Quote from: Antonia J on January 01, 2014, 04:04:07 PM
That's kind of what I am working through. I feel good physically with the changes HRT have brought, but I am entering that middle stage where changes are making things difficult. And I think it would be easier not to deal with them right now, but I can't go back to before...so wondering if there is some non-medical transition that helps me out to express myself while I deal with the other baggage. Your reference to medical transition actually was a good focus point for me, as I had not quite thought of it in those terms - thank you - but it is a very relevant distinction. I can be trans, and not medically transition. My focus has been all on the one path to this point.

I had one of those spells about 2 1/2 weeks ago that lasted four days and resulted in me making a crisis call to my therapist. We spoke on the phone for 45 minutes while she talked me of a ledge. I recognize the signs, and haven't tried anything, but the thoughts come back to me every so often...more frequently recently than I like to admit.

Thanks Donna - you are a dear. I think you are right in your observations, and I have arrived at a similar conclusion. Going back to our PMs from earlier in the week, I need to be sure before I get too far down my gender alignment path that I don't put other aspects of my life at risk. Right now, there is an imbalance I need to address. 

When you stopped your HRT, did you go off cold, or did you step down under the guidance of a physician? For what it is worth, unless my therapist can help me understand why I should continue my transition, I plan to call my endo on Friday. Just curious of your process with stopping HRT.

Thank you, LtL. You know, the fear I have is that I cannot go forward until I get my head in a better place, but going back is impossible now that I have taken a bite from Eden's proverbial apple. I feel like I am in some Shakespearean comedy. I see so many people on here who struggle, but push on through their challenges, and I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me that I am so anchored to the past? 

Agreed - no rash steps. Also...can I just add that your transition has been amazing?

Intellectually I know that, but my heart is wavering. I have been doing everything I can to conquer the depression and make it go away. Yet, it still lingers, and that is what sucks. I have been dealing with this since March, and I am tired of being sad and crying all of the time...or worse, not being able to focus or enjoy really good things going on in my life. I just want the pain to end. You get tired of feeling sad and lonely.

I haven't given up, yet, but I am getting worn down :/

I appreciate your thoughts, and also have been following your progress. You have been inspiring as I know you are dealing with some difficult issues at work and with your spouse. I appreciate the sharing, as it helps me understand that others are working through tough issues and going on.

Thanks Grace. First,^ you don't look old enough to have been on HRT 22 yrs ago, unless you started when you were 8 yrs old  ^  The rest of your message really resonates with me.  The spiraling depression with no bottom, "never going to work out so why bother", and filling the void with distractions...it's like you read my mind. I am very cognizant that my feelings are similar to the occasional purges of clothes or trans-related information many of us do before coming to terms with ourselves, but I am afraid that I am not suited to dealing with the changes that are starting to happen (as much as I feel good about them) and subsequent social consequences.  What changed for you that made it right the second go around?

Thanks again for the support and feedback. Everyone should know you have helped me organize thoughts for my therapist session tomorrow. Thanks for pulling me back from the ledge.

Toni

She looks more like she started at 4

Quote from: Antonia J on January 01, 2014, 04:04:07 PM

Thanks Donna - you are a dear. I think you are right in your observations, and I have arrived at a similar conclusion. Going back to our PMs from earlier in the week, I need to be sure before I get too far down my gender alignment path that I don't put other aspects of my life at risk. Right now, there is an imbalance I need to address. 

When you stopped your HRT, did you go off cold, or did you step down under the guidance of a physician? For what it is worth, unless my therapist can help me understand why I should continue my transition, I plan to call my endo on Friday. Just curious of your process with stopping HRT.

Toni

Hi Toni.
Very glad to see that you have perked up a bit since your first post and to know that you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow. Otherwise, answering your question above, the period between  2008 and 2010 that I mentioned above was all DIY. However the regimen I was on was basically the same as today except for one product, Provera, which I stopped as it seemed to be having a depressive effect on me. Anyway I went off cold and honestly can't remember having experienced any negative effects other than enough regrets to finally go for it completely from Sept 2010 onwards.
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find happiness.  Transitioning is tough and it's not always what we need at the moment.  Even when it is the right path, it isn't always easy to go through.  No matter how you wish to proceed with the other issues that are getting you down, I hope it leads to happiness.  And please know that we are all here for you no matter what.  I know how lonely this path can feel, so you should know you have a family here for good and for bad.  Please pm me if you ever need someone to talk to.  Good luck with everything. 

