Quote from: stephaniec on January 04, 2014, 08:42:00 PM
I wasted a lot of years myself, but I made it and feel good

So will I, I'm too determined to live happy as me not to!

I agree with everyone else. You have to put your past in your behind. No wait it's your past behind you. Then move on

Quote from: Allyda on January 04, 2014, 08:29:54 PM
LTL, Family can be rough. I know I held off my transition for years in the hopes holding off would repair the damage coming out to them did. But in the end trying to please them (in vain mind you) I only hurt myself and sacrificed many many years (over 20) that I could have lived happily instead of miserable. It wasn't until 5 years ago I got so mad at them for them saying "as long as you still think your a girl things with us won't change" in a letter mind you, I just finally said to myself that I no longer cared what they or anyone else thinks. I saved my money, bought my own home and began living as who I am. That meant even pre hrt (I just started) I dressed as a woman, and did things as a woman, walked, talked (as best I can, lol!) as a woman, and basically became determined after all those wasted years to be happy as a woman for it is who I am.

I won't lie to you I just got over a rather large bout of depression myself. But not for the reasons you might think. I was depressed at all of the lost years -my youth, my 20's, 30's, and 40-45's are now all gone -lost like so many of my tears in falling rain. I was miserable all of those years and for what?.... Because I cared how my family thought of me, that they couldn't accept the realme? I  lost all of the best years of my life living a lie for someone else. No more baby no more! My mom and I still communicate with letters only. She knows I'm transitioning and that complete transition SRS and all is my goal but it's like I told her many times and I've heard said on here many times -genitals don't make the woman. It's what you feel in your heart, mind, and soul that does. So 5 years ago I stopped caring what my family or other people thing and began living as the woman I am and you know what? even pre hrt my feet shrunk!, my shoulders narrowed even more, and when I go out even without any makeup at all it's thank you Ms/Maam, Oh Ms, you forgot one bag, etc., etc., etc. Now that I'm on hormones (hrt) I feel invigorated even though it has been only for a short time. I have more energy and stammina and I love getting up each day, stretching my arms out and feeling femminine and strong as only a woman can. Girls y'all know what I mean.

LTL I SOOoooo much whish I could go back in time and get those years back -do it all over again. I can tell you this. I certainly wouldn't be waiting around or be worried what anyone thought. I'd be out living as the woman I am enjoying my youth, 20's, 30's, & 40-45's. Now I'm not saying that your parents are unimportant. What I am trying to express to you in my round about way is you must put yourself and your happiness above all else. Life is too short not to. I'm confident that if you show your parents and others in your stance and attetude how much happier you are living who you are, a woman that in a few years your parents especially your mother will welcome her new daughter. But you gotta show them in your attetude and how you carry yourself your happy being a woman. Moping around feeling miserable all the time especially around them will only make them think your confused, not happy, and that there's something wrong with you. Please though, I'd hate to see you or anyone else for that matter waste the best years of your life, when you can really be happy and enjoy those years to come, for the sake of someone else. If you truly are a woman be her, and be happy.

As for me I just turned 50 and will do the best I can in the years I got left. As someone else said, I'm hoping to be the hot older lady!

I hope I've helped ya some girl!

Thank you very much for this post.  I love my family in a big way, but some things really get to me.  Even before I came out I had issues with certain things.  I'm just so used to requiring approval for every little thing because I needed approval.  If not, all hell broke lose (let's say it wasn't uncommon for a lot of fighting in my home).  It's hard for me to talk about some things, but I was definitely controlled and not used to having individual freedom.  The idea of not caring what someone thinks or says is foreign to me because I was always expected to have clearance or approval for just about everything.   That's always been my role in the family and it's transferred into how I perceive all my relationships and society as a whole.  Also, it's the reason why I felt so much shame in who I am because I never got the okay from society to be who I was or feel what I feel.  As a result, I'm terrified to act out how I feel or express myself in the way I desire.  Sure, I'm certainly not your average "guy" in any way, as most people assume I'm a fem gay guy, but I'm also very scared to be me and put up huge walls so people can't detect easily see who I am.  It's because I need constant approval and validation to make sure that I'm not doing something bad and get the okay to be me. Once I feel I've overstepped my bounds or don't get validation, I get really upset and anxious.  I'm a real messed up cookie.  But I can work on this.  I can stop caring about what others think and not require constant approval.   It's just really hard for me to do this.  Really hard.  I suspect this is why passing is so important to me.  If I pass as female and people see nothing different about me, I automatically feel I get the validation I seek and the okay to express myself as a woman.  I need to do a lot more work.

Thank you for your comment.  It helped me see some things I didn't want to look into.  Well, it can't hurt to pick up a second therapist.  I think cognitive therapy is something I should look into.  I have to retrain my perception and start dealing with these heavier issues that go way beyond my gender.  My gender really isn't the issue when I think of it.  It's how I see myself as a human and the place I put myself socially.  That's the core of my whole problem.  Well, transition is all about self growth and improvement, so it's never too late to fix things that need fixing. 

