I completely relate to trying to push it all away.

It just ended up that I had a breakdown and most likely would've tried to kill myself (again) if I didn't say something to someone. In a fit of courage I sent a two sentence email to a therapist, and have been steadily feeling better ever since.

For me it was counselling. I cried like a baby when I was finally able to say "it's ok to me" and this was not something I should be ashamed of. My counsellor was brilliant as I think my denial was too strong for me to have got there on my own. I believe that in my case everything has been onwards and upwards from that moment on.

Actually my moment was acceptance of myself as a woman, not a transsexual. I see the transsexual part as being my past, when I lived as a male. I'm am now all woman, nothing more and nothing less, and the internal conflict has gone!!

i never really had any kind of issue with it in the traditional sense until i got to a point where i realized that a big part of my anxiety issues was the fact that i just dont like my body how it is. once i started opening up to the idea it was a gradual transition from wondering if i legitimately cared to realizing how much happier i would be as a woman. this came about by feminizing my behavior and appearance. mostly movement makeup and cheap jewelry. after that i noticed that i was comfortable with a higher pitched laugh. sitting or laying in ways that are typically considered feminine. it was more about testing the waters to see whether the change felt positive. fortunately ive had very supportive people around me recently who have encouraged it and treated it exactly right. no big deal but not nothing.

now im doing the research as much as i can and im giddy every time i think about post op. im not out mostly. its nerve wracking to post this. but im so excited just to start.

im not a typical case though from what i gather. most trans women seem miserable as men. fortunately my teen years (and my family) brought to me a sense of whatever will be will be. a realism i guess.
i think that if i were denied transition it would really have a serious negative effect on me. its so engrained as a definite now that i really dont want to consider the possibility of living the rest of my life as a man.

anyway. my point is that i tend to accept things as they are when necessary. so it wasnt so much a matter of coming to terms as okay. what now.and now that i know its like seeing a beautiful spring day for the first time.

For me it was actually a relief.

I spent most of my life being bewildered by the way that the world treated me, and being bewildered by the male role that I was expected to play. I could never figure out exactly why I felt that way, but I knew that I didn't like it. Drinking and compensating and all of the other various ways that we try to adjust to living in the wrong gender role ensued.

When I got to 45 I began to figure out that I am trans, and my relief started - I finally had my answer to that life long question.

Most of the anxiety I feel now is not about accepting who i am; rather it is anxiety about fitting into my new role. There is so much to learn and I feel like I'm a very ugly, awkward bull in a china closet at times while I'm trying to learn it.

I came from a really conservative family. They all wanted so many things from me when it came to behavior, beliefs, etc. so it was hard, really hard to come to terms with what I am due to the fact that I knew, no two ways about it, what would happen if I ever moved towards 'transition' (a word I didn't even let myself know.)

I came out three times, and then immediately 'boxed' (repressed) the memories of them, over and over again. I struggled with it in my mannerisms and day to day life. It would pop out and I would do what I could to push it back down.

As every girl like me does at some point, I finally lost the ability to play dumb/deny/whatever and so, *bam* there I was like a newborn babe just shoved into the world. I *completely* lost the ability to lie about it. Overnight. There was no 'transition' for me in that way. I just hid in my room for a couple of months while my brain did its thing and then, I came out and was whole but very raw.

For the first six months to a year, I was so relieved that I didn't really do a lot of introspection and reflection on being trans or whatever. After that though, I started wrestling with how much easier it would have been if I'd have not came out or how the hell I have a female mind here in this body which bends the wrong ways and feels a lot wrong, all of the time (hormones only help so much.)

Over time, I had to simply experience life as myself to come to terms with it. Being myself all the time, no matter what is very validating. I had to experiment and grow as a person (I have a whole rant on delayed maturation of a trans-woman's personality that I could get into but I'll save it). I tried new things, new people, and really felt it out as to whether or not I was being 'genuine' or 'fooling myself'. Day by day, my certainty grew and my doubts went away and, over time, it went away completely.

