OK, background for those who are just tuning in: I've been living full-time as a woman for the past six months. My wife of 21 years and I just signed a separation agreement because my transition. Although our discourse has occasionally become heated, we have been able to find civil ground most of the time due to our two teenage kids.

Up until yesterday, I've resolved to try to live with whatever nastiness there is (but speaking up when it happens) because it makes it a lot easier for our son and daughter.


Yesterday I was over at their place watching a football game with my son. We talked about maybe going out to a restaurant, but my wife assured me that it was OK if I came over. It certainly was a lot easier and more comfortable that way.

At halftime, she asked if we could switch the contract for my cell phone over to my credit card so she's not paying for it anymore. That needs to be done with us both present, so it was a good time to do it.

She tells the operator what she needs and then says "my ex-husband is right here. Here he is." As I took the phone I requested that in the future she gender me female and avoid referring to me as her ex-husband unless she had to.

When I got off the phone she lit into me. Asking her to gender me female was "controlling her speech" which she would not tolerate. I told her that I considered gendering me incorrectly disrespectful and I expected respect from her. She accused me of "abusing her just like I'd done the entire marriage" and that since she wasn't married to me anymore, she no longer had to put up with being abused." I once more asked that she treat me with respect. I asked her how she would feel if someone called her a man. She cursed loudly at me (in front of our two children and my son's friend), told me she was going into the basement and that the discussion was over.

I really don't think I said or did anything that would be considered remotely abusive. I was assertive, and became emotional when she rebuffed my requests, but I don't think that constitutes abuse. Of course my opinion doesn't matter. She thinks I'm abusing her, and nothing and no one will convince her otherwise.

I know it's important for us to keep lines of communication open and to tolerate each other's presence for the sake of our children.

But I don't think I can, or should, tolerate deliberately being misgendered. From anyone, any time. And certainly not in front of our children. Of course I can't stop her, and she seems like she has no intention of stopping on her own.

The only solution I can see is to stay away from her.

That's really complicated. It means that when my family gets together and she's there, I have to stay away. It creates the very type of dilemmas I hate, where people have to decide which one of us to invite.

But my heart tells me that I can't put up with being deliberately misgendered. I need to remove myself from the presence of anyone who thinks that's OK.

I will be by her house to pick up my daughter on Wednesday. At that time, I intend to try to ask her whether she has any further thoughts about Sunday's incident. If the answer is no, or if she makes it impossible even to ask, my next step will be to send her a note, explaining why her behavior, and her insistence that it is OK to misgender me, means that I cannot be in her presence. In such a note, I intend to spell out how this would complicate things.

If no change comes about, I will have to avoid her.

I don't want to do that. Oh how I don't want to do that. I'd love this whole think to play out just about any other way. But I feel like I'm really being driven to this.

Any thoughts?

Your wife seems to have unresolved issues over your transition.  If time doesn't heal her, she might need to speak with a professional eventually (or for longer if she isn't already).   That being said, getting a major slap in the face in front of the kids and then trying to play the victim was highly uncalled for.

Hugs,
Jill

I would have waited until after the phone call and then maybe asked her to use correct pronouns as it makes her look the fool and you don't want that. I get the feeling she needs to feel like she is being thought of first, and I also think it is understandable even though I don't agree with it.

It's a tough one. You are separated and moving toward divorce, and sound like you are in that awkward middle stage where you are redefining the relationship. However, the gorilla in the room is that you are divorcing due to the transition, which (from other posts of yours that I have read) sounds like she never supported. It also sounds like, again from your other posts, that she has regularly stated you were trying to control her.

I am not aware of too many people who have remained friends after divorce - e.g. would you still go over once she gets a new boyfriend? or you a girlfriend? - and I think given the history, and her lack of support you should start making physical arrangements for visiting that don't include her at all. It is a more successful solution longer term, and avoids the emotional upheaval for you and the kids. I am sure they don't want to observe your discussions with her about proper gendering, or her rant about control. As tough as it is, it is over and you may want to just think about starting now with the new arrangements that do not include her.

Just my 2 cents...