Has anyone had second thoughts?

More and more I sit around and don't feel any real desire to transition. More the opposite, not wanting to change. Or that I'll always have to put a huge amount of effort into just living. All the work that goes into this feels like it's just too much, that it'll never end and I'll burn out.

And that I don't fit in anywhere. That I can't enjoy the stuff I could before, that I can't be me without having to put it through a thought process. Living feels like this impossible chore and I don't know if it'll ever let up with transitioning.

Sorry, can't say that I've felt that. I've had a lot of worries that transition would be hard. Most of what I've worried about turned about to be no problem. (For an actual list: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.msg1273547.html#msg1273547). I was certainly worried that I'd be putting on an act 24/7. That hasn't turned out to be an issue. My life is at least as enjoyable (except for my family breaking up, but that was probably going to happen anyway).

What sort of things are you concerned you won't be able to enjoy?

It's weird that it's not entirely specific. It feels more like I have this strange unconscious expectation that everything I do should be "trans approved". Like I can't watch this one tv show because it doesn't seem to feature enough women, or I can't play this game because it seems too masculine.

It feels like I'm more restricted on the things I can enjoy. I end up thinking about trans stuff when I'm doing something completely unrelated and it depresses me. As if I can't just enjoy something by itself.

But more that I feel like continuing transitioning will just drain me. That I won't be able to wake up and just be, that I'll always have this expectation or constant thought in my head. I just feel exhausted all the time and I worry it won't end, or that I won't be able to deal with it until it does. It makes me want to give up and I worry if this is even the right thing to do.

You're experiencing completely normal feelings. This is a lot but you should never make a decision based on what's easier, make one based on what you feel is the truth and tough it out in the meantime.

For the feelings of 'appropriateness', they'll go away eventually. It's something that takes time and certitude in knowing yourself. You'll get there.

Quote from: Mogu on January 04, 2014, 12:13:04 PM
More and more I sit around and don't feel any real desire to transition. More the opposite, not wanting to change. Or that I'll always have to put a huge amount of effort into just living. All the work that goes into this feels like it's just too much, that it'll never end and I'll burn out.

And that I don't fit in anywhere. That I can't enjoy the stuff I could before, that I can't be me without having to put it through a thought process. Living feels like this impossible chore and I don't know if it'll ever let up with transitioning.

This is very common for me, in fact, it seems to be growing. When I began my transition, I was experiencing such strong obsession over it, I couldn't think of much else, it was scary. But now I feel like you've described.

I've tried to understand why. I go back and forth. There are times I just want it to go away and other times I feel great.

I think I know why. I've never put myself first, it's very uncomfortable for me to do that. I've grown up in a family where you're expected to deal with situations, get over it without upsetting the apple cart. I have a sense of guilt over transition. That I don't have a right to risk any damage to my family (yet, I don't expect them to protect me in this way), that's why I still haven't come out to them, and probably never will.

I'm not suggesting in any way that people who transition are selfish. I don't necessarily believe my view on any of this is right, it's just my personality, it's who I am. Basically, I'm getting in the way. 

I don't have second thoughts, but I know what you mean about everything being so hard.  It is challenging and a process that requires a lot of effort.  And the expectations and everything do become mentally draining. That gets to me, but I don't regret transitioning at the same time.

What I'll say to you is this, don't worry about fitting into any boxes.  The purpose of transitioning is to liberate yourself and to move closer to a happier/comfortable life.  If you are denying your feelings and desires, that is not a good thing.  You shouldn't do that.  Just because you are transitioning doesn't mean you're a different person.  Just be the authentic you, whatever that may be.   

Yes it's normal to have second thoughts. People have them all the time about everything - the food they eat, what they decided to wear that day, the party they're at, where they parked the car. Transition is of a infinite magnitude larger than any of those things and comes with a lot of stresses and changes and upheavals, so it's natural to wonder if it will be worth the difficulties. But it does sound like you are unnecessarily over complicating things.

Just be yourself and don't overthink what the "trans* approved" thing is (there's no such thing, BTW). Enjoy your life, don't bind yourself up in strictures. There's an article that's recently been linked to at this forum "10 things I wish I knew when I started transition" (or something like that) - have a read if you haven't already. One of the great pieces of advice is to have and be involved in interests that have nothing to do with being trans*, it takes your mind off the day to day concerns.
Hugs
Grace

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 04, 2014, 01:07:51 PM
Yes it's normal to have second thoughts. People have them all the time about everything - the food they eat, what they decided to wear that day, the party they're at, where they parked the car. Transition is of a infinite magnitude larger than any of those things and comes with a lot of stresses and changes and upheavals, so it's natural to wonder if it will be worth the difficulties. But it does sound like you are unnecessarily over complicating things.

