Susan's forum has allowed me to explore gender issues in a non-threatening environment. It has allowed me to face issues that so threaten my identity that I can not share them with my wife, family, friends, doctors and even me. That is correct even me.
We come here and share our pains and successes. It can be a very lonely condition. If you do nothing you can suffer alone in your mind. If you do something drastic you can end up alone in your life or even worse.
We share pages of our life that may have been closed in our minds for decades. It can be a way to start healing our wounds, or if you choose, it can be a way for you to justify less noble endeavors.
To make matters more complicated gender issues tend to have some familiar companions. Many live with depression, anxiety, insomnia, ADD, manic issues, bipolar, paranoia, mood swings, personality disorders, RLS and other things. Some drink alcohol and/or do drugs. (By the way I do not do drugs.) If someone has cancer you console them. If someone has gender issues you isolate them.
The longer you stay on the forum the more you will learn that each issue has many answers. The interesting thing is that the correct answer for one person might be the incorrect answer for another person. I am sure that with any single post I gave someone the "correct" answer and inadvertently gave someone the "wrong" answer. The beauty of the whole process is that we are thinking. Instead of running we are confronting an issue. By the way I do change my opinions.
Sometimes the simple conclusions have been profound to me. I have concluded that if we average the attributes of the people on this forum, we have the average attributes of the general population. I find myself saying maybe I am this because I have this attribute but I can not be that because I lack another attribute. Hey you are lucky if you have an attribute associated with your targeted gender. However that is the extent of the correlation. Some are tall. Some are short. Some are hairy apes and some are naked dogs. (Do you want mustard with that naked dog?)
Sometimes we even get to laugh or have fun on this forum. It sure is nice to laugh. It is part of the healing process if you can laugh at yourself.
I have found the secret of what you need to do. You need to do what is right for you. That is the absolute beauty of this forum. The decision is your decision.
We are unique. I tend to be too sensitive and I cried at my wedding but I also am stubborn. I can cook a meal or fix the car. I got paid to make good decisions. However, when it comes to gender issues, I have absolutely no common sense.
I thank Susan, her staff and the many fine people that help each other. It is nice to know you are not alone with this stuff. I know I am not male in my mind and I know I am happier with the progress on this single issue. (I hate admitting that.) However I am not happy at giving up everything else. I am not sure what path I will follow. I keep saying that I will stop but at the same time I keep feeding more things to "the stuff". (It's not the right stuff either.)
A few days ago as I lay in bed dealing with insomnia, the Lord shared a vision with me. The Lord came to me and gave me a choice. The Lord said you keep asking me to wave a wand and allow you to start life again. The Lord said I have the power to make you a nice xx that people will befriend but your memory will be erased. I assure you your wife will find someone, be much happier and live in splendor. Granting this wish will not upset the balance of nature and you also will be much happier. However before I grant you that wish you are allowed one question. I then asked the Lord what would be of my children? The Lord told me they would not exist. I told the Lord then you were right to spare me decades ago when I begged you to take me home and let me be here today. I then asked the Lord what should I do today? And the Lord told me that was my decision alone just as it always has been.
Four year ago I went on the internet and asked a MTF what were her thoughts regarding transition. She said avoid transition if you can because it is extremely painful. I interpreted that to mean I have never been able to tolerate the pain of all the mega doses of e I took in prior failures. I reasoned if I can tolerate more pain then I would be successful. I then added a host of anti-T and anti-T2 things. After an extremely long period of being tired I started feeling better.
I finally got to eat from the tree of life. Things were finally clear. And then the message from the MTF registered. She was not talking about physical pain. She was talking about mental pain.
Somewhere I knew all along. But now I understand pain. Now I understand what it means to be willing to give up everything. I will try to make the best decision given all the facts.
I love you all. Please share things that opened your eyes on this forum.
W.