Hi all.

First of all, apologies if I've posted this in the wrong place, wasn't too sure where to post it!

Anyway, recently I've been wondering if I'm transgender, but I'm really not sure I am. So I was hoping that someone here may feel or have felt the same way I do and could maybe offer some advice. And if not, well, perhaps this thread might be helpful for someone with similar issues who may join later.

Ok, I guess I should start off with some of the reasons why I feel I might be:
- I have never really felt like I fit in with other guys. I'm ok around some, but very masculine men I find somewhat intimidating and I see little in them that I recognise in me.
- I generally find girls easier to get along with and I'm always secretly happy when I can hang about with just my female friends without my male friends about.
- I really love the way beautiful women look. Ok, so do 95% of guys But I feel while I find them desireable, I would also really like to look like them. Have long hair, a soft face, slim shoulders, slender arms and fingers, long shaved legs.
- On the other hand, although I can see objectively that some men look good, I never feel the urge to look like one. I've never wanted to copy the latest male hairstyles or wear the latest clothes. They just don't seem very... me. Also I think men look best when they're fairly buff. I do weights and although I'm not buff I have noticed a bit of development in my pecs and arms. And while objectively I think it looks good, again it doesn't really feel like how I want to look. But I don't want to look like a scrawny guy either.
- I figured perhaps I may just have a crossdresser fetish. I bought women's underwear once and tried it on. At first I kinda liked it, but then I looked in the mirror and just saw a bulky, hairy guy wearing woman's underwear. I didn't want to look like that.
- And that's another issue, I hate how hairy I am and my broad back - I couldn't even get the bra on over that.
- I love the idea of wearing woman's clothes. But not on this body.
- I hate how I look and act and have no dating confidence.
- I fantasise about looking like a woman and I find the idea arousing.

Here's why I think I might not actually be transgender. Note these are my hang-ups, I'm not for one moment trying to suggest any of this is true of all people with gender identity disorder:
- I was bullied somewhat as a kid and have social anxiety issues. Maybe this explains my discomfort around masculine guys and while I feel more comfortable around girls and why I'm bad at dating.
- I'm not sure I feel like the typical idea of "a woman trapped in a man's body". It seems to be the look and outward behaviour of being a woman that appeals to me. Is there something more I should be feeling?
- While the idea of being a beautiful woman appeals to me, the idea of being an ugly woman does not at all. But surely if I was transgender I would be happy just to be a woman?
- I actually don't hate having a penis. It's one of the few things I don't hate about my body. The idea of SRS doesn't terrify me, but I could never imagine going through it.
- This is a recent feeling. Or at least it's only recently that I've been thinking that this might be what's causing problems in my life. Whenever I read of transgender cases, they always seem to say they've known since a small child that they were not being raised the right sex. This is not true of me. I was always happy enough to be a boy when younger. I've never even considered I was transgender until maybe a couple of years ago.
- I'm not sure I should mention this here, but I suppose it helps paint the complete picture so I guess I should admit that I enjoy pre-op transsexual porn. This makes me wonder if I'm just a fetishist.

Even if I were to accept I am actually transgender, I have a number of issues about acting on it:
- Several of my friends and family would disown me. Others would accept it, but I think they'd all treat me differently or get embarrassed by me and I'm not sure I could bear all that.
- The health risks of transitioning scare me. In particular (if I understand correctly) if I did not want to go through castration I'd have to use high doses of hormones indefinitely.
- I have the sad feeling I'd never look like my idea of a beautiful woman. I looked at the before and after threads here though and they gave me hope.
- I'm 28 now and I doubt I'd be prepared to begin transitioning any time soon. Am I leaving things too late?
- There's always the threat of mistreatment by bigots
- Perhaps it would damage my confidence further?
- The idea of losing sexual function would worry me. Yet I'm too masculine to pass without hormones.

Sorry to unload all this, but these issues have been weighing heavy on my mind for some time and I've had no-one to talk to about it all. I hope I haven't offended any of you, and would be grateful for any replies. I feel a lot better having just typed all this.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
Here's why I think I might not actually be transgender. Note these are my hang-ups, I'm not for one moment trying to suggest any of this is true of all people with gender identity disorder:
- I was bullied somewhat as a kid and have social anxiety issues. Maybe this explains my discomfort around masculine guys and while I feel more comfortable around girls and why I'm bad at dating.

Maybe, but it doesn't usually get people to question their gender. I've heard it said that people who are not trans, pretty much never question their gender.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
- I'm not sure I feel like the typical idea of "a woman trapped in a man's body". It seems to be the look and outward behaviour of being a woman that appeals to me. Is there something more I should be feeling?

