don't make major changes unless there is no other option, and until there isn't, try to make the best of things.  That goes for both transitioning and de-transitioning.  These are just not things to do on a whim, especially considering the distortion of perception which can lead to some majorly faulty judgement if you aren't super careful.

I don't know!  I was part of that suck it up and make the best of things pragmatism that sufficed for depth and is more about adaptation or survival.  One may avoid looking at the darkness for decades.  There are all kinds of things we can do, regret and let go of...  Guilt and shame are constructs that can transcend the distortions of time.  We already know what it's like to be different.  I did that nonsense of trying to be something else.  Forgedaboutit. and damn the torpedoes.  Be yourself and feel liberated to your own best abilities.

Oh and yes, be super carful
 

I know what you mean.  I almost didn't survive all my caution and waiting till I didn't have a choice, and I lost a lot of years to misery, so yeah that approach definitely has it's own risks.  I would say just don't trust your memories of how good and pleasant things were in the past, and certainly don't let them be the guiding force behind any major decision you make.

Quote from: Jen on December 16, 2013, 09:39:48 PM
My feeling is don't make major changes unless there is no other option, and until there isn't, try to make the best of things. 

This scares the crap out of me.

I'm signed up for surgery this summer. Unlike transitioning, I feel like there IS an option. I could live for the rest of my life with male underparts. I would not be at peace with my body and that would make life less happier than it could be, but certainly nowhere near unbearable.

Is this an awful mistake?

Hmmm well duh, sure some will regret the surgery.

Some will regret doing it, some will regret NOT doing it. Some will regret doing it early and some will regret doing it late.

The article serves no purpose in telling any of us that you might regret it.

You might regret many things in your life.

I regret trying to join the army in the hindsight sense of the word. I regret reading text books in a way, but not. Because is made me bored in high school which lead to lousy performance in class, lousy marks which mangled my education on paper. All because I was too educated too fast. Now how is that for a kicker eh.

I regret not having a second child all because I had to be the responsible member of society and NOT put undo pressure on the 'system' that supports me. My being responsible denied my son of a brother or sister. Being an only child didn't do my father any favours. Life was not easy for him supporting his divorced mother as 16. Maybe I should have just said screw it I am having another child.

I will go to my grave regretting that choice but SRS surgery? no not a chance in my case. If I was going to regret anything about my transition, I'd have done it the day I mentioned I was female more than a year ago.

It is unfortunate I might have lost some people in my life over this. But then again, I don't regret forcing people to reveal their true colours either. I would rather know the people I can count on. YOU can live in fear of finding out, I am glad though I know who is a REAL friend. One real proven friend is worth any number of unestablished friends. You can't make my life economically comfortable enough to make living a fake existence a good trade.

I'd gladly die on the street as a woman alone and unwanted if it meant I got to check out as a woman at least.

Suzi : I felt the same way, and had some doubts right up until the night before. I was reasonably sure I'd be happier afterward, but I never felt like I NEEDED surgery in order to keep living or to have above-zero quality of life. I'm still delighted that I did it, and grateful every day. Obviously I can't tell you how you'll feel (if only we could predict the future!), but the narrative that everyone must be *desperate* to get surgery or they'll regret it seems damaging, in the same way that being told that true transsexuals have to be suicidal before they transition convinced me that I must be faking.

There is apparently at least one woman on this forum who posts occasionally about desperately regretting GRS, but she also says she was forced into it and did it mostly to get her documents in order, which it turns out *was* a bad reason.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 17, 2013, 06:36:24 AM
This scares the crap out of me.

I'm signed up for surgery this summer. Unlike transitioning, I feel like there IS an option. I could live for the rest of my life with male underparts. I would not be at peace with my body and that would make life less happier than it could be, but certainly nowhere near unbearable.

Is this an awful mistake?

I would not say anything is a mistake.  You have to figure out what's right for you and then do it.  I do know doubts are very common with that step leading up to it.  Just listen to yourself.  I think the thing I said before could be paralyzing for some and I wish i worded it differently, because at some point you gave to gather the evidence and take a leap, otherwise you'll just sit on the edge of the pool for your whole life long.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on December 17, 2013, 07:40:21 AM
Hmmm well duh, sure some will regret the surgery.

Some will regret doing it, some will regret NOT doing it. Some will regret doing it early and some will regret doing it late.

The article serves no purpose in telling any of us that you might regret it.

You might regret many things in your life.

I regret trying to join the army in the hindsight sense of the word. I regret reading text books in a way, but not. Because is made me bored in high school which lead to lousy performance in class, lousy marks which mangled my education on paper. All because I was too educated too fast. Now how is that for a kicker eh.

I regret not having a second child all because I had to be the responsible member of society and NOT put undo pressure on the 'system' that supports me. My being responsible denied my son of a brother or sister. Being an only child didn't do my father any favours. Life was not easy for him supporting his divorced mother as 16. Maybe I should have just said screw it I am having another child.

I will go to my grave regretting that choice but SRS surgery? no not a chance in my case. If I was going to regret anything about my transition, I'd have done it the day I mentioned I was female more than a year ago.

