I feel the need to post this, so that someday – if things ever seem dark, I'll always be able to reflect back; then continue to move forward. Since I've begun the Odyssey that is transition, I've been forced to deal with the great contradiction in establishing my true identity without completely destroying the identity that so many of my friends know me by. To me it feels like starting from scratch, yet for them it seems to be finally understanding me and seeing me for the second time (1st being my wedding) without any sorrow. The irony is scalpel sharp to me...
Still, I hope this does not come off as bragging. I see the laments of many in our position and all of their pain is vividly real. My own position is not completely enviable; however, I can't help but feel blessed this season – even as I lament the absence of some family this turn of events has precipitated. Here I shall count my blessings as I hope they will be taken as I intend for my future self and others – a reflection that even in the darkest night, there is still the twinkling of starlight to guide our way...
Number 1: My beloved wife has chosen to stay with me and even does not regret her insistence that I seek help for my dysphoria. Even as I have chosen the best path for me to is to change, and despite her sexuality – she has resolved she loves ME... not the man I was, not the woman I will be... she loves me for me and the courage it has taken her to walk this path with me makes me feel like the luckiest transwoman alive. My beloved, I love you with all my heart – thank you for being someone better than I deserve...
Number 2: My friends have been a source of joy and acceptance I never thought could occur. The fact that I have yet to lose any of them, even as I go and seek those of you who I see less often than I should; you all have given me best wishes and encouragement. From the boys at the weekly D & D game that still welcome me at their table (and no longer wonder why I played women characters SO much), to the women who have embraced me into their fellowship and helped me with my first makeup kit, wardrobe, and put up with me when I was at my most self-conscious, thank you! I think I will be a woman we can all be proud of and so much of that is thanks to you all.
Number 3: To my family. Not all of you understand right now... Those of you who do, have kept your door open and offered an ear to listen, a great deal of comfort and wisdom, and trampled down the doors of family that are still... less than accepting. Your boldness and courage in accepting me has kept me feeling welcome in our family and from my biased perspective honors the legacy of those who came before us... Ironically, I kept myself in the closet for so long because I feared disappointing some of you – and now I feel guilty that I was so cowardly in facing my issue... I'm sorry I misjudged the courage in your souls; and I thank you for benefiting from that courage...
Number 4: To the people at the University – the professors and the counselors who have helped me find the path to transition, the people who have given me the sanctuary to express who I am and become the woman I feel myself to be, thank you so much! So much of this is because of the exemplary environment of tolerance in our institution! I feel so proud that in my classes, I didn't stand out as "that ->-bleeped-<- student" but instead as "that lady with a mind-like-a-hammer" No matter what happens, I hope to take your legacy of positivity and channel it into my studies and carry it with me into my future. Semper Porro! Thank you all so much!
There is so much more I'm grateful for, but if I expressed it all, I'd get carpal tunnel. I hope everyone else has a wonderful holiday and that joy overrules everyone's sorrow. Thank you for letting me share with you.
