Hello everyone. This is my first post and I just wanted to thank all the people who have written such helpful comments on this forum.

I am really sorry to post like this, but I am not in a good place right now. I am 35, married, have two children, and a good job. On paper I am a pretty much the perfect cis male. But the truth is that I am stuck in hell and I just can't see the light. I have a therapist for almost a year. I'm starting HRT in 3 weeks. I've started laser on my face. I just don't think I'm going to make it. Sorry, sorry, there are so many posts like this, but I live in a small place and I have no one to talk to and my therapist doesn't have that much experience. I spend almost all my time pacing the floor. I can't sleep, I can't eat (lost over 30lbs), and I can't think. I feel like I will never ever make it through this. Sadly, and again, sorry to say this but I am now obsessed with suicide. Sorry, sorry. I have one shot to go to San Francisco for a work thing for an extended period( I live in a small town in Canada). This essentially involves leaving my family for a while, and probably longer. I am so scared and afraid of everything. My mind now is nearly completely destroyed, whittled down to protecting my inner female at all cost. How can a human survive this?

Once that inner girl is free to live, much of the anxiety and fear goes to the wayside. It is very hard to hide yourself from everything and everyone around you. San Fran may be just what you need to explore your inner girl. When you start HRT, you will likely feel a big relief. That is a common reaction anyway. Quitting just when you are finally making your way would be sad. The girl inside will never have a chance if you don't give her one. I don't know if you have talked to your family yet or not. That is certainly a stresser.

Don't quit though, You can come here and talk all you want, tell of your fears and problems as well as your successes. You aren't alone in all that you feel and if others have made it, so can you.

we have been through it, GT.
some have done exactly as you have.
keep reading an ask for any advice as to let your hair down so to speak.
and please call the hotline for help. you can get through this.
dont give up on yourself, and deffinately dont give up on life.
im not sure i can give you the advice you need as i am not that experienced but there are many on here who are and who will gladly help you.

LordKAT and Emo, thanks for your kind words. Yes LordKAT, my wife knows and through a long series of painful discussions she is starting to accept that this is happening and that I'm not psychotic. She really has no interest in being with a woman though. Thanks Emo I may call a helpline, I have not yet done that. I am simply scared, crying continuously, and just need to talk to people who have felt these sorts of things before. I am really counting on hrt helping my mental state or I'm finished for sure.

Quote from: Greentriangle on January 06, 2014, 11:50:24 AM
Thanks Emo I may call a helpline, I have not yet done that. I am simply scared, crying continuously, and just need to talk to people who have felt these sorts of things before. I am really counting on hrt helping my mental state or I'm finished for sure.

dont say that! there is ALWAYS a better option than that. just keep a firm grip on hope and go to friends for help. if you need it, you can always pm me. i can give you my contact info if you want so i can talk you through it if you feel those thoughts coming on again.
dont give up GT.

How do you get through it? You just do. Take one day at a time and work towards making progress. Its part of being transsexual and especially changing when you are older and so much is at stake.

I dont know you at all, but I sure know those feelings. You are not alone, many of us have been exactly where you are right now. Overwhelmed. Its really all just a bit much.

But many people cope with very difficult situations. The loss of loved ones, terrible painful diseases, the loss of job and home and so on. So it can be done and people do it every day.

Somewhere, deep down, you have a reservoir of inner strength. It may not feel that way right now, but it is there and you need to learn how to tap into it. The world isnt ending, its beginning. It sounds like you are going to have some time away to think. Make a plan for yourself. It helps. Dont be isolated, do what your doing right now and reach out. It sounds like you have made up your mind to do this thing, to change. That in itself is a big achievement. Many dont get that far and end up resorting to far worse things in an effort to cope.

I cant lie and say that any of this is easy. But, you have a future with the potential for happiness. A future where you are you and what you see in the mirror is what you should see. I moved far away to one of those small canadian towns to transition. I left a lot behind, I lost a lot but in loosing everything I found myself. Look at my picture. That is the difference a few years of hormones and hard work makes. No surgeries, thats what Im working on now. If I can do it, 20 years older than you, then you can too.

