hi all,

So ive been absolutely miserable for the last month or so i'll start out with this, I'm fairly certain i may have some mild learning issue... I'm not slow, i'm a very imaginative, artistic kind of person i love to write and act and sing, dance etc, but when it comes to anything remotely "officey" i just cant seem to follow directions or fill out forms and things like that without someone by my side to help me out, i cant do taxes, i cant do math that kind of thing... I'm ->-bleeped-<- at filling out forms plain and simple.

So anyway last month i was told that basically i've failed to graduate from my communications and media course (journalism) because i failed to complete a library coarse component in the very 1st semester 3 years ago. whats especially bad about it though, is that the course i was enrolled in has now completely folded and has been merged with a different course for next year.... and if i want to get my Diploma id have to re-enroll in that course next year instead of the film making course i've been trying to get into for the last 2 years.....
Truthfully all ive ever wanted to do was get into film making, i have NO interest in journalism i hate it, with a burning passion unrivaled by even the suns.... but i did the course because 4 of the teachers told me it linked directly with the screen and media course i wanted to do (it didnt, not at all). I've asked for help and advice from counselors and teachers but i dont understand anything they say to me.... it's all this stuff about units and hourse of work i have to complete i just dont get it at all...
I just feel like such a brain-dead failure all the time lately i cant stomach it anymore, everywhere i look i literally see people fall ass-backwards into work as an extra or camera hand, sound operator etc without having any experience at all, meanwhile i actually do have experience as a camera operator/mic operator/ actor all i need is the experience and know-how for professional editing but cant find the basics for getting the education i want!
i am trying SO hard to just find a decent course or something so i can finally get started and after 3 full years of study I've actually gotten nothing, not even a diploma in the course i didnt want to do....

I just want to cry and scream and break something, and on top of all this ->-bleeped-<- to do with school and my own personal goals, i have to deal with all of my older brothers problems. I literally take care of him. i do all the grocery shopping (without a car mind you, he owns a car and drives but he refuses to do the shopping) so i have to, and then he eats everything i buy for myself, he leaves bags and bags of garbage just piled up on the dining room table filled with rotting food and take-away for rats to get to and spread all over the dining room, he wont do anything i have to do the cooking, the cleaning, the washing, the vacuuming, the dishes,  i'm the one who has to clean up the dog crap when his dog ->-bleeped-<-s all through the house, i mean he's damn near 30years old and he cant even kill a spider for himself..... i've tried to talk to my parents about moving back in with them, they wont have it. early last year i tried asking him nicely to clean up after himself, that ended up in a 3 hour fist fight where i had to call the police because he wouldn't stop trying to bash me.

I think I've reached my end i cant go on like this without my own life and work to look forward to.... it's gotten to the point where i no longer want to be awake, every moment i'm conscious is just another reason to be depressed  I cant even remember the last time i got to go and hang out with friends at a party or something it would have been at least 2 years ago.... but wost of all, the absolute worst is that i cant find work and i have no hope of escaping this ->-bleeped-<- filled house of human garbage until i can find a decent paying job.... as it is i barely afford enough to buy food and pay my rent/bills i cant afford to go out or see people or move or save up to pay for bond on another place..... hopeless sums up everything and i hate it....

anyway thanks for reading i needed a good cry lol

Aubrey

I'm curious, why are you enabling your brother? Quit buying food for him.

hi kat!

i get what you mean about enabling him i dont mean to, its just the fact that i go shopping for myself, and he eats what i buy.... doesn't matter if i only buy 1 tin of soup, bread and toilet paper, he'll eat half the bread while i'm asleep and the soup too if i didn't have it before bed.... i cant exactly padlock the fridge or store groceries in my bedroom lol

but yeah i dont know how to stop the situation from continuing other than to move out....

wallflower, sounds like you are stressed and that might be effecting your ability to show them you can do the job. The trick to getting those kind of jobs is often how one sells oneself and is all about confidence as much as experience, if not more so. How is your self confidence? How can you make it stronger? Standing up to your brother and getting your life back from him sounds like it might be a good start. Things can get better - but sometimes we need to get our lives under control before it really start to bloom. All the best. 

Why not store food in your bedroom? It worked for me.