I've always been attracted to women, and whilst i have thought about the idea of being with a man since i started HRT, i am still very much interested in a relationship with a woman. Explaining this to other people can be a bit confusing, in that they usually ask why i can't stay as a man in that case? Which would obviously be the ideal.

Since i started HRT I haven't been actively looking for a relationship. I don't feel comfortable with the fact that i don't know how a partner at this moment would see me. Being with a woman as myself as opposed to the male construct i think they want is also very much unexplored territory. My last relationship when i had just started transition, ended because, well, i just couldn't be a boyfriend to her.

My quandry is that on those few occassions when i feel particularly attracted and feel a connection with a new women that i have met, my mind seems to fight to revert back to a somewhat male persona, to impress, to attract. But this always seems to throw me in to a massive spin. So much so that last night at my office christmas party i had to excuse myself very early. As much as i would want to be in a relationship as a woman, i still miss not being with someone, and there is that fear of not knowing how long this could be, how long it would take for me to feel comfortable as myself.

I present male, but i get stares from people. I get the impression that i make some people nervous, uncomfortable. On a recent trip i was getting gendered female from a far and then seeing people's look of shock as i approach closer. Granted i wasn't able to shave due to electrolysis, but still it affects me.

So unfortunantly, and i say unfortunantly because things just sort of blew up, after the office party was the trans group christmas party at a local pub. I basically announced my de-transition in so many words and left again pretty promptly afterwards. I am a woman. And i am in transition, but it's hard for me to accept right now. Anyone else relate?

Quote from: Bardoux on December 18, 2013, 06:07:38 AM
My quandry is that on those few occassions when i feel particularly attracted and feel a connection with a new women that i have met, my mind seems to fight to revert back to a somewhat male persona, to impress, to attract. But this always seems to throw me in to a massive spin.

I can relate to that.  When around women, I sometimes also find myself reverting to my typical male ways of trying to make a connection, and it obviously leads the women to see me as male rather than female.  This, in turn, puts up that gender barrier between us.

The way I see it, it's nothing more than a habit that needs to be unlearned.  While there's probably some underlying genetic disposition for interacting with the opposite sex in the way we do, I think that how men approach and interact with women (and how women expect to be approached and interacted with by men?) is almost entirely something we've learned to do.

And unlearning habits takes time and effort.  You may find that you want to tread really carefully in this arena for a while, making sure that you are not "winging it", making sure that you have a plan and that your words and actions are thought through beforehand (if possible) so you don't end up reverting to your old male ways by default.  And I'd also suggest that you stay away from these situations where alcohol is flowing and where your guard is down - you mentioned Christmas party and the pub, and I know how I get under those conditions.  It's easy to make mistakes.

Take a step back.  Just one step back.  You don't need to stop the entire process and quit.  Pause, take a deep breath, and then focus on your goals once again.  You'll get there in the end!

(Afterthought - all social interactions are a two-way process; your frustration may not even be your fault!  After all, those you interact with are expecting you to act in a certain way, and they themselves are conditioned to act/react in a certain manner.  You mention the example of how some people have a look of shock as they can't get their own heads around whether you're male or female - it's confusing for them too, and even if you're doing everything right, things can still go awry because of the person you're interacting with and not because of anything you're doing wrong.)

Oh yeah, I can very much relate.  I'm transitioning and things are changing, but it's hard for me to adapt and make the social transition.  I'm in that early hrt andro stage at the moment.  While I really really want to start being the real me at all times, I'm just nervous about passing and it stalls me.  Yet, even in boy mode, people stare and know something is up.   It's pretty obvious at this point about what's going on.  I'm not in male fail mode, but I'm starting to feel it would be easier sometimes to just present female. Still, it's just the fear of passing and not being accepted that stops me.  If even one person reads me, I will be heartbroken and feel like I failed.  I can't accept being clocked in girl mode.  Though, I'm probably being way too hard on myself. And I too am at the point where I really want to date but don't know how to start.  It's like do I date a gay or straight guy.  The gay guy won't be into me in a month and the straight guy won't be into me now.  It's just frustrating and confusing.

