the ftm's have that awe full periodic bleeding and cramps, but the mtf's have this continuous lump of protruding flesh between their legs. It's an ever awareness of some thing so unwanted.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 23, 2014, 12:51:21 PM
the ftm's have that awe full periodic bleeding and cramps, but the mtf's have this continuous lump of protruding flesh between their legs. It's an ever awareness of some thing so unwanted.

If only we could trade. I feel just empty without a penis.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on January 23, 2014, 12:55:33 PM
If only we could trade. I feel just empty without a penis.

believe me I feel so empty with out a vagina

Quote from: overdrive on January 23, 2014, 12:48:21 PM
Thats great you are coming out now and it sounds like you have a very supportive loving mother. Even if the conversation seemed to end rather quickly, her saying she supports you no matter what is HUGE!

I came out much later in life (in my 30s). I always wished I was a guy but trans wasn't something that really was known when I was younger. I know people have had SRS years before I was born but it was something that wasn't talked about and to many of us didn't even know was a thing. I just remember people telling me I would get used to it and it was just adjusting to my body and changes as I progressed through puberty.

I really don't have any top dysphoria but my bottom dysphoria is off the chains. I really want to get a Reelmagik but I also want an STP or at least a bottom tab so there isn't any accidental touching of female parts when I get intimate with someone. I've been holding out for a while but still nothing. The day Reelmagik comes out with it is the day I order, just not sure if I can wait until then. So I can understand where you're coming from.

Thanks a lot.

I want to get prosthetics as well. Once I have the chat with my mom, I'll ask her if I can order some online.

I have top dysphoria but it's not as bad as my bottom dysphoria. I hate having boobs obviously but luckily I'm flat chested so they're too noticeable. I don't have binders atm so I wear training bras. I've always been fascinated with having a penis ever since I was little.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on January 23, 2014, 01:00:26 PM
Thanks a lot.

I want to get prosthetics as well. Once I have the chat with my mom, I'll ask her if I can order some online.

I have top dysphoria but it's not as bad as my bottom dysphoria. I hate having boobs obviously but luckily I'm flat chested so they're too noticeable. I don't have binders atm so I wear training bras. I've always been fascinated with having a penis ever since I was little.

I'm the same way except opposite. My first conscious  awareness of it when I was 4

Quote from: stephaniec on January 23, 2014, 01:00:07 PM
believe me I feel so empty with out a vagina

It really stinks doesn't it?

Quote from: stephaniec on January 23, 2014, 01:05:39 PM
I'm the same way except opposite. My first conscious  awareness of it when I was 4

I don't remember the exact age I was when I first started wanting one. I do remember seeing my cousin's and a friend's when I was younger.. you know, just little kids being curious and showing off their body. Well, I don't remember the first time it happened but one of those times when they showed me what they have down there, I became fascinated with it. I was jealous and envious, and still am of cis guys. I was always a tomboy and would play with all the boys and I remember a few times seeing them use the bathroom and I wondered why I couldn't do that like them. I also wondered why I couldn't take my shirt off during the summer like all the boys could.

My bottom dysphoria is weird, to me. I don't mind messin with it, or anyone that I'm having sex with messin with it, but I hate for anyone to call it what it is. That makes me so anxious. I do pretty good in denial land. It's like if no one says it, it isn't real and I can pretend.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on January 23, 2014, 01:14:57 PM
It really stinks doesn't it?

I don't remember the exact age I was when I first started wanting one. I do remember seeing my cousin's and a friend's when I was younger.. you know, just little kids being curious and showing off their body. Well, I don't remember the first time it happened but one of those times when they showed me what they have down there, I became fascinated with it. I was jealous and envious, and still am of cis guys. I was always a tomboy and would play with all the boys and I remember a few times seeing them use the bathroom and I wondered why I couldn't do that like them. I also wondered why I couldn't take my shirt off during the summer like all the boys could.

My problem was I started wearing my sisters clothes at 4 and never stopped . around 7 or 8 I started having nightmares of my penis going down the toilet or falling off. I 've been like this a long time. I've never wanted my penis. I also was from early on so envious of girls vaginas .When ever I saw the girls with tight fitting pants and saw nothing bulging I knew that's how I wanted to look. As I got into my late teens and early 20's my penis mentally disappeared.