Just be yourself and don't overthink what the "trans* approved" thing is (there's no such thing, BTW). Enjoy your life, don't bind yourself up in strictures.

Thanks for saying this, Grace     

I have never stopped second guessing myself & haveing second thoughts, then second thoughts on my second thoughts, then .... etc ...

I have been taking estrogen since mid-June, yet I still present as male almost 100% of the time - even at home where I am allowed to wear whatever I want.

On my first visit to the gender therapist (with the missus), she was quite shocked to hear my story while seeing me wearing a bushy goatee and thick sideburns with a closely cropped head.  She had to ask me to shave.  At my second session with her, she had to tell me that the sideburns weren't very feminine and that I should possibly consider removing them as well as the (now shaved) beard.  I did. 

I have never particularly liked shaving, hence a near-permanent beard since I was a teenager.  I never liked the open weeping sores that almost always resulted from me shaving.  Even this past year I have only shaved once most weeks.  I wore the goatee again at my wife's request for 2 months from Oct to Dec.  My therapist seems confused at encountering her first transwoman in 28 years of practice who doesn't seem to particularly care about facial hair. 

My only concession to female attire in my daily life before today have been my girl jeans and my girl hiking boots.

Today a friend called over to colour & cut my hair.  This is the first time I have ever worn a hairstyle that wasn't overtly male.  I suspect I may shave a little more often now that my mostly white stubble doesn't quite match my newly dyed hair.  I have also noticed within the past couple of weeks that my skin isn't reacting nearly as badly as before to shaving.  This might be because the growth is noticeably lighter & slower than before, with some patches of very little hair.

The prospect of social transition terrifies me.  While I am thrilled by the contour changes in my torso as a result of the hormones, I am also scared that I may not be able to avoid social transition in the summer.  Before my chest grew this much I had thought I could use a compression vest to delay that point of 'male fail'.  Now that I'm here, that option is looking less realistic.  Especially since even the missus is noticing the facial changes (despite her best efforts not to).  Her comment upon seeing my dyed hair: "Oh, great!  You don't look like an old white lady any more!"  (It was just a touch of grey at my temples, I swear.) 

Second thoughts ? ... Oh yeah.  Every day. 

But there is no way I can go back to where I was.  It only took 2-3 days of estrogen for almost all the obsession & compulsion to vanish.  My OCD has lessened in other areas too.  My wife has asked several times: "Who are you & what have you done with my husband ?" after I agreed with her on something small that I would have argued about before.

This is better.  I don't yet know if it will be good.  But trying to not transition got me as far as the ER, and I know that that scenario will still be waiting for me if I ever think I can somehow escape the feelings of wrongness with my body (I guess that's what the "dysphoria" is - still not too sure what that word means, exactly).

I don't want to change.  Not at all.  But I want to live more than I want to not change.  This $#!t is hard   

Second thoughts eh?

I get them only for a second sometimes...
I think ,,,its just my subconscious which is reaaally used to being a guy...so if I was appearing to be a guy for 18 years my innerself must have some difficulties to getting used to my new appearnce , but Im sure im doing the right thing...
others things ensure me about that...

Like when I cry and feel despare when I look in the mirror, or the jealously I feel when I see other girls , or when I feel sad when they call me with male pronouns etc ,,, all these are stronger than the few seconds thoughts I have,,,im sure of it , myself just needs some time to forget about the old me...thats all

What you are feeling is normal from all of the threads i've read here. Everyone feels unsure at times and has second thoughts.

I get second thoughts all of the time - thoughts about how much easier it would be if I just quit doing this and went back to the way that life was before. On those days I see a dude when I look in the mirror and that's my clue about what my mental state is going to be that day.

But when I'm feeling that way I have forgotten why I'm doing this. The dysphoria, the drinking, the misery - is that really what I want my life to be like? I've been there and done that before, and it was literally killing me.

Life is so much better now. I can't go back to living the old way. The ONLY way for me is forward.

I do have more good days than bad days. On my good days I feel on top of the world, and I think "heck yeah lets do this". I have to remember when the doubts are hitting me there is another great day just waiting around the corner for me, and my doubts and fears are only temporary.

To help on the "dude" days I try to reaffirm myself with activities that recharge me.

I have had a decent amount of doubt and second thoughts.  The thing is, they only creep up whenever I am about to take another step forward, such as starting HRT or right before my name change, so I think they are caused by fear.  You have no idea what is about to happen, and your brain goes into "defense mode" to protect you from the unknown.  I am used to it now and I have learned how to ignore my doubts, but I can suggest getting a therapist to talk through your thoughts - even if you suddenly feel that nothing is wrong.