Quote from: Antonia J on January 01, 2014, 04:04:07 PM
Thanks Grace. First, you don't look old enough to have been on HRT 22 yrs ago, unless you started when you were 8 yrs old    The rest of your message really resonates with me.  The spiraling depression with no bottom, "never going to work out so why bother", and filling the void with distractions...it's like you read my mind. I am very cognizant that my feelings are similar to the occasional purges of clothes or trans-related information many of us do before coming to terms with ourselves, but I am afraid that I am not suited to dealing with the changes that are starting to happen (as much as I feel good about them) and subsequent social consequences.  What changed for you that made it right the second go around?

You're too kind, although, believe it or not, I will be 48 in March... 

Quite a few things have changed. Dealing with my depression for starters. Yes, I still get down from time to time, and I am currently on a mild anti-depressant, but I don't let it control me any more. I'm able to know when things don't feel great and not beat myself up or blame myself (or anyone else) for it which stops it from spiralling out of control. I guess you could say that rather trying to lock down or deny my darker emotions I feel a lot more aware of and in control of them... but I only got to that point with a lot of psychotherapy and self examination. Could I have done that and gone ahead with transition at the same time? Hard to know, but having transition out of the picture helped smooth the waters I guess.

Also, I've (mostly) dealt with my many and varied underlying anxieties, gained an understanding of life that works for me, learned to love myself as a person not a gender, gained more confidence in dealing with complicated situations and people, have more money to allow me to deal with transition, have a job I feel I can safely transition at... but, most important of all, I have the proper supports in place - a good shrink, great gender councillor, supportive doctor, wonderful endo and, of course, Susan's.

I should add, giving up on transition brought up its own host of problems (not just HRT side effects) - mainly feeling I'd let others down, shame and guilt and feeling like a failure. None of that was true but it did weigh on me for a few years.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. PM me if you need to. 

Hugs
Grace

Quote from: Antonia J on January 01, 2014, 04:04:07 PM
Agreed - no rash steps.

.  Keep us posted on what you end up doing.  I'm sure everybody will be here to support you regardless of what you choose

Quote!
Also...can I just add that your transition has been amazing?

You may!  Thank you .  It's been a fun trip, and I'm really happy with where I am at right now.

i stopped taking my hrt at around 9 months, and it was because i was so depressed, but as soon as the testosterone hit me all the GID problems came back, the thing i found out when i started again was that i changed my antiandrogen from cyproterone to spironolactone, and what a difference it has made, i guess some medications have bad side effects that bring out depression and it can feel like and impossible situation

i think you should maybe talk to your endo and see if you can try a different type of medication because it could be as simple as that

Quote from: kiaraja on January 01, 2014, 07:14:27 PM
i think you should maybe talk to your endo and see if you can try a different type of medication because it could be as simple as that

This is a very good point. I should add that I'm on a totally different HRT regimen this time too - different meds, different dosage and different delivery method. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my better frame of mind since restarting HRT.

UPDATE: I met with my therapist this evening, and after an hour of discussion, she expressed concern that I am exhibiting significant suicidal ideation, and encouraged me to check into the local psychiatric hospital immediately. Yeah. As I have nobody to care for me, or my home, and am concerned about my financial position, I just can't see myself doing that. I promised her I would not do anything over the weekend, and I won't. I feel bad, and may check in at some point if it gets much worse, but I have a clear mind (really) and can manage in the short term.  I just don't have a good option that I am comfortable with to go that route, and don't feel a big need at this precise moment.

She also said that I need to strongly consider an antidepressant. I am going to move forward with that as much as I hate the idea of taking another drug, especially one that messes with my brain chemistry (*laughs at irony of statement*), but I have nothing to lose and am okay with it on a trial basis. I am going to call my endo tomorrow morning, explain what is going on, and discuss hormones and antidepressants. However, I plan to stay on HRT at this time, if he doesn't see an issue.

So...the goal over the next two months is to keep where I am at with my medical transition, and not mess that up by stopping hormones - nothing is going to substantially happen over the next 60 days that has not already happened. In the meantime, I am going to focus intensely on stabilizing my emotions so I don't spiral further, and then work to overcome the grief and hopelessness I feel from my personal loss.  At the end of 60 days, if I am still in a funk, I will re-examine my medical transition.

