Where to start? I am not good at this, so sorry if seems choppy or like I ramble.
I am 45 years old, and a single fulltime father to a teenage son. I have from my earliest of memories wanted to be a girl, but being youngest sibling of six, two older sisters, and three older brothers, and having a homo-phobic jock father, I learned to hide my feelings. My brothers are all jocks, I however despised sports, so my father never even gave me the time of day because of. I grew up very close to my mother, which was hard because I so wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship. I don't know though if she knew or suspected? because she always took me with her shopping. So many times I so desperately wanted to tell her how I wish I could be a girl. She always commented how she liked to take me with her because I never complained about taking so long, and she had someone to talk with all day.
I was teased a lot by two of my older brothers, one especially. He always used to call me gay slurs, and sissy, and call me a girl. I always would get upset, but I so wish I could just say, YES, I am a girl!! One aspect he always teased me about was the size of my genitals, which were very small. I remember when I had my 8th grade physical, I was afraid to let doctor check for hernia because of my shame from his teasing. My brother was with me and my mom, as he had a physical too. He kept teasing me rest of the day saying I wouldn't let doctor examine me because I was afraid he would see I was a girl, my mom responded by telling my brother to leave me alone, maybe I was her special girl. I never asked what she meant (looking back I see as clue she knew).
Fast forward a few years, where at this time, I was more afraid, because I didn't like girls the way others did, I liked boys, but I dare not let anyone know, plus to me it felt wrong, because I wanted the boys to like me, but to like me as a girl, which I wasn't. So, I started to try to be like my brothers, rough, and strong, I lifted weights, I learned how to fight, which made my dad happy. But, I still was close to my mom, and continued to go with her, and as I started to drive, she had me drive her. Looking back, I see she knew, but I couldn't see it. We were sitting outside with a friend of hers, and my mom was talking about her cancer surgery, and where they removed the lymph nodes under her arms. She laughed and told her it felt like she had another vagina. Then she turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You haven't gotten yours yet". I was so terrified when she said that. I thought she was just teasing me like my brother always did.
A short time later, after the first gulf strike, I received a draft branch confirmation letter. My mom was afraid they would call up the draft, and she said I couldn't go anyway, she would just tell them I was really a girl and they couldn't take me. At time I thought it was being teased again, because my one brother was there and was laughing at that.
Well, I stayed closeted, and my mother passed away from cancer. My father for first time started to talk to me, begging me to stay in his house so he wasn't alone. I met a few years later my wife. I figured getting married would cure me of wishing I could be a girl, at that time a woman. My father passed just before the wedding. A few years later we had a son, but when he was very young, I revealed myself to my wife. Actually, she figured it out when she asked me if I wished I was a girl? without me telling her, but I did confirm her question. We stayed together for few years despite that, but the marriage dissolved for other reasons. After the divorce I started the transition process, having been to a therapist already. I had a laser session on my face, and a doctor who specializes in transgender patients started me on HRT. My ex, having discovered this threatened to make sure I would never be allowed to see my son again if I continued to change into a woman, so I stopped because I at the time had joint custody., and I loved my son so much.
I tried to live as a gay man then, as I was still attracted to men, but it didn't work for me, because I had to envision myself as female for any type of intimacy. I came out to one sister during that time, and she in turn told everyone. She did however inform me that in my mothers journals, which my mother kept in her last year before her death, she had mentioned how she loved me more than the others, and how she wished I had been a girl, and would one day admit it myself. (Yes, my mom knew, I so wish I came out to her years ago, she might have helped me to transition.)
I tried my best to bury my transsexual feelings, which outwardly would appear that I have, but inside, it has been tearing me apart. Since I stopped the transition process, I have had a few major medical issues, two of which were battles with cancer myself. In-between my two battles with cancer, my son has came to live with me full-time. I told him about my desire to be a woman, but he already knew, as his mom told him years ago. He just asked me to please wait until he graduates high school before I have any surgeries to become a woman. He is fearful of bullying from other students. He said he will have no problem when he is out of high school, as friends then will be older and more mature, and he won't be forced to be in a classroom all day with those who may not be. So I promised him I would wait, I've waited this long already, but I am determined that the summer after he graduates high school, I will undergo SRS so that I can finally, after all of these years live as the woman I so desperately want to be.
