i've been feeling sort of confused latley. i am disgusted with my body, but i have a feeling if i was blind and put on birth control my body dysphoria would disappear at least 80%. i've tried to get a clearer idea of what it "feels" like to be male so i can compare that to what i feel, but i have only got nasty responses from offended ftm's. i can't confidently say i feel 100% male because i don't know if what i feel is what a male would feel. i don't have that innate sense of "i am male without a doubt" that i hear so many ftms talking about. I do want to start hrt, but i don't want to look like a typical super manly dude. i could use this preference to hands down say i'm gender queer but this decision may be influenced by not wanting to freak out my family and everybody around me. even though i say all this about not being sure, i am sure, in a sense. i do want to start testosterone, i do want to get chest surgery, the uterous taken out, and i do want bottom surgery sometime in the future. these choices will probably never change.

even though i can't say with complete confidence that i feel male, even though i do not want to look like a huge hair muscular guy, is my choice to transition enough qualify me as ftm? is it alright if i don't say i feel more androgynes than typical ftm, that way i can get testosterone and surgeries allowed a little easier? is it wrong to think that having only me know i'm not "pure male" alright? and lastly, is there some way to find out if what i feel like is what a guy would feel like; a way to have confidence in being a man without feeling like i'm telling a half-truth?

There's no such thing as a "typical" "super manly dude."  Some are very muscular, but most aren't.  Some have facial hair, but most do not (aside from a day of stubble).  The average man is actually much more plain, so fitting in as a man is not as unforgiving as one would think.  Even if women still tend to have a greater variety of socially-acceptable options, most men aren't just one thing.

Within the broader trans community (and from the medical professionals who treat them), there is sometimes an attitude that transmen and transwomen must conform closely with their targeted gender's stereotype.  Without a doubt, this attitude is a harmful one, and it really serves to diminish all men and women.  Manhood and womanhood are broader than that, and people who fall outside the stereotype are still typically accepted in spite of it.  If you're a man deep down, it's not good enough for you to just live as a man -- you must live as the sort of man you hope to be (and that probably involves NOT fitting whatever male stereotype you have in mind).  Tell the whole truth, because you will not be satisfied with anything less.  Amazingly, we've even had a few FTMs who still liked the idea of wearing skirts or dresses (it's not common, but it shows that a small percentage of FTMs can feel the same inclination that a small percentage of cis-males have).

Top surgery is very popular for FTMs, but bottom surgery is usually not recommended.  The surgery is expensive, and it tends to involve more complications than MTF bottom surgery, and the results don't tend to be as good.  Our FTM boards and resources can elaborate on this point.

To me, the true test for being a man, a woman, or something else is to try to remove all the stereotypes and social expectations of sex and gender from your mind.  If you remove all those preconceptions, who do you feel are?  If you don't have an answer now, that is okay, but you want to have an answer that is not grounded in society's idea of men and women.

At times I also feel like I'm only telling half the truth but then I think hard about what the rest of the truth could be and I can't think of anything. I'm not sure yet wether I'm ftm or androgyne, but seeing as I'm happiest when mistaken for a guy and have always been I'm heading in the ftm direction.

Knowing a little bit about your background, QF, from when you first joined, you raise some interesting questions.

It is a matter of filtering out your socialization, which has been strongly male, from your innate identity.  I wish you had access to a gender specialist, and until then, could get on puberty blockers, or birth control (at the very least) to control the periods that give you anxiety.

I feel I have gotten rid of most of my socialization and stereotypes to be honest. ive lived a slightly reclusive lifestyle so far, not that im proud of it but because I do so ive tried many times to actually look at what I feel like and determine if it truly is male. I havent been able to find an answer. I feel alot like freddie feels, like im telling a half truth but the other half is just missing,  or wasnt there to begin with. but still feel quite happy going in the ftm direction, so to speak.

I also do have access to gender specialists. but my biggest fear as of now is telling someone im more androgynous than ftm and have them take it like im not sure that I want to transition then refuse to let me start hormones.

Quote from: Quinnfong on January 12, 2014, 03:39:54 AMI do want to start hrt, but i don't want to look like a typical super manly dude.

What does a "typical super manly dude" look like?

Quote from: Quinnfong on January 12, 2014, 03:39:54 AMeven though i can't say with complete confidence that i feel male, even though i do not want to look like a huge hair muscular guy, is my choice to transition enough qualify me as ftm?

I haven't seen many huge and hairy guys (cis or trans), so I don't think you need to worry about that too much. I think a lack of confidence is normal. You seem pretty confident about wanting to transition.

Quote from: Quinnfong on January 12, 2014, 03:39:54 AMis there some way to find out if what i feel like is what a guy would feel like; a way to have confidence in being a man without feeling like i'm telling a half-truth?

I guess find out what kind of man you want to be. There is no one way to be a man, so I assume there is no one way to feel like a man.

Quote from: Quinnfong on January 12, 2014, 01:57:12 PMbut my biggest fear as of now is telling someone im more androgynous than ftm and have them take it like im not sure that I want to transition then refuse to let me start hormones.

Based on what you've said in the first post, I'd say you don't need to worry. Also, if it makes you feel any better, I started out thinking I was genderfluid and my therapist realized the first day she met me that I am ftm.

thanks edge, even if that wasn't ur intention u've reassured me! 

Hmm.. just scanned this thread pretty fast, but I think I get the jist of it.
The confusion that comes with exploring your gender will usually open up more questions than answers.
Don't know if this helps, but it's a quote from a member here that made me sit and think.
There are so many times that we want to look like who we feel we should.
It takes a lot of effort and time. It's a consuming thing to do, at times.

Gender has no meaning or value if it is counterfeit.
Counterfeit gender is just a game, a trick, an amusement,
an act, a fraud, a deception, an imitation, artificial, bogus.

Be yourself, not a gender.
Being yourself is effortless and genuine.
Being yourself is REAL, not counterfeit.
In being yourself, in behaving in a manner which is natural to you,
whatever gender you are becomes self-evident.

-Emerald

It humbled me to read it, but it also inspired me to be who I am.
Ativan

Quote from: Edge on January 12, 2014, 02:17:05 PM
What does a "typical super manly dude" look like?
I haven't seen many huge and hairy guys (cis or trans), so I don't think you need to worry about that too much. I think a lack of confidence is normal. You seem pretty confident about wanting to transition.I guess find out what kind of man you want to be. There is no one way to be a man, so I assume there is no one way to feel like a man.Based on what you've said in the first post, I'd say you don't need to worry. Also, if it makes you feel any better, I started out thinking I was genderfluid and my therapist realized the first day she met me that I am ftm.

If you don't mind me asking (and if you don't think it will derail the thread), how did she pick up that you were ftm and not genderfluid?

Quote from: CopperCumin on January 15, 2014, 11:47:50 AM
If you don't mind me asking (and if you don't think it will derail the thread), how did she pick up that you were ftm and not genderfluid?

Not sure on the reason exactly, but it might be because at the time, any step toward transitioning made me (and still makes me) happy while every step backward would make me feel miserable and I was happiest when I identified as a guy.

I believe being a man has to do more with how you view yourself and exert that picture onto other people. In other words. Confidence in who you are. Feeling like a man has less to do with physical feeling, but has more to do with mentality. Also, what you look like is nearly pointless in the male world, as long as you have the confidence in yourself and people notice this. You will be accepted. I wont lie, but you might need T and maybe the top surgery to correct your body.