I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on December 20, 2013, 09:17:18 AM
I came from a really conservative family. They all wanted so many things from me when it came to behavior, beliefs, etc. so it was hard, really hard to come to terms with what I am due to the fact that I knew, no two ways about it, what would happen if I ever moved towards 'transition' (a word I didn't even let myself know.)

I came out three times, and then immediately 'boxed' (repressed) the memories of them, over and over again. I struggled with it in my mannerisms and day to day life. It would pop out and I would do what I could to push it back down.

As every girl like me does at some point, I finally lost the ability to play dumb/deny/whatever and so, *bam* there I was like a newborn babe just shoved into the world. I *completely* lost the ability to lie about it. Overnight. There was no 'transition' for me in that way. I just hid in my room for a couple of months while my brain did its thing and then, I came out and was whole but very raw.

For the first six months to a year, I was so relieved that I didn't really do a lot of introspection and reflection on being trans or whatever. After that though, I started wrestling with how much easier it would have been if I'd have not came out or how the hell I have a female mind here in this body which bends the wrong ways and feels a lot wrong, all of the time (hormones only help so much.)

Over time, I had to simply experience life as myself to come to terms with it. Being myself all the time, no matter what is very validating. I had to experiment and grow as a person (I have a whole rant on delayed maturation of a trans-woman's personality that I could get into but I'll save it). I tried new things, new people, and really felt it out as to whether or not I was being 'genuine' or 'fooling myself'. Day by day, my certainty grew and my doubts went away and, over time, it went away completely.

I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.

Wow.... never fails around here, when I am feeling hopeless, lost and alone, then someone comes along with something I can cling to... Just to be comfortable with myself...  Ive been coming out to friends and coworkers recently, and honestly, this is way way way easier and more comfortable than all those years of hiding, running from myself and others, to afraid to show any of it lest someone react how my parents did.  I think that part of what makes this hard is I want people to be happy and at ease, and lets face it, some people are not at ease with what they construe to be a blatant attack on social hierarchal order.  So I hide to let others have the comfort I am denied...

what, you've got about 50 years to go

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on December 20, 2013, 09:17:18 AM
I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.

You have touched on a cord of my life also.  Great.  And mostly this last paragraph. 
K

I just got tired of fighting it

I don't want to sound like an airhead but I was just like, "Duh? People and lovers have been telling me all along so why make it so difficult on my own self?" I don't want to downplay the dysphoria of the process because I am now at a distance mentally from going back. I've experienced my share of bumps in the road and I am enjoying the smoother ride I am now on. To be honest I get excited seeing all my medical identifiers changed to female. I never knew I would be at this point one day and I am so happy. Accepting your gender is something to look forward to and celebrate! Peace.

I dealt with it by living it :p Thankfully, I wasn't one of the people who ever suppressed my feelings & identity to be accepted. I did what I wanted to & gave the finger to anyone who disagreed.

Quote from: Shawna777 on December 18, 2013, 09:47:22 PM
Hi everyone....

I was just wondering how people dealt with accepting themselves as transgender/sexual

For me I've been trying to deny it my whole life doing everything I could to be more "Masculine" doing guy stuff when it bored the hell out of me, constantly telling myself its just a fetish and feeling guilty about it.

After 24 years I am finally starting to accept myself for who I am.

I guess I am just wondering if other people have dealt with the same situations.

Sorry if my post is to broad first one ever

Yup basically the same... knew as a very young kid (by 6yo), hid it and got married etc... tried masculine things but hated and wasn't very good at them...
Tried to come-out to SO's but couldn't do it many times, buried my feelings each time and tried to not think about my true inner feelings... each time my emotions and drive has gotten more intense... so here I am pondering how I tell my SO's

L Katy

Dealing with my gender?? Well, I am a lady, a grandma, a dyke, a deva, a senorita, a madam, a bitch,  a mother, an aunt, etc.    So I am much more than just a transsexual female.    Others can think what they will, for I can only be who, I am, and I can't change the minds of others.   I am, who I am, and that's all that I am.   What I am not is a male.

