Welp, I'm getting exactly what I asked for and i'm not so sure I like it, but I kinda do. haha. In November I made an appt. at the Mazzoni center. Then i came out to my wife of 5 years. From there everything has been going uncontrollably fast. It seems like over night I transferred to a new department at work (so i don't have to shower with men). My wife and i have seperated (although she is super supportive). I for the first time live on my own and i'm almost a month on HRT. I love the effects of it so far but it kills me to know that my wife and step daughter live somewhere else. I know this is what i want. I've had it in the back of my mind since around middle school. But i hate to know that i'm hurting someone. She says i need to stop living to please everyone else and do what makes me happy. I am happy now, but i was happy then too. I wish i could just not feel so bad. I'm sure starting hormones has something to do with me feeling the way i do right now but damn. I'm not sure if i feel so bad because of her or because i'm making a huge mistake. She says the longer i wait to start transitioning the more miserable i'll become. Shes probably right. Sorry this is kinda all over the place. Just had to get it out. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My apartment is in a new area and i'm not out to friends and family yet.

happiness starts with yourself....despite having a happy family life or relationship, it always falls apart when one isn't happy with the person they are.

Unfortunately transition is often the end to one life and the beginning of another.  The ending is usually hard and sad, but the beginning is also brilliant and freeing.  Take the time to mourn what you have lost, and when you've finished, leave it in the past.  Don't let your old life stop you from living your new one

Good luck!

You wrote "She says i need to stop living to please everyone else and do what makes me happy"

She is a very smart women. You are the only one who can make yourself happy in the long run.

I was in your shoes but in a marriage for 25 years. It ended very badly. It tooks time to let the hurt go. With the help of my therapist i moved on into another relationship and then marriage.

Yes the hurt is real. The loss is real. Becoming a women is also real.

Take things day by day. Stay in therapy and keep you eyes open for new love.

Hugs
Izzy

When it becomes "transition or die", the loss still hurts.  It is a credit to you that you feel the pain.  I wish that it was different.

Support is invaluable.  Appreciate it.  She is right.  Be there for her as well.

Hugs,

Jen

Sounds like you have a very wise and mature wife. She is right one two counts: you have to stop living your life to please others and the longer you wait the more miserable you will become.

You're honestly doing everyone a favor because, take it from me, the longer you wait the more unbearable it will become and the more unpleasant it will be for others to be around you.

I know it's not easy, but hang in there. If you would stop and try to work things out with her again, this *will* keep popping back up. It won't go away. Trust me on that.

Jane

thank you all for your advice and support