P.S.  I really do love my family and they are amazing people, so don't take anything I say as a reason to judge them.  There is much more wonderful things I could say about them than bad.  It's just my childhood and upbringing has shaped me for this world in ways that weren't always for the best.

Quote from: learningtolive on January 05, 2014, 01:50:55 AM
Thank you very much for this post.  I love my family in a big way, but some things really get to me.  Even before I came out I had issues with certain things.  I'm just so used to requiring approval for every little thing because I needed approval.  If not, all hell broke lose (let's say it wasn't uncommon for a lot of fighting in my home).  It's hard for me to talk about some things, but I was definitely controlled and not used to having individual freedom.  The idea of not caring what someone thinks or says is foreign to me because I was always expected to have clearance or approval for just about everything.   That's always been my role in the family and it's transferred into how I perceive all my relationships and society as a whole.  Also, it's the reason why I felt so much shame in who I am because I never got the okay from society to be who I was or feel what I feel.  As a result, I'm terrified to act out how I feel or express myself in the way I desire.  Sure, I'm certainly not your average "guy" in any way, as most people assume I'm a fem gay guy, but I'm also very scared to be me and put up huge walls so people can't detect easily see who I am.  It's because I need constant approval and validation to make sure that I'm not doing something bad and get the okay to be me. Once I feel I've overstepped my bounds or don't get validation, I get really upset and anxious.  I'm a real messed up cookie.  But I can work on this.  I can stop caring about what others think and not require constant approval.   It's just really hard for me to do this.  Really hard.  I suspect this is why passing is so important to me.  If I pass as female and people see nothing different about me, I automatically feel I get the validation I seek and the okay to express myself as a woman.  I need to do a lot more work.

Thank you for your comment.  It helped me see some things I didn't want to look into.  Well, it can't hurt to pick up a second therapist.  I think cognitive therapy is something I should look into.  I have to retrain my perception and start dealing with these heavier issues that go way beyond my gender.  My gender really isn't the issue when I think of it.  It's how I see myself as a human and the place I put myself socially.  That's the core of my whole problem.  Well, transition is all about self growth and improvement, so it's never too late to fix things that need fixing. 

P.S.  I really do love my family and they are amazing people, so don't take anything I say as a reason to judge them.  There is much more wonderful things I could say about them than bad.  It's just my childhood and upbringing has shaped me for this world in ways that weren't always for the best.

Oh don't worry girl I judge no one. Not my thing ya-know? And, as an adoptee in a family with a biological son I was always the black sheep so I can sympathsize with you there. I did however imancipate myself legally at 15 as I was working and on my own mostly anyway. My Mom understood why cause it was for the most part my adoptive father whom gave me the most trouble. He was of Sicilian Italian decent, and for some reason being loud "he-men" are important to them, lol! (I stringently emphasize the "loud"-his whole side of the family were!). He would constantly try to get me to cut my hair & eat more and gain weight saying "you look like a girl with your hair and your so skinny" comments. He'd do this in public thinking it embarassed me when actually I took his obnoxious comments as a compliment. I was always small boned and all legs and arms (long legs, long arms for my height) and being Native American born on a reservation My hair wasn't going anywhere. My grandpa on his side called me "spider legs" all the time. However, I got along with Sicillian grandma and grandpa well & miss them dearly. I got along with my grandma and Aunt & Uncle (he was French) on my adopted Mom's side as well. Long story short they were right about one thing -I always looked more like a girl than a guy ut what they didn't know is how much I liked being that way in appearance until I came out.

I did get my Karma gift in the end though. See, their biological son is a real turd and long story short, he took the old man for all he had. In his final years my adopted father lived on a farm I owned up north in my remodeled farmhouse. Truth is, after having a major stroke in 98 he wasn't such a bad guy. It's a shame it took a traumatizing health problem like that though to change his attetude towards others who are different. I had a new home I had built on my farm too which is where I was living at the time with a girlfriend. He passed away in June of 2000 & I sold the place in 2002 & put the money away -well, most of it anyway, lol! For I knew I'd need another home someday. I wanted to travel a bit and ended up in New York city for a while in Mid Manhattan, then Washington DC for a few years, then I decided to come back to Florida where my adopted mother was from and was living now in effort to re-connect. She had re-married following a messy divorce from my adopted father when he began cheating on her with a 20 year old (another story). Anyway, I've only been partially successful as we only communicate with letters. However, she does send me boxes of things for my home once or twice per month and when she sent presents this year everything was in female sizes (most of it too big but she sent me a nice cammy that fits well.). I think she too is finally realizing her son's a turd, and I'm her only hope of an honest child even though she must accept me as her daughter so I feel she'll eventually come around. But if she doesn't and letters and boxes is all we'll have I'll accept that too. The bottom line is I've put off my happiness for way too long and I won't anymore, and she knows this. Also, I think her new husband has been helping her accept me as I am a lot. How about that? Help from someone I've never met in person. He has seen photos of me though and so has she so they know what I look like. They know I'm happier now that I've ever been, and it is that alone that I think will be what brings my Mom around. She's all I have left family wise. My biological Mom Died when I was 6 & 1/2 out on the rez & I never knew my real father so, My adopted Mom I'm hoping will come around. But I won't stress over it if she doesn't for reasons already explained.