No. Not at all. I've been happily living as a woman for most of a year, and I NEVER felt like a woman trapped in a man's body. There is so much variety to our experiences, that there is almost nothing about which could be said "I never felt ... so I'm probably not trans."

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
- While the idea of being a beautiful woman appeals to me, the idea of being an ugly woman does not at all. But surely if I was transgender I would be happy just to be a woman?

No. No one wants to be an ugly anything.

BTW, all women are beautiful, though for some the beauty takes special vision to see.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
- I actually don't hate having a penis. It's one of the few things I don't hate about my body. The idea of SRS doesn't terrify me, but I could never imagine going through it.

A whole lot of trans women never get SRS. I've never hated my penis. I probably will have SRS, but not because I hate what I have, but because it's not what I'm supposed to have.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
- This is a recent feeling. Or at least it's only recently that I've been thinking that this might be what's causing problems in my life. Whenever I read of transgender cases, they always seem to say they've known since a small child that they were not being raised the right sex. This is not true of me. I was always happy enough to be a boy when younger. I've never even considered I was transgender until maybe a couple of years ago.

No. Not at all. I first thought I might be trans at age 50. For a lot of people here it was even later.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
- I'm not sure I should mention this here, but I suppose it helps paint the complete picture so I guess I should admit that I enjoy pre-op transsexual porn. This makes me wonder if I'm just a fetishist.

You enjoy what you enjoy. Has nothing to do with being trans.

Quote from: Kieran on January 16, 2014, 06:37:22 PM
Even if I were to accept I am actually transgender, I have a number of issues about acting on it:

Your jumping the gun. Understanding you're trans doesn't mean you must transition. We all decide what's right for us. The next steps are to talk to a gender therapist and to try and see what feels right. I tried dressing and going out as a woman, and that helped me discover my own needs.

Good luck. Kieran. We'll try to answer whatever questions you have.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 16, 2014, 08:00:47 PM
Your jumping the gun. Understanding you're trans doesn't mean you must transition. We all decide what's right for us.

This is probably the most important thing here...
There are some people who feel they would rather be one gender or the other but decide they don't want to transition. Nothing wrong with that.
I would put some serious thought into it thought and talk with someone if you can.

I fought with myself for about 7 years before coming out.. I wish I said something sooner, if I had I'd already be on HRT and be a much happier person.
Do what's right for you, after all.. only you'll know for sure.

Thanks for the responses girls, it really means a lot to me. I suppose I am jumping the gun with a lot of this but I've had these thoughts churning in my head for sometime without anyone I was comfortable to offload them on so I kinda just let it all out here. All the more reason I should speak to a therapist I guess!

I'd like to ask a few questions, if I may.

Suppose, somewhere down the road, you were able to be who you fantasise about looking like. The picture you have in your mind's eye. Let's say... hmm... 5 years from now. My question is: what do you see your life being like? How do you think you would feel? What sort of life do you see yourself living?

What do you think would be different about you with regard to how you interact with the world? Your outlook? Would anything have changed in the way you feel about yourself, other than physically?

Sorry, I'm just curious. I like seeing how people think.

That's a very good question and not one I find easy to answer. In some respects I feel I'd be happier. I could look in the mirror and like who was staring back, I could wear what I wanted, I would find people easier to talk to. But I'd probably be alone - I think I'd lose most of my friends and family and I doubt I could make many new friends. I'd probably dislike my job as much as I do now and I'd probably feel my colleagues were laughing at me behind my back. Dating would probably be even more awkward than it is already. So would I be happier? Probably not 

Kieran,
Lots of amazing people here in the forums.. you came to the right place.
I would really think about talking to someone and do some therapy.
I will tell you that for me.. and everyone is different.. I knew very young.
Transition for some is an only alternative to just not being around any more.. that's what happened to me...I lost the will to live if I could not fulfill my identity but I fought way to long and even now.. I see a therapist regularly... twice a month now...
So, you sure are asking all the right questions... I hope you find clarity. good luck
Carrie

Thanks Carrie

I can relate to a lot of these feelings. I have had a very strong desire to transition for a while now after about 18 months of crossdressing. Likewise, I lived a perfectly (well, not perfect, but you know what I mean) happy life as a boy for 22 years. I didn't experience dysphoria until I decided for myself to transition just recently.

I didn't dislike being a boy, true, but I have a burning desire to know what it's like to be a girl. As a child I would routinely pick girl or androgynous characters in video games, created and role-played as countless female personas online once I realized it was a possibility, and was convinced in high school that I had kleinfelters' syndrome. This drives me to the conclusion that rather than feeling like I'm supposed to be a girl, that it's the trans experience that I'm actually seeking. Had I been born a girl, I am pretty confident I'd be contemplating transitioning still. There's a whole other side of the universe I could be missing out on! I may only live once, but transitioning is like taking on a new life and it excites me.

