All I can say is pace yourself, inhale and exhale.

All you can do is what you can do for where you are at the moment. Have faith that things will work out and that this isn't something that'll be over in a blink. Nothing worth having is ever easy to obtain.

*Let the HRT do it's thing and don't stress about any changes that haven't come yet. Just enjoy the journey. Some changes may never come but that doesn't take away from who you are.

*Stop worrying about passing. Some girls never pass so if you pass a bit that's better than nothing. The important thing is that you continue to live your life and keep moving forward the best way you can.

*If you don't already feel like a girl you never will. All the surge in the world can't/won't get you that feeling.

Ltl I know it's difficult I've been there but if you want to be recognized as a woman your going to have to put yourself out there more. This waiting around for hormones to make you a total woman without some risk is not going to work. What are you doing when your presenting as a male do you still carry yourself like a male ?(walk,stance,attitude) If so stop it now!
Being a woman is more than just what clothes you wear or how you look it's how you talk, walk, and the attitude you show the world. The best advice I can give that I should have listened to earlier is to stop caring about how other people see you. Just be your true self and if somebody doesn't like it. It's they're problem not yours.
Oh and try to find a local support group having friends in RL who know what your going through is important and it might give you the support system you seek.
I know how tough it is being stuck in the middle but it doesn't have to be that bad if you approach it with a positive attitude. Believe it or not you will get through this before you know it just try to keep you eyes on your dreams and they will become reality. 🙂

LTL,
Since we joined up here about the same time I have seen many of your posts and you have probably also seen quite a few of mine. You were just starting your transition and had not come out to your mother a subject of much anxiety for you duing your first few months on the forum. Since then, you have come out to your mother and even if things did not work out as you hoped, neither have you been rejected, thrown out etc. You have also started your HRT and on based on your own account, it is coming along very well.

For a period of 9 months, that's actually quite a good story and if you follow the advice you are getting here about constantly adding a little more to the mix, by the time you hit your first anniversary on Susan's in April, you should at least be part time.

From my posts and my photos you probably have a a good feel for where I am in my transition process, excrutiatingly close to finally turning the page but still not quite there. For now, at work I still have to pretend I'm a guy.

How do I cope with that? I dress androgynous feminine ie. exclusively women's clothes but not "in your face feminine", a woman's watch, I have long hair worn in a ponytail at work , no facial hair, I wear very light make-up, and I continue working on my voice.... The result of all of this is that I am perceived as a very feminine guy at work (but still a guy because nobody here spontaneously thinks of someone being TG, transitioning etc..) and am basically perceived as a woman by pretty well everyone who doesn't actually know me. This means I am regularly called "Madame" in restaurants, hôtels, on planes etc..in front of colleagues and since they are very discreet and don't ask questions, unless I say something (I have with a few people), they just have to live with it.

OK, this is in reality getting more and more difficult to live with but living with it is a lot better than any alternative I can come up with eg. losing my job and finding myself destitute. I also know that when (not if) my Civil Identity Change finally comes through sometime in March or April, I will be able to put an end to all of this....after a transition which started in 2008! 

The big point I am trying to make here is that while this is a frustrating situation, I have not put my life on hold while waiting for everything to be perfect. On the contrary, I continue my life day after day, mostly focused on my work as it happens, but also constantly reinforcing my female identity in every little way possible.

I think we are all telling you that you have most to gain by following a similar approach bearing in mind that so far you have come a very long way in quite a short time. In your case, wanting to go faster would probably mean making choices that you don't seem to be ready to make and that is perfectly legitimate. You just have to accept that these are your choices and that they bring conséquences that you also have to live with.

You''re already well on the road and you'll do fine if you just learn to relax and move with the flow. You just want to be sure that the general direction of the flow is towards where you want to go.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna

     

Thanks everyone.  I'm just going through a tough time and to be honest have had strong suicidal feelings as of late.  I won't do anything and I'll keep fighting but it's really hard to keep taking all of this dysphoria while dealing with lifes drama.  So as much as I feel like going to sleep and never waking up again, I'll be sure to keep waking up.

