Possible triggers**

Right so I've been talking to this great woman. She's sweet, caring, beautiful, fully accepting and supportive of me. Everything I've wanted. She makes me laugh, she is always smiling and happy, she keeps me in a good mood. She's amazing.

But her parents...
They're not bad people. They love her, but they're a tad bit over protective. As in, they will want to run a background check on me.

Um, what?

I'm seriously freaked out about this. I just want to be a guy, who cares about their daughter, and wants to treat her right. I don't want them to know about my past, gender wise, at least not yet, if they absolutely have to know. I'd rather them not ever know. I'd rather just be a regular dude. What the hell? I can't prevent this. I don't know what to do. It's making me so anxious and worried. I just want to be  normal. I'm really sorry if I offend anyone, I'm not trying to, that's just how I feel right now. They don't seem like very open minded people, from what she has said, so that doesn't help. I just don't know what to do.

Have you told her how you feel about it? And what kind of background check - one off the internet or more involved?

Quote from: TheLance on December 22, 2013, 03:21:19 AM
Possible triggers**

Right so I've been talking to this great woman. She's sweet, caring, beautiful, fully accepting and supportive of me. Everything I've wanted. She makes me laugh, she is always smiling and happy, she keeps me in a good mood. She's amazing.

But her parents...
They're not bad people. They love her, but they're a tad bit over protective. As in, they will want to run a background check on me.

Um, what?

I'm seriously freaked out about this. I just want to be a guy, who cares about their daughter, and wants to treat her right. I don't want them to know about my past, gender wise, at least not yet, if they absolutely have to know. I'd rather them not ever know. I'd rather just be a regular dude. What the hell? I can't prevent this. I don't know what to do. It's making me so anxious and worried. I just want to be  normal. I'm really sorry if I offend anyone, I'm not trying to, that's just how I feel right now. They don't seem like very open minded people, from what she has said, so that doesn't help. I just don't know what to do.

Wait, you're dating someone and the parents want to run a detailed background check on you?  That's sort of out there.  While most people do look up information online about other people, getting a background check is little invasive and weird.   I'm assuming you mean like official records of your employment record, education status, credit history and any criminal background?  Yeah, that's a little odd.  If they just want to google your name and make sure nothing sinister pops up, then that isn't too much of a big deal (everyone does it). 

I feel sorry for your girlfriend. Her parents seem creepy and invasive.

Just as soon as they share their SS numbers for background checks too.
That level of creepy parent needs a little of their own medicine. That's pretty much my take on people wanting to go by DNA for gender, sure, just as soon as they step up for a mandatory DNA scrutiny.

Her dad was in the military and works as some kind of law enforcement guy. I don't remember details. But they're crazy over protective. She knows how badly that scares me and she feels awful. She's hoping they won't actually do it, as am I. I could understand googleing someone's name just to make sure, but God, looking up all of my past is ridiculous. It's not her fault though, she's not her parents. Although, it would be pretty great to ask for detailed information about their background in return.

Yes, it's very invasive. That's all my business, not theirs. I just don't know how to prevent it.

Also, I'm not dating her yet. We're just talking right now. I'm not ready to be with anyone, so we're learning about one another more than anything.

That is beyond creepy.  They have no right to give you a proverbial anal probe.  You are not a used car, you are a human being with a right to your own privacy.  That being said, if you end up in a long term relationship with her, you will be in a long term relationship with them as well unless she tells them where they can go stick it.  I wouldn't want these toxic people anywhere near my life.

If I was thinking of a relationship & my potential partners parents wanted to do a background check i'd either tell them that it's an invasion of my privacy or run for the hills.
If they think it's acceptable to be this nosey/over protective then it doesn't bode well for the future, if they can't see that this is crossing the line from being concerned to being overly intrusive then what would they be like if you committed to this relationship? Would they be forever poking their nose into your relationship? Where would it end??

Whatever you chose to do I wish you all the best

I'll echo what Missy~rmdlm suggested - if they want to run a background check on you, insist that you run one on them as well.

Quote from: TheLance on December 22, 2013, 01:00:37 PM
Her dad was in the military and works as some kind of law enforcement guy. I don't remember details. But they're crazy over protective. She knows how badly that scares me and she feels awful. She's hoping they won't actually do it, as am I. I could understand googleing someone's name just to make sure, but God, looking up all of my past is ridiculous. It's not her fault though, she's not her parents. Although, it would be pretty great to ask for detailed information about their background in return.

Yes, it's very invasive. That's all my business, not theirs. I just don't know how to prevent it.

Also, I'm not dating her yet. We're just talking right now. I'm not ready to be with anyone, so we're learning about one another more than anything.

Yeah, it's cops running it, he'll probably turn it up. What an awful way to be outed. I can understand their concern. Lot of douchebags out there ruining things for everyone else.

So, this woman you are seeing...  Do you mind if she knows everything about you? 

I'd offer a compromise.  Allow your potential girlfriend to do a background check on you instead of her parents and have her decide, based on what she finds, whether she wants to have a relationship with you. 

If you are serious about having a long term relationship with this woman then sooner or later she is going to have to make a choice between either you or her parents.  After all, this is primarily a relationship between you and her, not you and her parents.

I can understand that they want her to be safe and happy,  but if they aren't willing to allow her to make her own choices then that is a red flag for what the relationship will be like down the road.  And if they insist on being all up in your business, then you have every right to be up in theirs as well.

There's a movie with some good advice on how to deal with this situation...
http://amzn.com/B00003CXO1


Seriously... if they just mean check you out on facebook, then whatever - people don't usually ask before they google you. If they really mean background check   

I do not let other people determine who I want to be with. In this case, I don't care what her parents feel, I know I'm good, she knows I'm good, they really don't get a say so. I mean maybe if we were younger, but adults with jobs, no. An opinion is whatever, I ignore them any way.

I don't care what she knows about me, I haven't done anything in my past that I feel the need to hide. I just don't want to be outed, because yes, that is an awful way to be outed, and I don't appreciate it at all. It's my business. Actually what her mom said was 'he doesn't look good for you'. I pass pretty damn well, but I have a rebellious look about me. Not that I mean to, just comes with my personality. So because of how I look they don't trust me, is basically what I'm hearing. If I weren't trans, I wouldn't care. I'd invite them to do the check just to prove that I'm solid. But I don't want to hear ->-bleeped-<- about how I'm (negative words here).

Typically I don't plan the duration of a relationship. I'm taking my life slow and not diving into things, so I don't know how long this would last, or when it will officially start, though probably not really soon. Either way her parents won't be a deciding factor. I just wish they would just meet me and see how I am with their daughter and that be what they judge me from.

Well, maybe you could talk to them. Tell them who you are, that you're a good guy, don't have too bad a record (providing you don't of course).