so i don't know if many of you others have noticed but lately i have been posting as many photos of myself on this website without bringing to much attention, to reassure myself that i will be passable, now i know there are so many people that are just pure overwhelming support and they have been so nice to me when posting but it seems like i have been posting pictures just to get kind words thinking that they will make myself feel better, and lately i have been noticing a frightening change in myself that i am starting to love the attention, unfortunately with most high's there comes a deep low and after the high wears off i feel a desire for more attention. Now i have never wanted to be a trans woman that was an attention whore, and when i see other trans women grasping for attention it looks kind of sad from the outside. I think i need to nip this in the butt, just wondering if anyone else has felt this way before, or if im the only self hating overly vane transgender around? and how have anyone else dealt with it?


im really worried that when i start living full time that i will go crazy trying to steal all the attention, i truly just want to blend in the crowd and not become one of the overly observed women, which i believe will make it harder to pass as female if everyone is looking me over and not just giving me a quick glance and forgetting me in an instant


i hate the voice deep inside of myself that says "i just want to be one of the pretty girls"

Hi Kiaraja! As with anything new we use the heck out of it. We want to show it off, but then one day it becomes familiar and not so important. I think you will be just fine. You are probably enjoying the attention because this is all so new, exciting and a little addictive. After a lifetime of being something other than yourself you are finding your wings and that is OK. I for one am very envious of you except for one thing. My 48 years on this rock has given me the knowledge, confidence and security to go out and live as Jessica Full Time now. I don't worry at all about passing because I honestly believe who I am and it "sells" me to the public and I am one who SHOULD worry about passing. I have not been questioned once or called names yet because I own my femininity deep in my heart and soul. Living life will get you there as well. I for one enjoy your photos because to some point I live through you younger girls. I will never be a young pretty girl with her whole life in front of her so I relish each and every triumph, failure and heart break all of you have. Through you and the others I will have good memories of a life I never had. So keep posting them if it makes you happy. I love to see how you and the others are developing just like a proud parent.

thanks for the kind words, i think you are right about just enjoying the new things in my life, and now that i am finally proud of my appearance im just enjoying the way i feel about myself, and that it will eventually wear off, atleast i hope so, i would hate to look at myself in the next year and come to an epiphany about myself being a vane bitch lol

If I had your looks baby I would be burning out cameras by the dozen. Enjoy it while it is there!

Support is so beautiful! Very passable!

Support is indeed important, get as much as you can...but I would suggest that the key ingredient is self-confidence. Without it passing is difficult, and the more it is missing the harder it is to believe that you pass. The most gorgeous trans woman is going nowhere positive if she doesn't think she is passable. A thousand people can tell her she is gorgeous, that she passes, that she looks more cis than cis and she won't believe them because of insecurity and crippling self-doubt.

It doesn't matter what other people think about your ability to pass, if you don't believe it nothing they say will matter. Why even ask? Confidence is the key. If people tell you that you are passable (and you absolutely look passable to me) then surely you must be...now all it takes is for you to believe in yourself, cast aside the scrutiny and self criticism and then the insecurity melts away! Honest!

You're a goddess, get out there and knock 'em dead!

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 20, 2014, 02:53:14 AM
Support is indeed important, get as much as you can...but I would suggest that the key ingredient is self-confidence. Without it passing is difficult, and the more it is missing the harder it is to believe that you pass. The most gorgeous trans woman is going nowhere positive if she doesn't think she is passable. A thousand people can tell her she is gorgeous, that she passes, that she looks more cis than cis and she won't believe them because of insecurity and crippling self-doubt.

It doesn't matter what other people think about your ability to pass, if you don't believe it nothing they say will matter. Why even ask? Confidence is the key. If people tell you that you are passable (and you absolutely look passable to me) then surely you must be...now all it takes is for you to believe in yourself, cast aside the scrutiny and self criticism and then the insecurity melts away! Honest!

You're a goddess, get out there and knock 'em dead!

i agree with you entirely but im just stuck wondering how is the best way to get my confidence, because that is probably my root issue, does it just come with living full time or does it come from somewhere else? the weird thing is that i can agree that i male fail and i have confidence enough to stave off the weird looks from people, but i am so scared to do so when i present female

This is the one area us older girls have you beat, simply put, life experience. You can't teach it as it is ingrained every day. We have lived long enough to know what is important and what is not. We have seen that through the years, as an example, of how wrapped up in life others are so most of the time they are not looking at you. They are worried about themselves and their problems. It will be hard for you for a while, but some day the light will click on for you as well. Just take our advice, hardly anyone is out there just hoping to out a trans person. Your confidence will come, I promise.

lol i have the confidence, its just not in the right gender, what a waste

Quote from: kiaraja on January 20, 2014, 03:07:59 AM
lol i have the confidence, its just not in the right gender, what a waste

I  know that feel 

Confidence doesn't happen overnight, but believing in yourself is the first important step. I gather that you're part time already...going out a bit or a lot? Is it all situations that make you feel uncomfortable or some of them? Anything specific? What is it about them that makes you doubt yourself, is it self criticism, is it people looking at you (maybe they're staring because they like the look of you!) or just an unconfirmed belief you stick out like a sore thumb.