I don't carry myself as anything other than me.  Most just see me as a silly gay guy.  I can't help how people take me.  In terms of my body language and things like that, I really don't think I'm masculne.  Because I'm in hiding and living in boy mode, I feel very afraid to be myself and act feminine, but at the same time I feel like I come across that way even when I'm afraid to let loose.  It's hard to explain.  I'll simply say that people just take me as a fem gay guy and some are on to my transition based on my looks and behavior.  REcenty though, I've been more open with my presentation. And I'm confident everythign will work out in time and my hormones will help more, but it's just so debilitating waiting.  I just want to get there faster.  The other day, I shared a recent "selfie" with some friends to see where my progress is and get some tips.  One of my friends never responded and another one offered to help with some things like brows and makeup.  However, I can tell I'm just annoying everyone in my life with this stuff based on how people reply, so I've given up on coming to others for help.  And my family is so dead set against everything that I can't come to them for anything.  My whole life they've controlled me emotionally and coming to them for help or emotional support would be like a cow seeking comfort from a butcher.  They'll simply kick me when I'm down, just like they did again this morning when I tried.  And my therapist can only help so much.  The other day, because I was complaining about my brows andthings, she suggested I go get a makeoverto feel better.  The place she suggested was for drag quuens.  I'm sorry, nothing against the drag community, but thats not me.  I'm really not interested in lookinglike Rupaul.  So, I feel like there is no one I can go to for help or assistance with this stuff and emotionally I'm totally alone.  Its just hard.  REally hard.  And my mother had to say something nasty about my itutation again when I didn't need it as I spent all of last night crying.  I don't know anymore.  I'm not going to giv up or hurt myself, but it's just annoying.  I feel like I'm never going to get where I want to be and that I'll be stuck at this horrible point forever.  I'm not strong enough for this, but I'm not going to give up on my dreams because there is nothing for me otherswise.  I just have to cope with te depression and drama and find a way through it.

Ltl you are strong enough to make it through this your just having a rough time. As far as support goes it sounds like you need a better group of friends if they can't even be bothered to respond to your request for help. As for the brows just go to a hair salon and get them waxed or threaded it's no big deal really.
As for your family if they still have you in their life by this point they'll stick around. Sure they may not be super supportive but they'll come around if you show them this transition is a positive change for you.
But I do think you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone you would be amazed what you can get away with even while dressed as a guy. Trust me the sooner you put yourself out there the better off you will be because you can't hide on days when you feel you look like a male when your full time and you just have to tough it out.

Wish I could offer more encouragement, but you said it really really well, 'I'm not strong enough for this, but I'm not going to give up on my dreams because there is nothing for me otherswise.'.  You have come far, dont forget that.  None of us are strong enough for this (at least I certainly am not), but you have become much stronger than you where, and will be stronger still in the future.

Quote from: Heather on January 04, 2014, 09:05:40 AM
Ltl you are strong enough to make it through this your just having a rough time. As far as support goes it sounds like you need a better group of friends if they can't even be bothered to respond to your request for help. As for the brows just go to a hair salon and get them waxed or threaded it's no big deal really.
As for your family if they still have you in their life by this point they'll stick around. Sure they may not be super supportive but they'll come around if you show them this transition is a positive change for you.
But I do think you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone you would be amazed what you can get away with even while dressed as a guy. Trust me the sooner you put yourself out there the better off you will be because you can't hide on days when you feel you look like a male when your full time and you just have to tough it out.

The thing is no one really likes me as a person or wants me around.  That goes for family and friends too.  And it's easy to blame other people, but I'm the common denominator here.  It's me that's the problem, not other people.  At the end of the day, I'm just annoying and not likeable.   

I'd go to a saloon but I'm still to embarrassed.  I don't know.  At some point, I'd like to change up my hair a bit and get bangs (either side swept or feathered bangs).  I'll probably do my brows as well when I get the courageto do that.  I'd do the brows now, but I keep messing up and there's no one I can ask for help because everyone just blows me off or is unapproachable.  And I know I'll have to tough it out at some point, but I don't want to do things prematurely.  I'm just an emotional mess over everything and need to sort things out.   Life is a mess at the moment.  I just don't know what to do.