Quote from: TheLance on January 23, 2014, 01:29:24 PM
My bottom dysphoria is weird, to me. I don't mind messin with it, or anyone that I'm having sex with messin with it, but I hate for anyone to call it what it is. That makes me so anxious. I do pretty good in denial land. It's like if no one says it, it isn't real and I can pretend.

I touch myself sometimes and really, the only person I'm comfortable with touching it is me. I don't know it's just awkward and embarrassing for my partner to touch it during sex. I know you don't have to have a penis to be a guy and many FTMs choose not to have bottom surgery but for some reason I feel like I need a penis to feel completely comfortable. I feel like my partner won't be satisfied without me having one in bed.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on January 23, 2014, 01:36:36 PM
I touch myself sometimes and really, the only person I'm comfortable with touching it is me. I don't know it's just awkward and embarrassing for my partner to touch it during sex. I know you don't have to have a penis to be a guy and many FTMs choose not to have bottom surgery but for some reason I feel like I need a penis to feel completely comfortable. I feel like my partner won't be satisfied without me having one in bed.

It exactly the same for me. I've been mentally backwards as far as my parts operate since I was 20.

Totally not alone. I have never let anyone touch it, and I've never even used tampons. I personally find it to be...super creepy that I have a hole like that in my body. Lol. I definitely need to have bottom surgery to feel at peace with all this, but I try to take it day by day. My chest dysphoria is all-encompassing atm so I can ignore the bottom parts, probably until I have top.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 23, 2014, 01:33:44 PM
My problem was I started wearing my sisters clothes at 4 and never stopped . around 7 or 8 I started having nightmares of my penis going down the toilet or falling off. I 've been like this a long time. I've never wanted my penis. I also was from early on so envious of girls vaginas .When ever I saw the girls with tight fitting pants and saw nothing bulging I knew that's how I wanted to look. As I got into my late teens and early 20's my penis mentally disappeared.

I try to forget about my vagina and imagine I have a penis. I've even stuck some tissues in my underwear once to make it feel like I had something down there.

I wear boxer briefs now and I feel even more empty than I did when I was wearing girl's underwear. I'm wearing a boys underwear and I don't have the right parts. :/

Quote from: Mr Hockey on January 23, 2014, 01:45:48 PM
I try to forget about my vagina and imagine I have a penis. I've even stuck some tissues in my underwear once to make it feel like I had something down there.

I wear boxer briefs now and I feel even more empty than I did when I was wearing girl's underwear. I'm wearing a boys underwear and I don't have the right parts. :/

yea it really is an awe full feeling.

Yeah my chest dysphoria kind of owns my brain right now. I hate it...I worry that my bottom dysphoria will get worse after surgery. I decided that I am going to invest in a prosthetic as soon as I am financially able though, because even though it's not a pressing issue, I'd like to have a penis, whether I can feel it or not.

Quote from: alabamagirl on January 23, 2014, 01:14:21 PM
This is something I think about a lot. I have the parts you want, you have the parts I want. Why can't it be as simple as exchanging them? *Sigh*

Yup, that'd be amazing but not possible. :/

Sometimes I really hate myself for how I was born. I try not to; I should be happy I was even born and was a healthy baby. I just wish I could of been born how I was meant to be born as a boy. I don't even look like a girl in many ways, I honestly look better in boys clothes with a short haircut. For awhile I had really poofy, curly hair and would always put it in a ponytail and it looked awful. I've seen pictures of me when I was forced to wear girl's clothes, like at this wedding I went to two summers ago, and I do not have the body for a dress. I also have a lot of hair on my legs and arms and I choose not to shave it because it makes me feel like a guy. I get mistaken for a guy a lot in public, always have. I held the door open for this man at the store and he said "Thanks, man" and I've been called "sir" by countless substitute teachers in school and outside of school.

I do wear all guy clothes, mostly boxer underwear, tried brief and all, but like boxers best. I have a packer but sudden wear it as when I wear regular guy jeans, they a lose enough that I don't need to have anything in there to show.  When I wear my packer I am so conscious of it all the time afraid of it coming lose and worst falling down my pants leg.  The only time I really think about my vagina is when I put tampons in during shark week.  It doesn't cause me any problem otherwise.  It is those internal parts that cause shark week.

