Aloha Everyone,
First time poster so be nice :-)
I have been feeling very lost in recent months and need advice. My story is a little complicated ( and long winded) but I will try to get it out the best I am able. First, I started on HRT 2 years ago but stopped about 6 months into it because I got back with my boyfriend of 7 years who is a gay male. Well about 6 months after that I started again and have been back on for a little over a year now. Prior to starting hormones 2 years ago I never had any interest in being a female. I have never had an urge to dress or wear makeup and even now don't feel the need. I always identified as a gay male as far back as I can remember. Always a bottom with no desire to top. I never really cared to have SRS except when fantasizing. When I started puberty my sex drive skyrocketed and it progressed into what I believe now was a full blown addiction. It was something that was always out of my control and something I was always ashamed of. Now about 4 or 5 years ago I started looking at personal ads online for guys looking for trans. I loved the type of guys who would post. Mostly straight men who were very masculine. At first it was just a fantasy I would indulge in but it turned into me thinking about being a women to attract these type of men. Keep in mind I was in a relationship the entire time but my overactive sex drive drove me to need it more and more. Well my boyfriend and I moved to Hawaii a few years ago and my feelings (fantasies?) were just getting stronger and stronger to the point it was driving me crazy. I was cheating on my boyfriend quite a bit as I had little control over my sex drive and was always looking for straighter more masculine males (which are hard to find in the gay world). Well one thing led to another and my boyfriend and I broke up for 11 months because of how I was. During the first few months of the break up is when I decided I would pursue hormones. I ordered them without a doctor at first but a month into it my doctor was monitoring me. Now I did have the initial relief I read about all the time, the clarity that comes with HRT. I really embraced being on hormones and started dressing like a girl and experimenting with makeup. I always had doubts in the back of my mind though.Though I did notice that straight guys noticed me a lot more which made me happy! Well about 5 months into hrt my ex came to visit me and I fell for him all over again! I regretted  breaking up and I tried desperately to get him back! The problem? He was gay and I was becoming a women. So 6 months in I stopped taking everything and De-transitioned. We got back together but  after a few months my T must have went through the roof because my sex drive came back with a vengeance and it was like my first male puberty all over again! I eventually started fantasizing about other men again which made me depressed because I do love my boyfriend but its like a demon I can't control. So what did I do? 6 months into our newly rekindled relationship I start hormones again! It was a rocky road for us at first as he identifies as gay and wants men. We eventually got to a good spot with everything but a year into hormones I am not sure this is for me? I am not happy often and my mind goes back and forth about whether or not I am doing the right thing? I am scared of losing my boyfriend even though he promises I wont. I feel that hormones have done a lot of good for me but I don't know if that's only because it tamed the beast that was my out of control sex drive or because I am truly trans? So now that you have the back story I can ask... Is it possible I had an outrageous male sex drive that led me to take hormones? Is it possible that the relief I felt was from being free of a sexual desire that has plagued me since I was little? I love having control over my sex drive... I love having a smooth body... I can even feel very feminine  though I do not present as a girl at all. I am just confused... Does anyone else ever have doubts once on hormones? Could this have all just been a fetish that went to far? Could a non trans person lasted this long on hormones?  Any help please! Also forgive me for how long this was!

Firstly welcome to Susans.

It all sounds very complicated and hormones are not to be messed with lightly as they make dramatic differences as you have seen first hand.
My recommendation would be to seek out a specialist therapist to talk to about this. It could take a while to go through it all.
From one perspective it has done you good but from the other are you taking them for the right reason? Only you will know the answer as there is no clear blueprint on being trans. We are all different.

For me hormones have worked wonders on my mind calming it down significantly.
I still see my therapist a she keeps a good eye on how I am going as I have encountered unexpected feelings that needed to be worked through. She has been very good for me.

Could a non trans person last 12 months on hormones? It would be difficult and cause major issues for them but they could if they were determined.

Jen

I second what Jenny07 said, you really should see a therapist. try to find one who'se dealt with trans people or failing that a LGBT therapist.
As i've said before on here, only you can truly decide what's best for you but a good therapist can help you to uncover the true you.
I can't stress enough how helpful the correct therapist can be when trying to sort through an emotional maze

Arenstar,

Wow, nice introduction. 

I was working with a psychologist who recommended an endocrinologist. I remember the endo offering to start me on spiro and then, perhaps low dose estrogen.  She did this because she has done this for several patients to work on the very problem you have described.  She actually has done this several times.  The patients did it mainly to control sex drive and to be more fem than what they were.  So it is not unknown.


I do not know the long term implications of HRT use in your situation. I believe there could be unanticipated consequences and that dosages need to be monitored if you wish to stay male.  Aren't your breasts budding (painful)?  Skin should be softer as well.  Emotions should be different.   I don't know your dosages and we can't discuss but I am curious about changes.  I would invite you to wonder around here and ask more questions.  However, what you have described is not unknown. I believe conversations with a gender therapist would help.  Take some time now and ask questions, search for answers and learn about yourself.

Unfortunately, my particular issue isn't the same as yours.  The endo was just offering a possible, intermittent solution to my issue.  I wish I could help more.

Hugs,

Jen

I have been on HRT for nearly 7 months.  I take low-dose for both estrace and anti-androgens.  It has had such a calming effect for me although initlally I was very emotional.  My sex drive has definitely been controlled.  Here in the last 2-weeks I've not taken my daily doses and I can't really explain why?  Actually, I did take a dose yesterday perhaps to control the opposite effect of regressing. 

Is this a temporary thing?  I see my therapist in a week.  I hope to garner some answers to see where this road may lead.

Aloha Arenstar,

Welcome to our family of over 9061 brothers and sisters here at Susan's. It's really nice to hear that you're back with your boyfriend. I'm sorry that I can't help you with your HRT problem, but I will soon be starting Spiro myself.

Hi ArenStar 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

You are the only one that can decide if you are trans or not, whether you decide to be non-op, pre-op, post-op cross dresser or something other is up to you as well

Also you are best off to consult with a doctor regarding HRT

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