Hi everyone! I've been lurking around the forums for a few weeks, which has been a major help, so thank you all for that!

Firstly, this is most likely going to be less of a "I have a question" kind of thread, and more of a "brain dump"/looking for input kinda deal.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist who I've been seeing for depression and anxiety (which I'm pretty sure stem from my gender) next week, and am thinking about bringing up my gender "issues". She is just a general kinda psychiatrist, specializing in anxiety. So who knows how that could go. Anyway I was just looking to maybe get a little advice on:
A) Would it be worth bringing it up? As she may not know anything about trans* topics.
B) I feel I am a bit of an oddball as far as gender is concerned, and could use some input.

I'm a little new to placing my scrambled thoughts on gender into words, so bare with me if this is a little confusing and long .

I'm male bodied, and long story short, I've been aware of my gender not being quite "right" since around age 12 (I'm 24 now), when puberty started. As far as body dysphoria goes, it's mild. I'm lucky in the fact that I'm only 5'8, quite skinny (around 130 pounds), and have a pretty androgynous bone and (for the most part) facial structure. I only have slight dysphoria as far as my "bits" are concerned. My discomfort is mainly centered around my internal gender identity (which I'll get to in a second), and how others perceive me.

Because I'm not particularly masculine, my dysphoria has been kind of in the background, so I haven't had to confront it until recently. Internally, it gets interesting, so bare with me. I've gone through a bunch of different "labels" trying to find one that fit. I pondered MTF, but I didn't feel super girly, so I wrongly dismissed that. I then thought I was just an androgyne, but that didn't really work, because I definitely felt (mostly) female. Then I fell onto Genderqueer, but I didn't feel quite right with that either. Recently I've been thinking that maybe I am MTF, just not a super girly on the "F" part. The conclusion I've finally come to, is that I'm MTF, but an androgynous tomboy. I think it took so long to come to this conclusion because I didn't think it was an "option", so to speak.

At this point I think low dose HRT would be a good place to start, just to test the waters. Ideally I would like to shift from being read as male, to being read as an androgynous female. The problem here is, makeup would have to be subtle and clothes couldn't be super feminine, so making the subtle shift from being read as an androgynous guy to an androgynous girl could be problematic.

The only think keeping me from wanting to go on HRT, is the risk of my aforementioned "bits" not functioning. (I'm not too worried about sterility, just the rest of the functionality)

For what it's worth, I'm not out to anyone yet.
(Reading back through this, I'm realizing I use a ton of parentheses)

Anyway, I would love some input on anything I've said. It feels good to get all this out of my head. And hopefully this is in the right place.

Thanks

Alex(a)

Welcome 

Im sure its worth letting your therapist know about your gender issues,,,even if she doesnt know how to deal with them herself she will suggest another therapist to you...I think...

You can be mtf and not girly , its absolutely normal...so dont let that slow you down....

about the functioning of you know what....er I dunno im pretty sure that if you want to do things with it then im sure you ll be able to...still forget about morning and unexpected erections...

anyway a gender therapist will really help you sort all of this out

Hi Alexa 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

Yes, HRT will have an effect on the way your body responds sexually, but your interest in the male way of dealing with sex will diminish also. For me, putting a dampener on my sexuality was a very desirable effect of HRT. A lot of other ladies on HRT have said that "absence" allowed them to access a deeper, more female quality to their sexuality.

Having pre-conceptions of how you might present as trans* is fair enough (I myself once saw myself as a non-girly tomboy) but don't let those preconceptions hold you back from really exploring your gender identity. If you're happy then all well and good, but don't force yourself to fit another mould if it isn't, or has stopped, working for you.

But yeah, talk to a gender therapist to help you make more sense of it!

I definitely plan on talking with an actual gender therapist, but unless I come out to my parents, that will probably have to wait until I am out of the house. Either that or find/get referred to a therapist with some experience with gender, but who isn't a "gender therapist" and go under the guise of anxiety.

Thanks!

Edit: I think I'm okay with my views of sex changing into a more female mindset, as I would consider myself a lesbian, and am attracted to females. Which is another thing I, perhaps unnecessarily, worry might change.

Welcome Alexa. Here are my thoughts:
* If you are questioning your gender, by all means bring it up with your therapist. But if he appears not be understanding or encouraging to continue exploring, don't hesitate to look elsewhere.
* HRT does affect "function" in some people. There's no way I can have penetrative sex with a woman now. I have no trouble having orgasms and experiencing sexual pleasure, though, and I'm more than satisfied with what my body can feel. But...
* ...talk of HRT is premature. First figure out what you need.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

If you think your depression, and anxiety may be linked to gender, it should have been the first thing you brought up.

Quote from: Paulagirl on January 16, 2014, 07:22:53 AM
If you think your depression, and anxiety may be linked to gender, it should have been the first thing you brought up.

This connection/realization is quite recent.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 16, 2014, 06:18:08 AM
[snip]* ...talk of HRT is premature. First figure out what you need.[/snip]

Talking about it is part of figuring out what I need, no?

Welcome!

I think that you should definitely move forward with your investigation.  Discuss it with your therapist.  But while you shouldn't delay this journey, you should take it slowly, one step at a time.

I transitioned very late in life and wish dearly that I had started long ago.  But I am glad that - once I finally decided to address my condition - I moved forward in gradual steps with lots of time inbetween to reflect.  As you mentioned, you aren't sure how you will feel and how you will respond to things like HRT.  The most wonderful part of transition (I find) is watching yourself evolve and unfold. 

Good luck with your journey!