Well, I hope my little walk down memory lane brightens your day up a little TLC. Always remember this: Karma's the queen "B", and she's on our side.

Quote from: Allyda on January 05, 2014, 11:22:32 AM
Oh don't worry girl I judge no one. Not my thing ya-know? And, as an adoptee in a family with a biological son I was always the black sheep so I can sympathsize with you there. I did however imancipate myself legally at 15 as I was working and on my own mostly anyway. My Mom understood why cause it was for the most part my adoptive father whom gave me the most trouble. He was of Sicilian Italian decent, and for some reason being loud "he-men" are important to them, lol! (I stringently emphasize the "loud"-his whole side of the family were!). He would constantly try to get me to cut my hair & eat more and gain weight saying "you look like a girl with your hair and your so skinny" comments. He'd do this in public thinking it embarassed me when actually I took his obnoxious comments as a compliment. I was always small boned and all legs and arms (long legs, long arms for my height) and being Native American born on a reservation My hair wasn't going anywhere. My grandpa on his side called me "spider legs" all the time. However, I got along with Sicillian grandma and grandpa well & miss them dearly. I got along with my grandma and Aunt & Uncle (he was French) on my adopted Mom's side as well. Long story short they were right about one thing -I always looked more like a girl than a guy ut what they didn't know is how much I liked being that way in appearance until I came out.

I did get my Karma gift in the end though. See, their biological son is a real turd and long story short, he took the old man for all he had. In his final years my adopted father lived on a farm I owned up north in my remodeled farmhouse. Truth is, after having a major stroke in 98 he wasn't such a bad guy. It's a shame it took a traumatizing health problem like that though to change his attetude towards others who are different. I had a new home I had built on my farm too which is where I was living at the time with a girlfriend. He passed away in June of 2000 & I sold the place in 2002 & put the money away -well, most of it anyway, lol! For I knew I'd need another home someday. I wanted to travel a bit and ended up in New York city for a while in Mid Manhattan, then Washington DC for a few years, then I decided to come back to Florida where my adopted mother was from and was living now in effort to re-connect. She had re-married following a messy divorce from my adopted father when he began cheating on her with a 20 year old (another story). Anyway, I've only been partially successful as we only communicate with letters. However, she does send me boxes of things for my home once or twice per month and when she sent presents this year everything was in female sizes (most of it too big but she sent me a nice cammy that fits well.). I think she too is finally realizing her son's a turd, and I'm her only hope of an honest child even though she must accept me as her daughter so I feel she'll eventually come around. But if she doesn't and letters and boxes is all we'll have I'll accept that too. The bottom line is I've put off my happiness for way too long and I won't anymore, and she knows this. Also, I think her new husband has been helping her accept me as I am a lot. How about that? Help from someone I've never met in person. He has seen photos of me though and so has she so they know what I look like. They know I'm happier now that I've ever been, and it is that alone that I think will be what brings my Mom around. She's all I have left family wise. My biological Mom Died when I was 6 & 1/2 out on the rez & I never knew my real father so, My adopted Mom I'm hoping will come around. But I won't stress over it if she doesn't for reasons already explained.

Well, I hope my little walk down memory lane brightens your day up a little TLC. Always remember this: Karma's the queen "B", and she's on our side.

I'm glad you are moving on with your life in a successful manner.   I really envy those who don't care what others think or feel.  It's always been my curse to require consistent approval and validation.  To not have it is so foreign to me and that's why I'm so afraid to move forward at all.  Hope I get there one day.

And I know about Sicillian families.  That's the primary genetic background of my family (though I'm very much a mutt).  The men are very masculine and the women are very opinionated and passionate, lol.  I'm glad you are moving on despite your past and I hope you will reconnect with your mother.  As everyone here probably knows, I truly value mother daughter relationships. 

Quote from: learningtolive on January 05, 2014, 11:44:49 AM
I'm glad you are moving on with your life in a successful manner.   I really envy those who don't care what others think or feel.  It's always been my curse to require consistent approval and validation.  To not have it is so foreign to me and that's why I'm so afraid to move forward at all.  Hope I get there one day.

And I know about Sicillian families.  That's the primary genetic background of my family (though I'm very much a mutt).  The men are very masculine and the women are very opinionated and passionate, lol.  I'm glad you are moving on despite your past and I hope you will reconnect with your mother.  As everyone here probably knows, I truly value mother daughter relationships.

Thanks for the compliments. It's not hard TLC to just let go of those hangups. Once you do (and I think you will) you'll see that what's important is your happiness especially at your age. I'm not trying to make dealing with family issues sound easy cause their far from it. But they are something all of us go through. You'll find your confidence one day soon and you'll see what I mean. Once you do is when things will change for you only for the better.