I'm struggling with this, it may be cathartic for me.

And triggering for many

Those who know part of my journey your thoughts please

Cindy 

If you think it will be therapeutic, then yes.

Spilling guts is not pretty though.

As you know in part they are repulsive

You know part of it.

Out with girl.

Yes I know, just as you know some of mine which is bad as well.

PM me if you wish or call.

Quote from: Cindy on January 22, 2014, 04:51:43 AM
As you know in part they are repulsive

You know part of it.

Yes, but they can be a cancer too.

I just want you to find that peace of mind you deserve.  Nothing has been easy.

As the saying goes "Better out than in"... just don't get any on your shoes... 

If you think it will help by all means do so.It has been known to work well

If it is what you think best after weighing all the options, go for it. You have support! 

the more people carry the same burden, the lighter it becomes to carry.
natural laws should agree with me on this. plain logic should too.

it's scary to share a dark past, i can see many reasons why it could be.
but i think there will be more positive than negative to gain from doing it (says the coward who hasn't really dared try it yet...)

trigger warnings would be good, though. so people can choose whether they want to read or not.

If it'll help, go ahead. If you're not sure if it will help, might as well try it.

Nothing looks as scary when it's out in the open. Demons flourish in dark spaces. I'm on the side of dragging these monsters out and shining some sun on them.

I'll read every word.

I know the bits you let out, like most people.

I think you should let it all out. Despite your past, you've survived, adapted and overcome.. In the end, you've flourished in to a woman of character and strength. A woman I'm honoured to know.

We all have our demons. Sometimes we need to let them out, it's the only way to defeat them.

I think that you should  let it out Cindy, maybe in the "just for us" forum if you want to limit the exposure, and maybe leave the thread up only for a short period of time. We all have demons of one sort or another, you will receive nothing but support for posting about yours, and you'd be confronting them head on which seems to be what they deserve since they have been torturing you a lot lately.

The light disinfects the dark. You deserve release from the past.

My .02

I've been having thoughts of a similar nature myself, lately. But I've decided not to, for the time being. I have somewhat of an idea of the internal battle which is going on inside you, regarding what you want.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, because it's a big thing either way. Once something is said, it can't be unsaid. But maybe that's for the best, and demons can be laid to rest. It's a choice only you can make, Cindy.

What I will say, however, is that the fact you posed the question leads me to believe that somewhere inside you, you already know the answer.

*big hug*

I know a lil bit of what I believe you want to lay out on the table per se. And while some may not want to see or read it I for one will support you either way. If this is something that is poisoning your sould then it clearly is something you need to let go and discard it. One thing that has always impressed me about you here as well as other moderators on this forum is you aren't like some super human  that is an inpenetrable rock. You show your emotions and cares, the feelings and the way the words are written express that and shows to the other forum users that you are very much human, and allows the others someone who they can relate. And like I said your not Inpenetrable dear your a human with feelings and a soul, you have helped so many for so long, allow those of whom you have helped to now try and help you.
I love you sis but I hurts me to see this pain that has ahold of you. I want you to do what you feel you need to do I your heart. We all care about you here and we will still be here after if you decide to talk about it, we ain't goin anywhere girl!

I do not know your story, Cindy.  But your post resonates for me personally.

Within the past year I have had to unload a lot of well buried emotions, feelings, desires ... many things of which I was deeply ashamed.

The process continues.  And will for some time.

I have found that I absolutely had to open up to one other person at first about even the ugliest of these secrets.  This provided much relief in & of itself.

For much of what I had unburied, it became necessary for me to admit that part of myself to a few people who are close and who will not harm me.

Through that process, I have found myself able to expose some of what had formerly been shameful to me in a more public setting (eg: here).

As I release myself from the obligation to hide the uglier parts of my personal history, I am finding myself feeling much, much better.  I no longer feel crushed by the immense weight of the shame of my secrets.  At least, not all of them.  There are a few left, and those I really do feel.  Perhaps this is why I have had a few dreams recently where I have felt overwhelmed by a mass of many small objects falling on & around me.