Have you given yourself a goal timeframe?   My therapist and I have decided that I will go part time by the end of January and fulltime by at least the end of June.  Having this goal in mind, it's been pushing me to work really hard to make the changes that will make me feel more comfortable.  With a tangible goal and deadline, I feel like I can't slack off or avoid preparing myself.  Maybe having a date in mind will inspire you to push ahead and keep making the changes you need?

Sorry, I know the awkward in between stage sucks.  At the very least, take solace in knowing that it won't last forever and things will get better once it's over.

And it all gets down to this transition phase of the journey. Essentially, while transitioning from one gender to the other, we have 2 active personas working within us. This is exasperated if we present one gender for part of the day and present another gender for the rest of the day.

It lessens to a degree once you present full time, in your chosen gender.

It is therefore essential to deal with these two personas to the point, at the end of transition (post surgery) there is effectively only one persona governing your day to day, and further life. The sooner this is achieved the better.

Someone wrote just recently, that for them to be able to move forward in their transition they said; " I can't be the new me, if I won't let the old me go"

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Bardoux on December 18, 2013, 06:07:38 AM
My quandry is that on those few occassions when i feel particularly attracted and feel a connection with a new women that i have met, my mind seems to fight to revert back to a somewhat male persona, to impress, to attract.

Now that I am more out and about as myself I am finding myself in these shoes. I really have no idea of how to socialize with women the way they do with each other, and there are *so* many ways to slip up and fall back into the old ways. I also fear that they just see a guy masquerading as a woman, so it makes it doubly hard to even open my mouth.

What i've been doing is to slow down and consider each thing that I am about to say to see if it's guy banter. I also try to actively listen a lot more these days and not do the guy thing of having an opinion and needing to express it about everything that is discussed. A smile helps a lot, and I follow their lead in the conversation. I also ask questions to keep them talking and not me; people always love to talk about themselves. Sometimes a well timed question can work to start a long conversation with someone that you don't know.

So far these things seem to be working; I keep getting chatted up by women. Its a nice change from being ignored as a dude.

Quote from: Bardoux on December 18, 2013, 06:07:38 AM
I've always been attracted to women, and whilst i have thought about the idea of being with a man since i started HRT, i am still very much interested in a relationship with a woman. Explaining this to other people can be a bit confusing, in that they usually ask why i can't stay as a man in that case? Which would obviously be the ideal.

Since i started HRT I haven't been actively looking for a relationship. I don't feel comfortable with the fact that i don't know how a partner at this moment would see me. Being with a woman as myself as opposed to the male construct i think they want is also very much unexplored territory. My last relationship when i had just started transition, ended because, well, i just couldn't be a boyfriend to her.

My quandry is that on those few occassions when i feel particularly attracted and feel a connection with a new women that i have met, my mind seems to fight to revert back to a somewhat male persona, to impress, to attract. But this always seems to throw me in to a massive spin. So much so that last night at my office christmas party i had to excuse myself very early. As much as i would want to be in a relationship as a woman, i still miss not being with someone, and there is that fear of not knowing how long this could be, how long it would take for me to feel comfortable as myself.

I present male, but i get stares from people. I get the impression that i make some people nervous, uncomfortable. On a recent trip i was getting gendered female from a far and then seeing people's look of shock as i approach closer. Granted i wasn't able to shave due to electrolysis, but still it affects me.

So unfortunantly, and i say unfortunantly because things just sort of blew up, after the office party was the trans group christmas party at a local pub. I basically announced my de-transition in so many words and left again pretty promptly afterwards. I am a woman. And i am in transition, but it's hard for me to accept right now. Anyone else relate?

first off I'd like to say your face looks nice. I'm older and been through the dating scene before I ever thought about transitioning. It might be different for me because I've always been bi. I've dated both for a long time. I'm finding out though that now that I'm in transition girls tend to smile at me more. I also had the experience yesterday of sitting in a coffee shop with my nails painted and my breasts noticeable and some guy started flirting with me. I think if some one wants to get to know you it really won't matter .

Thank you very much to you all for your great comments! They have really helped to put things into perspective. x

Being stuck in that in-between phase sucks, yea. I can sympathize. I feel rather awkward sometimes when I stop and think "I'm in a skirt with a shawl and I have a bit of a beard right now...".

But I hear it gets better.