There, I finally said it! Here is my story...
I'm a 55 year old man. I'm married (34 years), and have three grown children and 3 grandchildren. When I was 5 years old, I discovered MB (masturbation). I used to hide in places all over, so I could do it. My parents were strict Catholics. When I was about 10 years old, I told my mom what I would do because it 'felt good'. She immediately went to her closet where she had a Catholic pamphlet. She read that pamphlet, and told me that I needed to get to confession right away. My mom never showed love or compasion. The only time I felt 'love' from her was when I was sick. During those times she would comfort me, and take care of me, and I loved that! My parents were good people, but they just weren't outwardly affectionate.
Anyway, not long after my confession to my mom, I was sexually molested by a priest twice (I was an alter boy). At that point in my life, I felt that God and my parents (since my parents were so 'close' to God) thought I was no good. I was BAD. I was a sinner because I had this awful 'thing' I did (MB).
Way back even when I was 5, I used to fantasize about adult women with their beautiful clothes, and 'being' with them. I had 4 brothers and one sister, and there were times where I would hide up in the attic and dress in my sisters clothes. I loved that feeling. One time, when I was dressed up, someone came home, so I quickly hid in the closet. My mom and brother kept trying to get in, but I wouldn't let them until I hid the clothes and they were gone. There were other things I did, like when I was out in the front yard playing with neighbor kids (my parents were strict on that too), I wrestled a girl to the ground (she was wearing a pretty dress) and began 'humping' her. My mom saw this from the house and was appalled! I was embarrassed, ashamed, and well, it just added to the fact that God hated me anyway!
When I was finally old enough to get out of the house, I joined the service. I was free! For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a 'family', a place where I belonged and felt liked. Through my 4 years of service, and having the time of my life, I still felt 'different'. I never really dated much, and just wasn't interested in anything other than an occasional lap dance (by the urging of the guys).
Within a year of getting out of the service, I was married. Being a Catholic, you didn't have sex before you got married, so I got married. Not long after we were married, during an intimate time, I took an article of my wives off, and put it on me. She was repulsed. She wouldn't have sex with me for 6 months after that.
I was pretty much 'side-tracked' for many years there, because we started having kids right away, and I was doing my fatherly duties. Once the kids started growing up, my son needed a computer for school work. Around 45 years old was when I discovered the possibilities of the computer. From an early age, I discovered that to be sexual, I had to fantasize myself as a woman WITH a woman. On the internet, I discovered woman who would let me be just that, a woman with soft, puffy slips, and nylons, and we would have cyber sex. Mind you, the naked body isn't attractive to me at all. Any woman I talked to, or fantasized about, had to be fully clothed (even my wife to this day). I became addicted to this form of acting out. I'd spend hours upon hours, talking to women online. It became apparent to me that I needed to attend Sex addicts support groups. Though these groups helped me understand what I was doing, it didn't stop me.
Three years ago, I met a woman online. At first she was part of my 'herum', but then it became different. She had this way about 'figuring' me out. She knew what I was doing, and was trying to let me see for myself that it was wrong. Over the years she has helped me figure out who I was and am. She is the one who told me that I was a transvestic fetishist. Many years ago, I gave the part of me that liked to dress up, and be a woman with a woman a name. Her name is Michelle. Michelle is in love with this woman I met three years ago. She is a strong woman, and she helps me in so many ways I can't explain them all. She makes me feel loved for who I am...all of me.
I realized long ago that I never was 'in love' with my wife. She is extrememly codependent on me. If it weren't for me, she couldn't go on (she has let me know this). I am basically her caregiver. I would never leave her because she is a good woman, and it's just not something I, as a Catholic man would do, but she just doesn't 'get me'. She hates the fact that I never initiate sex. I don't need sex actually, especially not the 'man and woman' sex. I've tried many times over the years to explain to her how I am, and she wants no part of it. She's a prim and proper woman, and this kind of stuff, the 'stuff' that I am, turns her completely off.
I've been reading today on the internet about mulitple personalities. It sounds like me to a T. I have the man that I grew up to be 'in body', I have the little boy in me that I feel lacked the emotional bonding that I so needed growing up with 'different' feelings inside, and I have the sexual side, Michelle.
The woman I met online, Michelle has fallen in love with her. She is monogomous with her and feels for the first time in her life, emotional love for a woman. But then there's this little boy in me, the boy that disassociated most of his childhood away because I was so 'different' and I didn't know why, well, this little boy still fantasizes about every woman that stands in front of him! I'm trying to stop the MB (acting out), and it's very hard, but my internet wife (aka-dream wife) is hurt because she knows that it's not always 'her' that I act out to in my thoughts. But, that's part of my sexual addiction. I can't seem to stop it!
Well, I'll stop now (if anyone is still here!). This is my life basically. I'm a good husband, father, and grandfather, and I'm a good man in my community. But all my life there has been this 'secret' in me. The secret I was never able to share completely until I met my internet wife, Dee. I know many (including God) would think that I'm totally nuts, and sinful for having this other woman in my life (my wife is friends with her too, and we just came back from visiting her and her husband-they know we are friends, but not to the extent that we are), but until I met her, I was lost, confused, depressed, and constantly 'searching' for SOMETHING.
Sorry for making this so long, and I hope my introduction didn't turn everyone against me for what I do!
Thanks for listening, it felt great to get this out!
M
