I suppose the only real truth with being transgender, is remaining married is almost a pointless dream. And I unfortunately bring more than just being TG to the table. Disabled is no picnic.
27 years, but Mary and I are separating. No expectation of divorce that I know of and we are still friends, still concerned for each others health and welfare still open to hugs, back rubs, helping out with tasks like stuff in the home the other might be not as good at, for instance I rock at cleaning, but taking the laundry back and force and up and down stairs is a big challenge for me.
Our intimate lives have stopped, but then, when you consider, my goal is to not only turn off the tap, but have the tap removed. With luck, I'd be easier to introduce as her girlfriend, and let people just wonder where our son came from on the own time.
We are getting separate places, same landlord (you don't ditch a good landlord in a small town with an ordinarily crummy rental market). Son will stay with her, but he's 19, he likely could move out in a moment if work happens for him). We both have work to do on ourselves. We each have our own specific areas. It's not like there is no future of a return, but as I told her, I wasn't going to be desperately clinging to silly hopes of anything happening any time soon. It will likely take both of us some time to sort out our situation.
We desire to be friends, to go out to lunch together, do most of the things we still like to do together. But at the end of the day I am in my place she is in hers. I am welcome in hers and I told her she need not knock visiting me. The door is never closed for her. But I suppose we need the door for now.
What does this mean to Susan's place and me?
Well I am still seeking all the things we are all seeking here, but, I will be substantially preoccupied with just keeping up my will to live. Surviving alone, doing no harm to myself in the process. And yes, the day I heard, I ended up being placed in the lock down ward of my home's mental health ward to determine if I was indeed a danger to myself. My son was worried, I was not given the choice of going, I was PUT there. A hell I never wish to see again ever again. You do NOT want to be conscious and aware and inside of a lock down in a mental ward with a bed 4 walls and no sound or people to interact with.
That I am hear is of course evidence I was released. 24 hours, it might have been days weeks more if the doctor has said so. I don't even want to try and imagine 48 hours.
I will be rebuilding so much of my life, I will be moving, and no internet service set up and the chaos of moving. I will be lucky if I even notice 2014. No my new years day is not going to be a happy one. I slept through nye 2013. Didn't wish to see it.
This is likely not 'goodbye', but, I am probably going to be lucky to post to my Facebook a few comments in a day.
I don't expect to be a fountain of cheer. I don't expect to care about much outside of staying alive.
I wish anyone here on site success in 2014. I will likely miss anything going on here though.
I won't ask for prayers (don't believe in it anyway) I won't ask for luck (I think I will need something more than mere luck). I just hope I am here in 2015.