I do fear fallout, though. A botched surgery, relationships which don my survive the transition, or mistreatment by less understanding and open-minded individuals. Ultimately, we must weigh the pros and cons, though, and decide for ourselves. For me, I've already done much of the social work of transitioning and just need to grow into the role of being a girl and work towards achieving the persona, which I see as an exciting adventure which enriches my life and makes me all the more interesting and compassionate of a person.

Just thought sharing my thoughts on transitioning could help you feel that there is no single way to be trans.

Another question, if that's okay.

What do you feel is important to you in your life? What matters to you?

hi Kieran,
fealings and emotions are very strange although common still very different, and identifying how i feel regarding a simular if not the same feeling will have different approach to dealing with that than the path that is right for you. what I found though for sure is that the answers to all of those questions only can be answered by me. a good therapist and or phsycologist (i use both) can really open the doors to help you realize many things about yourself that will help you clearly identify what your comfort level is and what you want to do with your life. without that guidance i would very likely be dead or curled up in corner somewhere slowly killing myself, which really has nothing do with transtioning for me but realizing that who I was is toxic, with the guidance of my church, spiritual leadership, therapy and a few good doctors I was able to come to terms with the fact that I am and always have been a female, and not doing anything with that drove to actions that did not work out so well,
anyways on the wiki there are lists of some good therapist that are familar with helping you extract the answers to your questions good luck and best regards for you in that endeavor, feel free to ask anything any time of me and i will try to give honest advice or explain how or what I have done to help me.

Jerri

Thanks Jerri, everyone here is so helpful and friendly  I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Sephirah, you ask some tough questions! That's actually something I have always had a problem with - what is important to me, and what should be important to me. A lot of things that people seem to aim for don't seem worth it to me and the things I do care about don't generally tend to stand up to much scrutiny. I guess I'm suffering a bit from existential despair at present. I'm not really into my career though I have what most would describe as a good job. I recently started doing a part-time degree in philosophy, hoping to get back into academia but I'm actually finding it a bit depressing at present. I have political opinions but I find debating politics itself soul-destroying - everyone is just so selfish and single-minded. Having friends is important to me, probably because I had few as a kid though I think I'm reaching the age where friends are more interested in relationships and families. One thing I really care about is the happiness of my little sister. I'd be worried about transitioning for that reason - she'd accept me but I think she'd miss her big brother.

Fiona, I know what you mean about picking female characters in video games. I used to think I liked to do it just to be contrary but I did find a lot of them just plain cooler than male options. I also kinda understand what you mean about wanting to see the other side of things - though I'm not sure I've ever really experienced the male side of things in the first place to be honest! Anyway it's nice to hear from people who are maybe less traditionally trans (if there is such a thing!)

Wow, sounds like you and I have a lot in common!

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 22, 2014, 03:53:08 PM

QuoteLast year I seem to recall that if I had been watching porn, I'd actually be having thoughts of feeling more like I wanted to look like the woman, than...uh...being with her (apologies for the graphicness!)

Lol, no need to apologise to me considering what I admitted in my first post! I know what you mean though, I've often found the female role in sex and particularly in kissing appealing.

Quote'Normal' CIS people don't question their gender, at least thats what I keep getting told.

Yes, I find that interesting too.

QuoteAsk yourself this - If someone offered you a pill that you could take now, and wake up as a beautiful woman for life, would you take it? My answer was yes.

I'm less sure. If I were living in a bubble then definitely, but I keep thinking how such a change would affect my life and I can see both positive and negative.

QuoteI'm a person who likes to work things out quite logically, and it's been a case of if I don't have hard evidence, I find things very hard to admit

I'm so glad you said that, the same is true of me. Do you tend to be quite a cautious person too?

QuoteFor me, one minute I'm certain I am, the next minute I'm certain I'm not. It's a pain in the ass really.

Again I very much identify here!

QuoteThe best thing you can do, is take your time. Ideally you want to work it out as soon as possible, but rushing into it could be the worst decision you ever make. I decided to do something that would help if it turns out that I am transgender - start an exercise plan to get your body 'prepped' for HRT. Basically weight loss, not muscle gain. This is, from what I've read, something you want to do before HRT as it helps when fat gets redistributed.

Yeah I've started to do a bit more cardio and I'm not being so intense on the weights. It's a bit hard as I go training with my friend and I like to do the same kinda things he does. I also far prefer doing weights to cardio!

QuoteCould I ask you one question, as this is one that I've asked myself - for me, it made me feel depressed, the thought that I'd live in my current form forever. If that depresses you, or makes you feel down, I'd put an uneducated bet on you having your answer.

Yes, it does depress me and I'm finding it worse the older I get.

