I have been building up to coming out to one of my parents for quite some time (I'm paranoid, so I post about this mostly in the private forums). During all of this, a lot of people have told me how I'll feel after I accomplish the dirty deed. I can't remember exactly who said what in particular, but I've heard from a couple of colleagues, some people at PFLAG meetings, some of my gay friends (who don't know I'm trans--they think I'm coming out just as gay), and a few people here. Many folks have told me that I will feel such a sense of relief. A great weight will be lifted from my shoulders. I'll feel free.

At first I thought it just hadn't hit me yet, but sufficient time has passed, and the relief and wonderfulness haven't really happened. Sure, I'm relieved to have gotten it over with, but I don't really feel any different. I responded to this difficult task exactly as I have responded to other difficult tasks that scared me--"Look, I did it!" But this experience had about as much emotional effect on me as I experienced from buying my own computer stuff (a very spooky proposition for the technically-challenged me) or buying my latest car (first time I've done it with no significant other support) or applying for one of the jobs I have now.

Coming out to even one of my parents was huge, but it has left almost no impression on me. I guess since I don't really have much (or any?) connection with my parents, there wasn't enough at stake for me to feel more relief or triumph. I wanted this to be a life-changing event, but it was such an anticlimax. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm very disappointed. And now I'm self-judging. I feel like an uncaring, insensitive jerk. Only a truly monstrous person would be so untouched by coming out to a parent.

Things are all crazy and mixed up right now, and I don't know what to think.

The way I felt after coming out to people always was so dependent on thier reaction to me.  With my parents it was not all rainbows and unicorns by any means.  It was feeling rejected and misunderstood and lost.  When I told some of my best friends growing up and they were shockingly so empathetic and kind, I felt such amazing humanity and love.

I think you should feel great about yourself for accomplishing something that is very difficult and terrifying, but emotionally I would just expect you to feel however their reaction made you feel.

Anyway, congrats on taking that big step!

Just a reflection Arch. People like you and I who got on with our lives I think reach a point where we totally accept ourselves as the men and women we are. We seek some sort of acceptance from our families but when the crunch comes we don't really need it, and that is what the let down may be.
Younger people in contact and even dependent on family need this so much and I for one are delighted when it happens and saddened when it does not. But my acceptance by family is in fact irrelevant, maybe this is a feeling you are realising.

I s'pose you guys are both right. I received a neutral but kind note from my father, so nothing earth-shattering to buoy me up or drag me down. And I have done fine without him/them for all these years...I was happier that way. I'm leading my life without them. But the big buildup led me to expect so much more.

I've been criticized by other people for being so distant from my parents. I guess those critical voices are popping up in my head and making me feel as if I truly am different. Not for being trans but for being emotionally distant.

I would think the relief is knowing you will never have to stress over doing it again. It is done.

I wouldn't feel bad about it. I think a lot of things in life are anti-climatic, and we all process things differently. For example, I was really disturbed as a teenager when I never cried after my grandpa died, or even feel sad. My attitude was "death is natural, he's not in pain, he didn't suffer an injustice, he's gone so let's move on." I spent years thinking I was a monster. But looking back at it, I was more concerned when he was actually ill, and when he was dead, it was over. It seems, based on your posts, that you were more concerned about all this while it was still in the works. Now that it's done, it's on to the next thing.

I think it's pretty normal not to have a massive response to it, but congratulations on the big step anyway!

I've given this a bit more thought between bouts of syllabus design (I'm way behind on that, ugh). I did put all of my stress and energy into the coming out process while I was doing it, but you would think that the relief would be all that much more palpable after so much stress. I really did agonize--probably more than it was worth.

Maybe it makes a difference that I started my transition years ago and have been living successfully as a man for quite some time. And my parents have absolutely no power to stop me from living that way.

I guess it's not such a big deal--I wouldn't have been expecting a big reaction if quite a few other people hadn't built me up that way. So I'm still disappointed, but I don't feel so much like a monster.

I still have some guilt about my parents; that doesn't help. For a few decades now, I have had a persistent little voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm an ungrateful child and a cruel person and all of that. I would have had it even if other people hadn't been reinforcing it. I escaped the worst of this for twenty years, but I now realize that it's not because I dealt with it, it's because I simply blocked it out. Now it's truly back. One reason it's so strong is that somebody really reamed me a couple of months ago at a meeting. I don't usually listen to public opinion so much anymore, but this guy was reinforcing my own private self-judgment, and it was a very unpleasant and lingering experience that I still grapple with. He basically told me that I was needlessly inflicting all of this horrible crap on my parents and should just leave them alone. Well, I couldn't do that. I had complex reasons for coming out, but the main one was to preserve my own sanity and enable myself to move forward.

I wish that guy hadn't said anything.