So I've been donating blood plasma as an additional source of income. And, today was a donation day...
I just started HRT two days ago, and have no hope at passing yet. So, with the exception of my trips to Chicago to meet with my doctor, or when I'm hanging out with friends who don't care if I pass, I'm still presenting to the world as a male.
Now, as an aside - I've never met another transwoman before. Seen from afar when I lived near San Francisco, sure. Interacted with through the internet, sure. And I know of a number of transmen through other people. But, I've never met another transwoman.
Until today. An interesting quirk of fate had it that the girl who got in line behind me at the plasma donation spot is trans. She was beautiful. I found myself incredibly envious. And as we stood in line it dawned on me that I was staring at her. So I stopped, realizing that if it were me it would make me feel awful. My two days in Chicago last week, as wonderfully liberating as they were to be "me", also drove me to new levels of self consciousness and I became incredibly hyper aware of people looking at me. So I started to ignore her. Then, randomly, she started talking to me about the fact that I was covered in dog hair. Her voice was amazing. I wanted to say "Forget about the pets. How do you sound that awesome? Where'd you get your boots? How long did it take you to get rid of the facial hair? How did you slim down your neck? How do you get your eye makeup so beautiful?" But, I figured all of that would be rude. Especially since I was there as a man. So we talked pets.
After the screening we both ended up in beds next to each other. She joked around with the staff while I made mental notes about her vocal inflictions. Then we both got hooked up to the machines, and she put on her headphones, and I spent my time looking at the machine since it was acting funny.
Normally when the machine acts funny some staff member runs over to correct it. That didn't happen today. I didn't realize until later that they weren't coming over because they were avoiding her.
Because my machine was being screwy, she finished first. So they came over and disconnected her, and after she left they started making fun of her. One of them actually had the nerve to turn to me and say "Did you realize you were laying next to a heshe?"
Now, I'm sad to say I'm generally not the person to stand up for others. Most of the time I don't even stand up for myself. I feel horrible about it constantly, but, lets face it, on some fundamental level I am a coward. It's a big reason why I'm transitioning now as I approach my mid 30s, and not when I was a teenager.
But, this time.. F**k that. I said "I did realize it. And, I hope in time I'll look and sound as beautiful as she does. Now, let me ask you something. Did you realize that in spite of my masculine appearance every article of clothing I'm wearing came from the women's department?"
She turned and walked away. Another employee had to come and disconnect me when I was finished.
And it saddens me. Sure, they were making fun of someone else. But, they were also by proxy making fun of me. And only in my happiest of dreams will I ever look and sound as beautiful as she does. So, that kind of ->-bleeped-<- is what I'm going to have to deal with a LOT.
The thought wearies me. But I've decided next time I go donate, I'm going as a woman. I wont pass. Not even remotely close. And if someone so much as snickers I'm complaining to management.
But, I just wanted to say. To the gorgeous young woman who donated plasma today in West Lafayette, if you're on here, and you read this, I just want you to know you're an inspiration to me.