If the journey you are presently on is anything like mine, then I suspect you will reach a point where the only option left is to unload everything that has been exposed.  There does not seem to be a reliable or safe way to return it all to whence it came.

Be well.  Look after yourself.

Tessa

You feel if you expose your scars to the light you make yourself vulnerable to whatever backlash you imagine may result.  You feel so fractured you just know the smallest thing will shatter you or, at best, weaken you even further–but it is the opposite.   Your scars and your fears are monsters wrapped around your soul, which thrive on darkness, corrupting you from the core.  Exposing them to the light is how you defeat them.  Getting them out vaporizes them, and free of their grip, your soul finally has a chance to heal.  And you will heal and become strong again.

It's like, when you harbor something—whether envy, or resentment, or terrible feelings born of terrible circumstances—it is inside of you, a part of you.  That is what harboring means, letting a foreign object be a part of your collective whole.  We do ourselves so much harm by holding onto the black bile inside of us.  Harbor only good things that make you better.

It does need to be jettisoned, but you do need to pick a safe place to unload it though.  These forums may or may not be that place. 

Honestly, if it makes you feel better to get things out, then you should do that.

I find that whole "worrying about triggering others" thing to be odd.

The way I see it, if someone else takes something that has nothing do with them and then tries to flip that around and say to the poster: "don't say that because it triggers (whatever) for me"...well, THAT person needs to quit being so self-centered and take into account that it's about the poster at that point and not about them at all.

That's just how I see it.

If you need to unload we are here.

What seamed impossible to me last year this time is actually able to be done.

What I hid, feared and regretted and was impossible to think of in entirety has been said in most part.

I can forgive myself for the torment and put to rest the past.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 22, 2014, 09:05:29 AM
I've been having thoughts of a similar nature myself, lately. But I've decided not to, for the time being. I have somewhat of an idea of the internal battle which is going on inside you, regarding what you want.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, because it's a big thing either way. Once something is said, it can't be unsaid. But maybe that's for the best, and demons can be laid to rest. It's a choice only you can make, Cindy.

What I will say, however, is that the fact you posed the question leads me to believe that somewhere inside you, you already know the answer.

*big hug*

This

and this

Quote from: Jen on January 22, 2014, 03:37:53 PM
You feel if you expose your scars to the light you make yourself vulnerable to whatever backlash you imagine may result.  You feel so fractured you just know the smallest thing will shatter you or, at best, weaken you even further–but it is the opposite.   Your scars and your fears are monsters wrapped around your soul, which thrive on darkness, corrupting you from the core.  Exposing them to the light is how you defeat them.  Getting them out vaporizes them, and free of their grip, your soul finally has a chance to heal.  And you will heal and become strong again.

It's like, when you harbor something—whether envy, or resentment, or terrible feelings born of terrible circumstances—it is inside of you, a part of you.  That is what harboring means, letting a foreign object be a part of your collective whole.  We do ourselves so much harm by holding onto the black bile inside of us.  Harbor only good things that make you better.

It does need to be jettisoned, but you do need to pick a safe place to unload it though.  These forums may or may not be that place. 

Two very wise ladies there.

As for me Cindy, you know I will support you either way. Like others said, I know some and what I know is heart wrenching. I can also see how it may be triggering to the other survivors here. But a trigger warning should be fine.

I also know what these night terrors are costing you. You have demons that appear in the night and when that happens I don't know what to do, or how to help. So, as a friend, I'm open and enthusiastic to anything that may help. I love you Cindy and I am here. Sometimes as mods and admins, we hold stuff in and are afraid to show weakness or the darker sides of our lives. But, Susan's Place is first and foremost, a support site. As an admin, I don't want mods to hold back. This is as much your support site as anyone else's. And especially you my dear, who has given so much to this place. You need support. We are here for you.

If you decide not to post on the forums, you know I will be there in private to listen as will no doubt countless others. We love you and we are here. We just want our Cindy to be okay. We don't want her to have nightmares anymore!