I went out for the first time last week (a first for my second transition) - one of my greatest insecurities used to be my height (6'3"), but I made sure I acted natural and just owned the space I moved through. I surprised myself. During my first transition I couldn't believe I would ever pass, even after I'd reached the point of male fail. It took me many years after that to get my confidence, and the difference couldn't be more stark. I suppose at the core of that is also an attitude of not caring what other people think!

Quote from: kiaraja on January 20, 2014, 03:07:59 AM
lol i have the confidence, its just not in the right gender, what a waste

It is funny, but the thing that totally freaks me out now is the thought of going out male! OMG I would never pass now. That will be a big one for the therapist on Wednesday!

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 20, 2014, 03:20:08 AM
Confidence doesn't happen overnight, but believing in yourself is the first important step. I gather that you're part time already...going out a bit or a lot? Is it all situations that make you feel uncomfortable or some of them? Anything specific? What is it about them that makes you doubt yourself, is it self criticism, is it people looking at you (maybe they're staring because they like the look of you!) or just an unconfirmed belief you stick out like a sore thumb.

I went out for the first time last week (a first for my second transition) - one of my greatest insecurities used to be my height (6'3"), but I made sure I acted natural and just owned the space I moved through. I surprised myself. During my first transition I couldn't believe I would ever pass, even after I'd reached the point of male fail. It took me many years after that to get my confidence, and the difference couldn't be more stark. I suppose at the core of that is also an attitude of not caring what other people think!

well i have never been out in public presenting female ever, new years was gonna be my first but i wussed out, but i really don't have that attitude of  not caring what other people think, i believe its because in my boy mode i just feel like im just using an avatar and i don't care about this fake personality, but my female side is my true side and that if people reject me when im presenting female, it becomes very real that they are truly rejecting me and that scares me

im a tough girl though so i think when i start presenting in public i will get over my fears and get confidence quickly enough

It's possible your first time out was too big - sure new years is fun, what better way to bring it in than to party in girl mode. But maybe try something smaller first - go out with one or two supportive girlfriends to a safe place... you won't know until you try.

Quote from: kiaraja on January 20, 2014, 04:07:58 AM
well i have never been out in public presenting female ever, new years was gonna be my first but i wussed out, but i really don't have that attitude of  not caring what other people think, i believe its because in my boy mode i just feel like im just using an avatar and i don't care about this fake personality, but my female side is my true side and that if people reject me when im presenting female, it becomes very real that they are truly rejecting me and that scares me

im a tough girl though so i think when i start presenting in public i will get over my fears and get confidence quickly enough

You have to love the person you are. That's where confidence comes from. Love yourself, flaws and all.

Yep, confidence is a huge key to passing. One way to develop it (besides age) is to just go out there in girl mode and experience it. I forced myself to go to all kinds of different places in girl mode (some places were very uncomfortable but none were dangerous), and each trip increased my confidence because nothing happened. As someone else noted most people are too wrapped up in their own selves to care much about a random trans person that happens by. People just accepted me as Eva.

Even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd been clocked people were gracious and still used female pronouns. Each clocking helped me to examine what I might have done to get clocked, and helped me learn how how to deal with that feeling when it happens because it's gonna happen.

I believe that confidence radiates. People can tell a confident person and they are far less likely to say something to a confident person if that person is owning it.

Well, yes, one needs to pass to themselves and accept themselves first before they can pass to another human being. And it's more than just a static two-dimensional image of oneself that represents just a tiny keyhole view. It's the whole nine yards, the belief in oneself, the connection of female mind to external representation, posture, mannerisms, voice and speech patterns, dress sense, hair and a multitude of nuances. You're only going to know and be able to accept yourself by getting out there and learning to not fear to be you. It doesn't happen overnight. The sooner you start, the sooner it happens.

Wow, the other ladies pretty much said everything I was going to say.

For me, male fail happened in my head long before it did physically (if it has really even happened yet) and I owned the femme presentation shortly after I stopped caring about what anyone else thought.

Confidence, mannerisms and demeanor will sell it even if you have a 5 o'clock(ed) shadow.  A really cute outfit and just the right lipstick is also a knock-em-dead confidence booster. 

I've been everywhere now, and nothing really bad has ever happened to me.   And I mean public women's showers sort of everywhere.

And for the record, I am 6'2" and built like a weak side outside linebacker.  Wait, I was one once upon a time...

One other thing I'd suggest is that you not get completely caught up in looks, yes they are definitely important but they are not the only thing, nor are they the be all and end all. Posture, mannerisms, demeanour, voice... it's all important and all paints a much larger picture than any photo by itself ever will. Women come in all shapes and sizes (to look at them some cis women don't even pass as women!), but they are comfortable in their bodies and their gender and that's what ultimately makes them women.

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 20, 2014, 03:34:20 PM
One other thing I'd suggest is that you not get completely caught up in looks, yes they are definitely important but they are not the only thing, nor are they the be all and end all. Posture, mannerisms, demeanour, voice... it's all important and all paints a much larger picture than any photo by itself ever will. Women come in all shapes and sizes (to look at them some cis women don't even pass as women!), but they are comfortable in their bodies and their gender and that's what ultimately makes them women.

Put so perfectly, Grace.  BTW- I don't know what's prettier in your avatar pic, your dress or your smile.