Quote from: Shawna777 on December 18, 2013, 09:47:22 PM
For me I've been trying to deny it my whole life doing everything I could to be more "Masculine" doing guy stuff when it bored the hell out of me, constantly telling myself its just a fetish and feeling guilty about it.

After 24 years I am finally starting to accept myself for who I am.

you sound exactly like me 

I've known since a young age what I tried to deny was my being able to live without doing something about.
Mariah

I think that for the first fifty-three years of my life, I was just being a butch female, and some people saw through it and some people didn't.   All I show the world anymore is my female side,  even when some people insist on addressing me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name.   I doubt that I can show my female side for as long as I put up a male front,  it would make me 106,  so if nothing else in the minds of those who still address me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name,  I am redefining what it means to be a male and what a male wears, which includes using women's restrooms because these same people expect me to use the ladies room and not the men's room.   I wonder just how they are justifying their logic in all this, if indeed there is some logic to it.  I am a born and bred daughter of the Dakotas and I have grown up not making a fuss when others are wrong all the time.   This makes it always hard to live with a New Yorker who state their opinions loudly and insist they are right even when they aren't and I live in a southeastern state where some people are polite even when they would like to remove your head from your body and I live in an urban area where many people only see what they want to.

For me, the real hurdle (for almost 30 years) was coming to believe I could do more than just accept my own feelings, but actually act on them. During that time, I couldn't acknowledge the truth seriously because I "knew" that I could never actually face the reality of coming out. A couple months ago, my wife (who has long known I wished to be female, though only recenty understood the sincerity and strength of that wish) mentioned in passing that I could be a girl if I wanted to, and that led to a pretty quick realization that she was right: I really could. Once that hit home, doubts pretty much evaporated and I more or less immediately accepted that I'm a woman.

Both my therapist and father (who I came out to yesterday, woo me!) commented that they were amazed by how comfortable I was when I talked about this and how much more open I am in talking about myself and my feelings. It amazes me too, actually. I can't grasp how I could possibly not have known this just a few months ago.

That is the thing that got me. Many people saw through the act and made remarks until I started my transition and once I started the remarks virtually went away and now completely have. Sometimes they seem to more about what is going on with us then we do ourselves.
Mariah

Quote from: michelle on January 02, 2015, 11:36:48 PM
I think that for the first fifty-three years of my life, I was just being a butch female, and some people saw through it and some people didn't.   All I show the world anymore is my female side,  even when some people insist on addressing me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name.   I doubt that I can show my female side for as long as I put up a male front,  it would make me 106,  so if nothing else in the minds of those who still address me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name,  I am redefining what it means to be a male and what a male wears, which includes using women's restrooms because these same people expect me to use the ladies room and not the men's room.   I wonder just how they are justifying their logic in all this, if indeed there is some logic to it.  I am a born and bred daughter of the Dakotas and I have grown up not making a fuss when others are wrong all the time.   This makes it always hard to live with a New Yorker who state their opinions loudly and insist they are right even when they aren't and I live in a southeastern state where some people are polite even when they would like to remove your head from your body and I live in an urban area where many people only see what they want to.

For me, I was fine with how I was even when I was young. I just didn't have a name for it. While growing up I watched things like 'The Rocky Horror Show' but none of them really applied to what I felt. Eventually I saw younger transsexual people on tv (like Kim Petras) and I connected with how their transgenderness portrayed in their childhoods. I then began seeing a gender psychologist called Karen and when she officially diagnosed me as an M to F transwoman, I felt soo relieved. I actually had a name for what I was. That the reason why I acted so differently from other people was a real thing.

Quote from: evecrook on December 02, 2014, 10:39:37 PM
I just got tired of fighting it

This, pretty much.

It just crept up and one day just sucker punched me like the knock out game.

As far as acceptance goes, I absolutely accept myself as a woman. Others? They're a bit behind, but I'll learn 'em.