Quote from: ashrock on January 04, 2014, 09:07:49 AM
Wish I could offer more encouragement, but you said it really really well, 'I'm not strong enough for this, but I'm not going to give up on my dreams because there is nothing for me otherswise.'.  You have come far, dont forget that.  None of us are strong enough for this (at least I certainly am not), but you have become much stronger than you where, and will be stronger still in the future.

Thanks.  I hope you're right about the future, but I don't know.

Quote from: learningtolive on January 04, 2014, 10:35:04 AM
The thing is no one really likes me as a person or wants me around.  That goes for family and friends too.  And it's easy to blame other people, but I'm the common denominator here.  It's me that's the problem, not other people.  At the end of the day, I'm just annoying and not likeable.   

I'd go to a saloon but I'm still to embarrassed.  I don't know.  At some point, I'd like to change up my hair a bit and get bangs (either side swept or feathered bangs).  I'll probably do my brows as well when I get the courageto do that.  I'd do the brows now, but I keep messing up and there's no one I can ask for help because everyone just blows me off or is unapproachable.  And I know I'll have to tough it out at some point, but I don't want to do things prematurely.  I'm just an emotional mess over everything and need to sort things out.   Life is a mess at the moment.  I just don't know what to do.

Thanks.  I hope you're right about the future, but I don't know.

I don't know ,but I seem to have a completely different reaction to E then you are. Once I started to take E , I noticed I got bolder. Before starting E I use to be afraid of painting my nails in public Now I put make up on ,do my nails and openly have my bulging chest displayed.  my logic to get me to be able to do this is that right now all I have in my veins is E so its normal for me to be open about my appearance .

Quote from: stephaniec on January 04, 2014, 10:49:48 AM
I don't know ,but I seem to have a completely different reaction to E then you are. Once I started to take E , I noticed I got bolder. Before starting E I use to be afraid of painting my nails in public Now I put make up on ,do my nails and openly have my bulging chest displayed.  my logic to get me to be able to do this is that right now all I have in my veins is E so its normal for me to be open about my appearance .

ah I kinda feel like this too

Quote from: stephaniec on January 04, 2014, 10:49:48 AM
I don't know ,but I seem to have a completely different reaction to E then you are. Once I started to take E , I noticed I got bolder. Before starting E I use to be afraid of painting my nails in public Now I put make up on ,do my nails and openly have my bulging chest displayed.  my logic to get me to be able to do this is that right now all I have in my veins is E so its normal for me to be open about my appearance .

Well, I am more comfortable with expressing myself for the most part, but dressing style has yet to change.  I don't want to stand out like (no offense to anyone in this group) some crossdressers or drag queens do.  I want to make sure that I pass at all times.  However, even though I'm in boy mode still, I don't really have a very masculine presentation.  It's hard to explain.  Everything that I'm doing besides clothing kind of outs aspects of me, especially my chest.  That's why people usually either assume I'm a fem gay guy or detect that Im covering my transition because there are big signs.  Maybe I should just embrace whaat everyone seems to know, but I want to be thought off as one of the girls and want to ensure that not be seen as a crossdresser (again nothing wrong with that) by strangers.  Going forward fully too soon may jeopardize that and I'm nervous about starting this month.  I want everything perfect.  But at the same time, I'm dying while in hiding.  i know I complain too much.

Quote from: learningtolive on January 04, 2014, 11:09:46 AM
Well, I am more comfortable with expressing myself for the most part, but dressing style has yet to change.  I don't want to stand out like (no offense to anyone in this group) some crossdressers or drag queens do.  I want to make sure that I pass at all times.  However, even though I'm in boy mode still, I don't really have a very masculine presentation.  It's hard to explain.  Everything that I'm doing besides clothing kind of outs aspects of me, especially my chest.  That's why people usually either assume I'm a fem gay guy or detect that Im covering my transition because there are big signs.  Maybe I should just embrace whaat everyone seems to know, but I want to be thought off as one of the girls and want to ensure that not be seen as a crossdresser (again nothing wrong with that) by strangers.  Going forward fully too soon may jeopardize that and I'm nervous about starting this month.  I want everything perfect.  But at the same time, I'm dying while in hiding.  i know I complain too much.

this might not help, but most people you encounter on the street or in life you"ll probably never see again.   It's not important go at your own pase

you ll never know if you pass till you actually try going out as a girl right?