QuoteIf you found out right now that you are not transgender, you'll never be, or look anything like a woman, and will forever live as a man, with your current traits, and crossdressing - would you be happy with this outcome?

I doubt it. Crossdressing wouldn't even make me feel better as it makes me feel more depressed.

It is funny, but as many posters already said - I could subscribe my previous experiences to about 95% of what You said .

Thanks Emily, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling these things

I'm in a very similar situation as well. I'm nearly the same age as you (1+ years older) also and still deciding (well, technically I started a bit to transition already, growing long hair, etc..). I don't have too many friends or family in my life unfortunetly, so I'm not too worried about losing that, but I do very much fear being laughed at or harassed by others. My co-workers (only the females) are already annoying me about my hair length. Like you, i don't HATE my penis, i just hate my overall male looks and appearence. I watch porn quite a bit still and I'm always the girl role. If I do decide to transition I would go all the way though, personally I just wouldn't feel right being a hot babe with a penis, so it would have to go. I didn't question gender or anything until middle school and many other people didn't question theirs until much later in life. You definitely need to give all of this more thought though (as do I) since you seem so unsure. I'm starting to see someone next week about this and I think you need to start seeing someone as well. In the end though, the only one who can decide this is you and only you. You're definitely not alone though in your thinking! Hope this helps...

-Kelly

This may sound a bit strange but it sort of helped me.

Now I am an attractive, fun woman with a full life, people who love me and lots of people I love and care for.

What happens when I'm old? What happens when I need a retirement home , aged care facility? When I need help people to look after me.

Do you want to be an old woman or an old man?

How do you want to live, with all the problems and all the issues that both men and women have.

No you will (probably) never be a Victoria Secrets model, at best you will be just another woman in the crowd. Nothing special about you, no signs saying how wonderful you are. Just another person among the other billions of people.

Who do you want to die as?

Those are good questions, Cindy and I'm not sure I have good answers to them. No, the idea of being an old woman does not appeal at all, though the thought of growing old in general terrifies me.

I'm not sure whether I would prefer to live as a woman with all the issue women encounter. I suppose I'm more concerned about the issues trans people deal with and haven't really thought about the issues I might encounter if accepted as a woman.

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 22, 2014, 03:53:08 PMI've always felt something not 'quite right' but have never, ever thought about it enough to take action. I never for a second thought I was a woman in a mans body when I was young.

Same here.

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 22, 2014, 03:53:08 PM- 'Normal' CIS people don't question their gender, at least thats what I keep getting told.
- Ask yourself this - If someone offered you a pill that you could take now, and wake up as a beautiful woman for life, would you take it? My answer was yes.

My answer by now would be: I'd seriously consider it.  (Being the risk-averse type, I'd want to look at all the possible bad outcomes.)

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 22, 2014, 03:53:08 PM
I ...  have tried posting on forums, chat rooms, etc to work out how I can determine if I am or aren't transgender. I cant get that answer, and to be honest, I dont think I ever will. It's the sort of thing only you can decide.

For me, one minute I'm certain I am, the next minute I'm certain I'm not. It's a pain in the ass really.

Same here.

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 22, 2014, 03:53:08 PMIf you found out right now that you are not transgender, you'll never be, or look anything like a woman, and will forever live as a man, with your current traits, and crossdressing - would you be happy with this outcome?

Well, I'm not happy now.  Mostly just marking time until I die.  But I don't know if that's because I have to live it out as a man, or just because that's who I am.  (My dad, sometime after he was 70, seemed like he didn't care if he lived or died.  I'm afraid I'm following in his footsteps.)

I do know I (usually) feel much happier in a dress or a skirt, something soft or frilly or "feminine," and when I have to wear pants, the usual male drag, I feel like I'm being locked up.  My fantasies (the stories I write for myself) all seem to be about being turned into a girl or woman, or about men living a "feminine" role (probably more than I could actually stand to do in real life.)

I used to think I was a cross-dresser, but I've looked at a number of cross-dressing forums, and what they do somehow just isn't me.

I have to say, if I knew I was going to be reincarnated after I die, and could choose which sex to be born as, I'd definitely want to be a girl.

I have a friend that thought he was a ->-bleeped-<- but it actually turned out he hated himself and who he was. And by being a woman he was able to because a different person and basically start over.  But he realized self loathing doesn't leave just because you start living opposite from how you were physically born.  Do you think you are just trying to escape being the person you are right now and wanting to be a new person?  And you said you would lose many of the people that care about you if you switched.  Well in my honest opinion they don't really care about you if they would just cast you out of their lives for that.  So to me they are just pretending and going through the motions of caring cuz if they really did they would get over it and still be in your life.  it may take a while but they will get over it.  thats just my view.