Hey everyone, I joined here a few days ago and have been lurking a bit and trying to come up with the right intro (not that I was nervous, you all seem like a great group of people!). Its been difficult because I haven't been able to decide exactly what I wanted to say or how to say it, which has basically been the way I felt recently. I am a 19 year old male, and it hasn't been til recently that I have been really considering HRT and even surgery down the line. In fact I never really thought of it much at all, I think I kind of stuffed the feeling in and never let it get out. But recently the feeling is burning and its what I think about 80% percent of the day. I can't stop thinking about how much I want to be female. I'm personally someone that you probably wouldn't suspect to feel this way by my general personality and appearance. I guess you can say I am guyish, I have a decently athletic build, fairly good at sports, and I have plenty of interests that would be considered male oriented. Although my interests are vast and many can be considered bigender
My biggest concerns about transitioning are my voice and upper body build (shoulders). Other than that, I don't think there'd be many obstacles.
Here is some background info I suppose. I'm the type of person that stuffs certain feelings and emotions deep down inside maybe to ignore or forget about them. I've always been this way, and I believe the reason why my desire to change my sex was never apparent was simply because I always buried it away with countless other feelings. Growing up I probably never showed any real glowing clues that suggested that I wanted to be a woman instead of a male, at least to other people. I never cross-dressed or was feminine. There were however plenty of hints, some subtle and some obvious, that seemed to be messages or clarion calls to myself that something was up. These ranged from choosing female characters in games as a kid, fantasizing about being a woman, and even registering on message boards and other internet activities as a female. More recently more subtle changes were hints too, I began growing my hair out, not letting my facial hair grow back, removing other body hair though not obvious to the point where others may notice, I've been wearing mostly only jeans lately and not shorts even on the hottest of days...tighter jeans too for the most part.
Also all my life I never really had any relationships (even in high school), or intimate interaction with girls. Not because I'm gay, that I am sure of, my preference is women. The reason I realized was because I was unconfident and unhappy as a male and in my current body and it made me timid to pursue a relationship. So I probably have been coming off as quiet or shy, and even uninteresting to other girls but that I can assure you isn't true...it is just my lack of confidence and unhappiness with my current gender and situation in life that makes me that way. Its all of these buried feelings that have shaped me the way I am and made me depressed and unhappy for quite a while. But I am good at hiding that from other people, including family and friends. It wasn't til recently when I came to terms with and accepted I wanted to be female that I have been MUCH MUCH happier and even more outgoing (or at least I think) I think those buried feelings just piled up and exploded, and it turns out now is the point when that is happening. What other reason is there for me to be suddenly researching information on hormonal treatment, surgery, and finding great sites like this? Everything is all clear now and it feels great.
So posting here is the first step to my journey and I want to progress as quick as possible. I know that means I'm going to actually have to let this out to people in the near future and find a therapist to talk to. I also know I am going to have to tell my parents which I'm not looking forward to much, not because I think they will disown me or anything...just for feeling ashamed which even though I know I shouldn't it seems like an inevitable feeling at that time. I am nearly 100 percent sure my parents, and sister will support me when I finally can tell them. My biggest fear is either A. Telling my friends or B. Not telling them but starting HRT and then being around them (obviously they'll no something is up) I have great friends, and while I don't think they wouldn't ditch me as a friend for this it just seems like it will be awkward for them and me for a while until they can accept it. These are all steps and reasons that I joined this site to seek help for. Right now you are the only ones I feel confident talking to and that can help me out, and you all seem really sweet and nice too so I look forward to many great discussions and hopefully making some friends. Sorry for the long intro lol.