One day at a time.

So that is where I am at - not out of the woods, but taking steps to conquer the depression, and realizing it is not going to get better without me owning the problem. Not fun, not looking forward to it, but confident I am going to at least make it for awhile.

Thanks for helping me out, everybody. This is a rough patch for me, and I needed the support.

Good luck!  The one day at a time approach is definitely a good way to handle it, and I'm happy to hear you can manage (at least in the short term) 

I'm glad to hear the waters are calming for you. When my doc recommended an anti-depressant last February I was resistant to the idea, but it did help, surprisingly. It's only a low dose but enough to clear the fog and didn't screw with my overall cognitive processes (something I was really worried about).

One step at a time. That's all you can do.

Toni-

My wife had to take an anti-depressant and she really didn't like to have to do it; it felt like a personal failure to her. When she discussed it with her doctor he said that her brain simply needs a chemical that her body can't make, and that there was no shame in taking it. I kind of like that analogy. I definitely think that you have given it the old college try without the anti depressants and now it's time to try them.

It's a little late for this suggestion now but when you were talking earlier about stopping HRT I was thinking that if you get anything from HRT maybe going on a low dose of it for awhile would maintain the mental changes while slowing down the physical changes. Maybe that's an idea that you can keep in your back pocket if you ever need it. I am also seeing rapid physical changes in myself and honestly sometimes I'm not sure that I'm ready for whats coming.

Take care and call me if you need someone to talk to. Please don't take any drastic actions. Like Ms Grace said - just take it one day at a time.

~Eva

and don't forget that christmas is a very difficult time of year for a lot of people, especially when your alone, i have family and friends visiting with me all 3 weeks i took off for the holidays and i still broke down, i don't know how i could do it without their support

UPDATE: So the last 24 hours have been exciting. And by exciting I mean sucked beyond belief. I got a prescription for an antidepressant (celexa) and took it at 1 pm. By 2 pm I was feeling very nauseous. By 3 pm my chest got tight, arms were cold and tingling, and felt like I was dizzy and drunklike. Within a half hour later I could no longer form a coherent thought or complete sentence and would have killed myself if I had a gun (yes, I am the only American without one). I phoned a friend who is aware of what is going on and she ran me to the ER. Several sedatives and anti anxiety medicine later, I no longer feel on death's door. This morning, 18 hours later, I am still jittery though not nearly as bad. I have a headache and feel hungover. In summary, my body had a very bad reaction to the drug so I am not to take it any longer.

This was the first antidepressant I have ever taken in my life and I have to say that right now I never plan to take another. I work in a high profile job and have no other means of support. I cannot afford to go to pieces while trying to sort out drugs. Thanks for the trip to Disney World, but been there once and don't need to go back.

OMG!! Thank heavens that you are OK Toni!!!!!

Antonia, I am so glad you ore ok, hugs.

There is a natural product that may help, vitamin D. I take a very high dose 5 times a week. You may want to check with you endo to check if it would be ok to use.

You are going about the issues in a methodical way and with help. I hope you get belief; you have been through so much.

Wow..me too..so glad you're okay. This is the reason I just read and read. I often feel reluctant to dispense medication advice or urge much to others here. What's good for me is not necessarily good for the lot. Plus, I simply don't know anything.

I can urge this: Please, please, stick close and we'll help any way we can. You still have us. Indeed, we're all navigating the same river..though we might paddle different boats. The currents are strong and the water is cold. Hang on to the tiller. We're very happy you're still paddling with us, regardless of the direction your boat may be pointed at any given time.

keep on livinit!

UPDATE: I am going to be offline for awhile. I am voluntarily checking myself in for intensive inpatient therapy tomorrow morning. I'll be gone at least for a week, but maybe longer. Goal is to get my head straight and get back on track with being able to enjoy life. Thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate it. Wish me luck!

Best,
Toni

Glad to hear you're OK, Toni - get well soon.

Quote from: Antonia J on January 04, 2014, 06:45:56 PM
UPDATE: I am going to be offline for awhile. I am voluntarily checking myself in for intensive inpatient therapy tomorrow morning. I'll be gone at least for a week, but maybe longer. Goal is to get my head straight and get back on track with being able to enjoy life. Thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate it. Wish me luck!

Best,
Toni

good luck

Get well soon. If they're like the place I went, don't eat when bored. Place had food every where.