You are also free to PM me. Im almost always around as | am retired now. If you need to talk you can have my phone number. Believe me, there is nothing you would say that |I havent heard about or thought about before. If you need help with anything here in canada, please feel free to ask. I know how to do everything, all the legal crap as well, later when you are ready.

Above all else, dont isolate yourself.

It may not seem like it right at this moment but you are about to start the best part of your life. It is the privileged few who get to experience life as both sexes and you are one of them.

Dont forget what I said. If you wanna talk, im here 24/7 and dont be worried about the time.

Big Hug

Amber Anne

Amber Anne thank you for your thoughtful and caring response. Emo, thank you for your encouragement. I have tried to be strong, but the reality is I am a very very weak person. My heart is made of glass. I am like a jellyfish. But Amber I am familiar with that feeling of hope that you describe. It is a very distant thing to me, but I saw it once a few months ago and I guess it is all I have. I can barely see it, it is like trying to remember the details of a dream you had as a child, faint and patchy. But really it seems impossible to me, like I'm being crushed by a black wave, and that realistically I will never succeed. Amber, I looked at your picture like you asked and you are so, so beautiful, it is incredible. You are very fortunate. It would take a miracle for me to attain that. But you are right, people survive horrible things, much much worse than me. It doesn't make it easier though since I am already such a weak person.  I need to find strength to move forward and I think you are right in that it can come from that faint memory of hope.

Having your wife on board makes a big difference.There are support groups for SO's and families. These groups try to explain the feelings and reality of being trans. Perhaps if she went to one or read more from their sites, it would help.

I have a friend whose wife said the same, anything but surgery she was willing to deal with. So far, she is still there and very supportive.

First of all and most importantly, you are welcome. Im no great beauty at all, but I do look female and believe me if you had known me in my old life you would never have thought such a thing possible. I have had some good fortune but 95% of what you see is the result of hormones - they are amazing given the time to work - and plain old fashioned hard work.

When I was starting i was sure I would be the most ugly old hag ever. Long before I started hormones I went for one of those make overs. You know, the one where they dress you up, put on make up, pick a flattering wig and then take some pictures of you. It was fun and I was amazed at how different I looked. Why dont you go and do that. Your going away, its just a day of your time and a couple hundred dollars. The results might amaze you and give you some idea of what you could look like. It might help turn that hazy image into something real, that you can see, if even for a day. After all, your a woman so give yourself the chance to experience it.

I wouldnt call you weak, maybe a little depressed and discouraged but hardly weak. After all, you had the courage to tell your wife and obviously you have been visiting a doctor multiple times to get prescribed hormones. Weak people dont do those things. They just sit and feel sorry for themselves and do nothing or drink themselves into oblivion. I did, for a long time and worse. If you ever want to hear about it Ill tell you more in private, I overcame a lot including loosing over 120 pounds. I also did a lot of awful, self hating things. But the point is they passed and now im nearly finished.

If I did it anybody can. You can too. I know what im talking about.

And take the advice given and go to some support group or therapist with your wife. After all, its got to be a shock for the poor lady, give her some time and the chance to understand. You might be surprised. Maybe you wont stay together, maybe and the hormones can do this, you will desire a man and so it wont matter anyway. So many positive possibilities other than doom and gloom.

And my offer remains open. Contact me whenever you wish.

HRT is so close you owe yourself to at least go 6 months on  HRT. I know I went from at my wits end to happy to be alive. I too have a daughter and wife. I too have a wife that wants man. One thing at a time and one day at a time.

Your family needs you around for support. Your daughters need you too. You need support for the girl in you and medicine to ease your mind.

Listen to Cynthia. The hormones change everything in ways you cannot possibly begin to imagine. They take time but the results, most especially mentally can be amazing. You will thank us later.