I found that the absolute best therapy I get is from my support group and especially from a couple of special souls there. I was overwhelmed being in a room full of others like me, with almost the same life stories as me. They were all very instrumental in my life turning around for the better. I began shedding the shame I nurtured over decades about being trans. In the heart of the NYC area like you are, it may take a little looking for a group geared towards TS's. Callen-Lord I 'm sure can help.

Sadly, non-T friends may not be as supportive as you may think. Especially as reality starts setting in. That you are serious. You really are carrying through on your plans. The loudly proclaimed "Yeah, Go for IT" may silently change to you are crazy.

I have been trying to figure out my answer as to what path to take for a good 3 years now. I still don't know for sure even after achieving the same life long dream as you, to be seen as and accepted as a woman. Unlike you, I do not have a goal to transition, just to feel whole. I know where my true joy lies. I fear the possible cost to achieve that joy, loosing other joys in my life. If that goal means fully transitioning, I also know I'll be ready to handle the challenges. Both the real and especially the imagined ones.

Before taking any of the baby steps to achieve that dream I would anguish for weeks, even months, before. Before even thinking I "might" I'd anguish for weeks, if not months before. The same "What's the point?" anguish you might be feeling. Depressed. Questioning. Crying. Scared.

It was only when the pain of not taking that step surpassed my fear I dared to try it, to see if it might be right for me. The joy and harmony I felt being more of the real me kept me going. Enabled me to conquer whatever remaining fear. Enabled me to shed a bit more of what little shame remains. Enabled me to loose much of the guilt about my actions. To loose some more of my perceived failure and disappointment as a man.

Quote from: learningtolive on January 03, 2014, 07:02:34 PM
Honestly, the whole issue is I don't know if I can make it anymore.  I'm feeling pretty depressed about life and my limitations that I wonder if I'll be able to suceed.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make my dreams come true and to turn everything around.  If I have to live as a guy for the rest of my life, I'd rather not go on.  But on the same token, I'm just not strong enough to be where I want.  As you can see, I feel really down and depressed.  I'm not giving up or anything because that would equal suicide (quite literally) but I just have no idea how to overcome everything.  My life is a mess and I truely want to turn it around.  I'm transitioning because I have to and need to.  It may sound crazy to most people, but in my heart I'm a girl.  he thing is not looking or being accepted as one is torture.  I've been in the starting phase of my transition for a while that now I'm really having a breakdown about not having more progress.  I just need to be seen, thought of and accepted as a girl.  I need it.  It's killing me.  I just want to be a girl and live a normal life just like other girls my age. Its not fair that I have to supress my feelings and my entire being for the sake of others.  I didn't ask for this.  I'm sick of this curse and it's killing me that it's taking so long to beat this.  The pain that I'm feeling being trapped is excrutiating.  It's the worst thing imaginable.  I just want it to be over and to live a normal life. eh, I don't kow what to say.  I'm just fed up waiting to get my life on track.  I'm fed up pretending to be something I'm not all the time.  Its getting overwhelming.  Forgive me, but I'm just feeling really depressed about everything.  It's just so hard.   I'm sorry for this being so disorganized but I'm in tears at the moment.  It's just so difficult and conflicting.  I need an easy transition but how long can I wait for it?