It is unfortunate I might have lost some people in my life over this. But then again, I don't regret forcing people to reveal their true colours either. I would rather know the people I can count on. YOU can live in fear of finding out, I am glad though I know who is a REAL friend. One real proven friend is worth any number of unestablished friends. You can't make my life economically comfortable enough to make living a fake existence a good trade.

I'd gladly die on the street as a woman alone and unwanted if it meant I got to check out as a woman at least.

Well said, well said.

If we only had hindsight. Life is full of choices we must make. Some for the good, some for the bad. The thing is not to just jump in with both feet and hope. Most of the time this will lead to bad choices.

Izzy

The US insurance companies who have insured SRS thru various companies have not regretted it. Of course they regret any coverage they give anybody but that's another subject. What they thought would thousands and thousands of surgeries have not ended up to be that. Not everybody signs on the line for this, so it isn't something EVERYBODY does. And I am obviously many more people are happy with their surgeries, thank you very much, but it isn't transition.

I also disliked the, I don't care if a woman wrote this, but it is mysogynist with all the discussion of her lack of physical beauty, presence of brow ridge, et al. It seems catty and petty, esp lines like she brought this all on herself seeking the limelight.

--Jay

I remember Richards quite well! I transitioned and had SRS in 1974 and was therefore quite aware of her and her first book. At the time she struck me as being a headline seeker. She had a well established life in professional tennis as a man but was hardly doing well. To transition with a high public profile would have been hard enough but to seek (and receive) public attention would have made ti much more difficult ti be fully accepted.  Everyone before her had at least TRIED to maintain some privacy but the few that were outed were outed by the media against their will and they didn't write a book about it or try to cash in on the notoriety. Even back then I was NOT impressed and wished she had just kept a low profile and avoided the media like those before her had done. Christine Jorgensen, for example, handled it all with class and dignity. She did not make a big deal of what she HAD BEEN but used what she was (a woman) in a positive way.

For me in 1974, I had always had trouble passing for a guy and with transition I slipped quietly into my new life in stealth and nobody was the wiser. I had one encounter with the media in 1976 but was able to slip back into anonymity and shake the bloodhounds off my trail. In 40 years I have not one single regret. Life since then has just been normal, the way  it should have been from the start and I never once considered going back - the very idea is absurd!!!

There are risk of failure with any decision you made in life. There are always some risk that I can end up regretting in the future. If that happen, well thats just life, I'll deal with it and go on.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 17, 2013, 06:36:24 AM
This scares the crap out of me.

I'm signed up for surgery this summer. Unlike transitioning, I feel like there IS an option. I could live for the rest of my life with male underparts. I would not be at peace with my body and that would make life less happier than it could be, but certainly nowhere near unbearable.

Is this an awful mistake?

Nothing really to be scared about. As long as you're emotionally and psychologically ready for your surgery, you'll have nothing to worry about. That was the main problem with the aformentioned transsexuals here. They didn't recieve the proper therapy and they just jumped right in and felt that by becoming women and getting the SRS done would completely change them into women 100% and that was it. If they had taken the time to get the other things done then they would have been 100% better. {Just my opinion.}

My ex-gf will have SRS next year.  I don't think she is ready due to two reasons; she's rich and she has what I believe is a psychological personality disorder.  Money is no object to her so she can have as many surgeries as she wants within a reasonable amount of healing time between procedures.  She now wants to have some modifications done facially to, in her terms, 'correct some mistakes and inadequacies created by her first plastic surgeon.  A surgeon who happens to be a renowned surgeon in the Boston area.

My point being, she could use some good therapeutic measures to deal with the feelings of inadequacy before she has SRS.  I fear she will suffer from intolerable body syndrome if she doesn't work on who is, truly find her 'sense of self'.

Quote from: karahayes on December 21, 2013, 06:05:29 PM
My ex-gf will have SRS next year.  I don't think she is ready due to two reasons; she's rich and she has what I believe is a psychological personality disorder.  Money is no object to her so she can have as many surgeries as she wants within a reasonable amount of healing time between procedures.  She now wants to have some modifications done facially to, in her terms, 'correct some mistakes and inadequacies created by her first plastic surgeon.  A surgeon who happens to be a renowned surgeon in the Boston area.

My point being, she could use some good therapeutic measures to deal with the feelings of inadequacy before she has SRS.  I fear she will suffer from intolerable body syndrome if she doesn't work on who is, truly find her 'sense of self'.

Very good points you've made. Psychologically, if you really need SRS to feel 100% like a woman and need to be 100% like a woman than I say go for it. I just met this wonderful 63 year old transsexual and she feels that she's too old to get SRS done, so she's content to live out the rest of her life the way she is, and on the outside, I think she's beautiful! But thoose that have money like Samantha Kane who thought that her life would be better off as a woman only to find that it wasn't so £25,000 on three operations to turn him back into a male but unfortunately two years later he when he was dressed in a suit, he looked neither man nor woman, and vestiges of his beautiful alter ego Samantha remained. Basically what I'm saying is that there is only so much you can do to your body.