Quote from: Alexa on January 16, 2014, 07:30:56 AM
This connection/realization is quite recent.
Talking about it is part of figuring out what I need, no?

Hi, Alexa ...

About a million years ago, when I was 24 - as you are now - I suffered anxiety, depression, insomnia ... and I also had what I now realise were strong feelings of gender dysphoria.

So I went to see shrinks - none of them experts in gender identity. And when I told them how I felt, they assured me that my feelings about gender were just sexual fantasies and had nothing to do with who I really was. So I rationalised this and decided that longing to be female was my defence-mechanism for dealing with bad feelings and stress. Other people might reach for a bottle of booze, or drugs, or some other kind of crutch to support them - I reached for my 'fantasy' world of being female.

It took me literally 25 years to realise I had got the whole thing the wrong way round. I didn't have dysphoria because I was depressed. I was depressed, and anxious and insomniac because I was suppressing the true, female heart of who I really was.

Since I made that discovery, I've lost my wife (who thought she'd married a 'roper' husband), devastated my kids (who thought that had a 'proper' dad) and am about to lose my home. BUT I know who I really am and finally, finally I'm about to do what I could and probably should have done all those years ago: transition.

Now, I'm not saying that you are in the same situation I was. But you could consider it as a possibility. And if, with the help of a therapist who knows about gender issues, you decide that you are transsexual, then my strong advice is to accept and act on that, before you have too much invested in being male, and before other people have invested in you as a husband and father.

If ... IF ... you are transsexual, it won't go away. You can fight it, rationalise it, smother it, deny it ... but it won't go away.

On the other hand, if you accept it and deal with it, you can still have a wonderful life ...

Quote from: Alexa on January 16, 2014, 07:30:56 AM
Talking about it is part of figuring out what I need, no?

Well yes, but a later step. First is deciding what you need. For example, do you want be remain living as a straight male? Or do you need to transition?

first of all, you know what the problem is so that's your starting point with the psychiatrist. There are a lot of good doctors out there and sadly there's some that aren't. Tell the psychiatrist what you problem is straight out , no playing games. Tell  the doctor this is what you need solved. If the doctor stays with the problem, fine because psychiatrists are trained medical doctors , they may not have special training in a particular area , such as trans, but they know the problem and can get you the help you need. It would even be good to reference a time frame for this problem, you want to get to possible solutions as soon as possible, Because you know already what the problem is. Its hard , but you need to be your own advocate.

Like others have said, I can't think of anything more important than for you to discuss this with the Psychiatrist.  Get it out , and discuss the hormones in nearly the same sentence.  You'll feel more free then you've felt in years, and a big part of the disphoria will disappear.  Fear of what others think is a giant weight, and a good way to loose that anchor is to open up.  Just be ready when you go into the office, and bring it up right away. 

Hormones?  Yes, discuss the low dose aspect, but consider they may not be appropriate now, and if they are it may take a few months to get them prescribed.  AND, ask if you should also talk to a gender therapist.  I have both a psychiatrist and gender therapist who sit on the board that coordinates surgery approvals (just a lucky coincidence). 

Wow, Thank you all very much! Most of you mentioned something along the lines of "take it slow". I may have made it sound like I was rushing things in my original post, but I was more "thinking out loud", than outlining solid plans. Anything beyond talking with my therapist is a ways out yet. My thought for hormones, when/if that time comes, would be a very slow transition. This would ideally be after college and after I am at least somewhat independent. Sometimes when the dysphoria is at it's worse, I'm tempted to just say "**** it" and come out. Either that or just up and move to another state with no job and no money. Both would just make things much worse. Anyway, you've all given me reassurance that I should definitely talk this through at my next appointment, even if they don't specialize in gender.

Quote from: Carlita on January 16, 2014, 09:33:26 AM
[snip]before you have too much invested in being male, and before other people have invested in you as a husband and father[/snip]

Interesting you mention that. One thing I've realized quite recently is that I keep everyone at arms length, family and friends alike. I used to think it was just an anxiety thing, but now it feels like it may subconsciously have been a way to keep people from getting too close and either "figuring me out", or becoming friends with the fake "me". That said, the only "investment" I have is family and one close friend.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on January 17, 2014, 05:16:58 AM
Oh yes... But You know (I am speaking from my own experience) - it is easy to maintain that distance between Yourself and other people and dont let anyone in - especially when You are 24 . But with time passing, You suddenly start feeling lonely at times and then one day You might realise that there is someone important in Your life - and You dont even know how did that happen. i did this till I was 30 and then I made one small mistake - well, I dont regret that but I do feel guilty because of failing to meet other peoples' expectations and investments in me.
And yes, it is perfectly alright to be tomboyish MTF - I finally realised that this might be the only option for me (too much of male luggage which wont go away no matter how I'd try) .

Yep, it is quite the lonely existence at times. Part of what has brought all this to the surface quite rapidly is the realization that I've pretty much put my life on hold, as far as potential career and relationships are concerned. Whether that was a conscious decision or not, I'm not sure. I guess one perk to that is, I have very little tethering me down as a "male".

Anyway, sorry If this is turning into a therapy-esque thread, but it has been a big help in clearing my head enough to actually get some concise notes written down for when I go to my therapist.

Talking things out in therapy is always a good idea. A lot of times you can come to conclusions you wouldn't have before. Even if depression and anxiety stem from GID it's not gonna be an easy fix in my experience. Was hoping starting hrt would take the edge off, but while it has made me feel more comfortable I'm still having trouble with depression, maybe less anxiety at least.