I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had anything grab my attention like that... I'm in the same place, and you just have to find a purpose, even if it seems stupid, like "hey if I make it to the end of the week i'm going to spend some time with a close friend..." or hobbies, stuff like that... It's all about putting one foot in front of the other, and even if it seems bleak that's no reason to just give up and not try at all... I hope you feel better soon, *hugs*

Quote from: stephaniec on January 04, 2014, 11:15:25 AM
this might not help, but most people you encounter on the street or in life you"ll probably never see again.   It's not important go at your own pase

You're right.  Still I care deeply how everyone and anyone percieves me. Strangers included.  I don't know why.  I'm very self conscious.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on January 04, 2014, 11:23:50 AM
you ll never know if you pass till you actually try going out as a girl right?

Yeah, I know.  But at the same time, I want to feel as comfortable as possible.  Where I stand now, I don't feel comfortable.  While I do have faith I'll get there, I'm more or less in that awkward between stage.  I don't know.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 04, 2014, 11:31:35 AM
I found that the absolute best therapy I get is from my support group and especially from a couple of special souls there. I was overwhelmed being in a room full of others like me, with almost the same life stories as me. They were all very instrumental in my life turning around for the better. I began shedding the shame I nurtured over decades about being trans. In the heart of the NYC area like you are, it may take a little looking for a group geared towards TS's. Callen-Lord I 'm sure can help.

Sadly, non-T friends may not be as supportive as you may think. Especially as reality starts setting in. That you are serious. You really are carrying through on your plans. The loudly proclaimed "Yeah, Go for IT" may silently change to you are crazy.

I have been trying to figure out my answer as to what path to take for a good 3 years now. I still don't know for sure even after achieving the same life long dream as you, to be seen as and accepted as a woman. Unlike you, I do not have a goal to transition, just to feel whole. I know where my true joy lies. I fear the possible cost to achieve that joy, loosing other joys in my life. If that goal means fully transitioning, I also know I'll be ready to handle the challenges. Both the real and especially the imagined ones.

Before taking any of the baby steps to achieve that dream I would anguish for weeks, even months, before. Before even thinking I "might" I'd anguish for weeks, if not months before. The same "What's the point?" anguish you might be feeling. Depressed. Questioning. Crying. Scared.

It was only when the pain of not taking that step surpassed my fear I dared to try it, to see if it might be right for me. The joy and harmony I felt being more of the real me kept me going. Enabled me to conquer whatever remaining fear. Enabled me to shed a bit more of what little shame remains. Enabled me to loose much of the guilt about my actions. To loose some more of my perceived failure and disappointment as a man.

You're right that I should go to a support group.  I've been holding it off and the one near me hasn't held a meeting because of all the holidays.  I'll make it a point to go to the next one.  I got to stop being so chicken about everything.  It's just hard.

Quote from: Carley Anne D on January 04, 2014, 11:39:32 AM
I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had anything grab my attention like that... I'm in the same place, and you just have to find a purpose, even if it seems stupid, like "hey if I make it to the end of the week i'm going to spend some time with a close friend..." or hobbies, stuff like that... It's all about putting one foot in front of the other, and even if it seems bleak that's no reason to just give up and not try at all... I hope you feel better soon, *hugs*

I know what you mean.  I'm just having a hard time finding things to look forward to that are within my reach or soon to come.  Most of what I await for is in my dreams and further than what I hope for.  At some point, I got to start living.  It's great to learn to live but i also have to live if you will.  This comment was helpful.  MAybe I just need to find some positive things to get my mind of all this stuff until I'm ready.  Something that will make me happy and excited for the future. 

Im in the awkward stage too,,,but with a lot of make up and some nice clothes I get the job done...kinda, I guess

Anyway I know how you feel , its ok to wait

LTL, I have very similar thoughts on a nearly daily basis.

I won't give you the be patient routine, but two months HRT is very little time. I'm at 30 months and still seeing changes, you almost certainly have a lot of change ahead of you. I agree 100% with your expectations and feelings over the years.

I do believe everyone has to come out the other end of this ok, regardless of what that looks like.  🙂

Quote from: Nikko on January 04, 2014, 11:58:17 AM
LTL, I have very similar thoughts on a nearly daily basis.

