I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out what I want to do with all of the stuff swirling around in my head. For the past couple of months, I've been heavily considering transition; you know, constantly scouring sites like this and other places trying to find out what it is that I want. But only recently, I've been having some serious doubts about this. About all of it. And I really don't want to have been wrong about something that I thought I wanted with every ounce of my heart. So I've come here for some guidance. Or at least some opinions.
Let me tell you about myself, first off.
To begin, I'm young. Yeah yeah, I know, pretty young to be considering all of this. Along with that, I only recently realized that I was transgender (within the past year). Or at least think that I'm transgender, at this point. For most of my life, I've always secretly wanted to be female. You know, I've had those times when you're about to go to bed or look at the clock and it's 11:11, and you wish that in the morning you'll wake up, and find yourself the girl you've always wanted to be.
That's happened to me a lot. Sometimes incessantly, in the past. But then it usually ended up going away, and I'd live life like I was supposed to. Yet, deep down, I would always look at other girls my age, and very much envy them. Not necessarily because of the lifestyles they led or the foundations they were placed upon, but their gender. I was envious of their gender, and their sex, but I was neither, and that seemed to bother me incessantly. In my time at middle school, I was often insulted by other students because of how I dressed (I was the stereotypical definition of the "scene kid"). I wore skinny jeans, and grew my hair long in order to portray myself within the archetype that I believed suited me. Yet, I was never satisfied with my appearance, and wished so much that I could just be myself, but a girl, instead. At one time, I was even obsessed with wanting to buy Uggs (I know. Shut up.), and even though I dismissed it by saying, "I just think they're cool", or "they look comfortable", I knew that I was lying to myself, but I didn't know why. I wanted them because I thought they would make me feel more feminine, and I knew that, but I also couldn't admit it to myself.
Once I reached high school, I dropped how I used to be over time, and became sort of a deconstructed version of that part of myself. I became very reserved and shy; preferring to only stick with my closest of friends. It was during this time that I also was introduced to Internet Culture in full, and became a very avid Brony. Also, I should mention this: I'm mostly heterosexual. What I mean by that is: As I currently am, I'm only interested in the female sex. Yet, if I were a natal woman, I would likely consider myself bi. (My sex fantasies mostly involve myself as a female having heterosexual sex). I don't know why this is, but it's always been like that. Anyway, I found my second girlfriend at this time, who I am also still currently in a relationship with and have been for nearly a year and a half. For the entirety of my freshman year at high school, I mostly didn't think too much about wanting to be a girl, however, I expressed these desires through writing instead. Although at the time it was subtle to me, looking back at my writings and fan-fictions, I find that these feelings can be clearly extracted from my fiction. As time went on, I found myself being more and more affected by gender roles, and society's interpretation of gender entirely. I didn't like it, and honestly, it bothered me on a core level.
I then began to wish, and hope, and even dream in some cases, that I could be a girl. And that's when I found out about, or at least educated myself upon the subject of transgender, and how it applied to me. Sometimes, the answer was in plain sight, but I had finally found something that applied to me.
Here's the deal: For most of my life, I've been relatively comfortable in my own skin. I have no intense qualms with the male body, and I am not disgusted with my own genitalia. As far as society is concerned, I'm a white heterosexual male, and for most of my life, that is exactly what I thought I was. You know, other than wanting to be a girl and feeling like I should have something different down there. But then again, I didn't necessarily think that there was anything wrong with that either. It was just a want: something that I honestly didn't think would really affect me, and that I could live my life on the preset that was chosen for me. But then I started thinking, and finding out about HRT, and... suddenly, something that I thought was impossible, or at least something that I would never, ever do... became rather possible. My girlfriend, being very supportive of me, lent me some of her clothes, and even took me shopping in order to find some. That was when I realized that I could be the girl that I always wanted to be: the one that I dreamed about being. And so, for the past few months, I've been spending my time convincing my mom, and my friends, that I was transgender, because I genuinely thought that I was, and still think I am.
But for me, just identifying as female isn't enough. To me, it's a half-measure: a false truth. I feel like I'm telling myself that I'm something that I'm not, yet I also know that I am. And then I started thinking about transition. But now, after talking to my mother about it and everything... I'm starting to have my doubts.
I know, I have time. A whole lot of it. A lot more than some other people. But I have so many fears and so many doubts that have practically derailed me. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have children, yet that could obviously change. I'm not particularly uncomfortable with my assigned gender, and feel that, if I had to, I could stand to keep it. But because I've felt like this my entire life... will it only get worse as I age? Only time would tell, but honestly, I don't want to take any risks in what is, frankly, a very risky situation either way you look at it.
The other day, while walking around in a store with my girlfriend, and seeing her pick out all of her clothes... I almost broke down in the middle of the store. Not because I wanted to necessarily wear the clothes, I wanted to be able to wear them, and be looked upon as just a girl.
Please, if you'd spare your two cents, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my situation.