I won't give you the be patient routine, but two months HRT is very little time. I'm at 30 months and still seeing changes, you almost certainly have a lot of change ahead of you. I agree 100% with your expectations and feelings over the years.

I do believe everyone has to come out the other end of this ok, regardless of what that looks like. 

Well, it's been more than 2 months.  I started Estradiol in June and Spiro in July.  So, I'm a few months into this.  However, I haven't really had a decent response to hrt until October when my dose was readjusted.  That's when I've been seeing the big changes, but they are still in their infancy. 

I'm considering picking up a second therapist.  I love the one I go to, but I think I need someone that doesn't specialize in gender stuff to help me with my lack of confidence and social anxiety.  The fact is my relationship with my family has really done a number on me and I see myself as inferior in every situation and relationship because of certain things that have gone on since childhood.  I need to get over that and grow as a person.  In any event, it's starting to become damaging to my health and overall happiness.  Perhaps I need to do more work.  Then again, I haven't been doing the exposure therapy that my therapists begs me to do.   I don't know, but I feel a little better at the moment.  It's just been a terrible month (December) and I've gone through a lot of mixed emotions and stress.  And it's been hard facing all of it alone.  I just need to breath in a bit.

LTL, Family can be rough. I know I held off my transition for years in the hopes holding off would repair the damage coming out to them did. But in the end trying to please them (in vain mind you) I only hurt myself and sacrificed many many years (over 20) that I could have lived happily instead of miserable. It wasn't until 5 years ago I got so mad at them for them saying "as long as you still think your a girl things with us won't change" in a letter mind you, I just finally said to myself that I no longer cared what they or anyone else thinks. I saved my money, bought my own home and began living as who I am. That meant even pre hrt (I just started) I dressed as a woman, and did things as a woman, walked, talked (as best I can, lol!) as a woman, and basically became determined after all those wasted years to be happy as a woman for it is who I am.

I won't lie to you I just got over a rather large bout of depression myself. But not for the reasons you might think. I was depressed at all of the lost years -my youth, my 20's, 30's, and 40-45's are now all gone -lost like so many of my tears in falling rain. I was miserable all of those years and for what?.... Because I cared how my family thought of me, that they couldn't accept the realme? I  lost all of the best years of my life living a lie for someone else. No more baby no more! My mom and I still communicate with letters only. She knows I'm transitioning and that complete transition SRS and all is my goal but it's like I told her many times and I've heard said on here many times -genitals don't make the woman. It's what you feel in your heart, mind, and soul that does. So 5 years ago I stopped caring what my family or other people thing and began living as the woman I am and you know what? even pre hrt my feet shrunk!, my shoulders narrowed even more, and when I go out even without any makeup at all it's thank you Ms/Maam, Oh Ms, you forgot one bag, etc., etc., etc. Now that I'm on hormones (hrt) I feel invigorated even though it has been only for a short time. I have more energy and stammina and I love getting up each day, stretching my arms out and feeling femminine and strong as only a woman can. Girls y'all know what I mean.

LTL I SOOoooo much whish I could go back in time and get those years back -do it all over again. I can tell you this. I certainly wouldn't be waiting around or be worried what anyone thought. I'd be out living as the woman I am enjoying my youth, 20's, 30's, & 40-45's. Now I'm not saying that your parents are unimportant. What I am trying to express to you in my round about way is you must put yourself and your happiness above all else. Life is too short not to. I'm confident that if you show your parents and others in your stance and attetude how much happier you are living who you are, a woman that in a few years your parents especially your mother will welcome her new daughter. But you gotta show them in your attetude and how you carry yourself your happy being a woman. Moping around feeling miserable all the time especially around them will only make them think your confused, not happy, and that there's something wrong with you. Please though, I'd hate to see you or anyone else for that matter waste the best years of your life, when you can really be happy and enjoy those years to come, for the sake of someone else. If you truly are a woman be her, and be happy.

As for me I just turned 50 and will do the best I can in the years I got left. As someone else said, I'm hoping to be the hot older lady!

I hope I've helped ya some girl! 😉

I wasted a lot of years myself, but I made it and feel good