I played with boys growing up, liked their sports and they liked having another person on the team.  I would see how they would go behind a tree in the tall grass and pee and would be back playing quickly.  I so wanted to be able to do the same.  It so hard the summer between 7 and 8th when I started getting a chest and bleeding started.  It was much harder on me than the boys as they didn't see what was happening to me as nothing shows that they could see that summer.  It was then that I realize I was different from them and wouldn't develop boy parts.

Quote from: mm on January 23, 2014, 02:02:54 PM
I do wear all guy clothes, mostly boxer underwear, tried brief and all, but like boxers best. I have a packer but sudden wear it as when I wear regular guy jeans, they a lose enough that I don't need to have anything in there to show.  When I wear my packer I am so conscious of it all the time afraid of it coming lose and worst falling down my pants leg.  The only time I really think about my vagina is when I put tampons in during shark week.  It doesn't cause me any problem otherwise.  It is those internal parts that cause shark week.

I played with boys growing up, liked their sports and they liked having another person on the team.  I would see how they would go behind a tree in the tall grass and pee and would be back playing quickly.  I so wanted to be able to do the same.  It so hard the summer between 7 and 8th when I started getting a chest and bleeding started.  It was much harder on me than the boys as they didn't see what was happening to me as nothing shows that they could see that summer.  It was then that I realize I was different from them and wouldn't develop boy parts.

I don't have all guys clothes atm. My parents still get me girl's jeans and stuff but they know I like t-shirts so I have a lot of boyish shirts. I have some Nike shorts and stuff like that too. I got rid of most of my girl's clothes.

I definitely want to stock up on more guy's stuff next time I go to the mall or somewhere.

Quote from: alabamagirl on January 23, 2014, 02:18:05 PM
So jealous of that... I hate it when people call me 'sir,' or 'Mr. [not writing my last name here]'. It just... urrgh. It seriously sends me right into this awful feeling of depression. It's one of the most dysphoric experiences for me. No one ever mistakes me for a girl. Maybe when I lose weight and grow out my hair... get a more 'feminine' pair of glasses, things like that. I'm still pre-everything right now. The only thing appearance-wise that's changed is that I stopped wearing boxer-briefs and wear panties now, which does make me feel a bit better when I'm changing clothes, at least.

But yeah... I wish I had just been born a girl so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I try to stay positive and remind myself that I'll eventually be able to live as the right gender if I just be patient and keep working towards it, but sometimes it's hard to keep believing that.

It's a pretty good feeling but sometimes it's embarrassing. I sometimes feel bad like "why couldn't I just of been born as the right gender"? or "why can't I be comfortable in the body I was born with"? But I have to learn to get comfortable with it.

I feel the same way at times but mostly I'm confident that I'll be able to transition smoothly. I need to get my parent's approval though to get on T and stuff. I think my mom will be way more accepting than my dad with it. I feel the most dysphoria when I go over his house. I have to put on this act pretending like I'm into girl's stuff. He still gets me girl's things and gets on me about wearing boys clothes. I think he may be transphobic.. I don't know he's never mentioned anything about transgender but from the way he acts about me acting like a guy and even my younger step-brother about playing with girl's toys, I don't think he'll be too supportive.

I hate my vagina.

I hate bleeding out of it.

I hate using the bathroom from that thing.

I have decided that I will involve it for sexual purposes whenever I'm married.  Even though I hate it, there's still some erotic sensation down there.

I will strive to get bottom surgery though.  My bottom dysphoria is way worse than my top dysphoria.

Man, this topic hits close to home. I've always been dysphoric about my downstairs mix-up, but I didn't know how bad until recently. You see, when I was fresh out of high school, I realized that my feelings of being off or wrongly embodied were because I was transgender. When I looked up bottom surgeries after much deliberation, I was so disappointed by what the internet image search yielded that I made the decision to try to live as a woman and be happy with it. So I started to repress everything. All of it. But as many will tell you, repression is not how you fix things and it ain't exactly a healthy thing either.
Five or more years later I decided to come out when I realized I just couldn't live my life like that anymore, and I was tired of putting on a mask everyday. I sincerely did try though; no one could say I didn't.
After I came out, I was still repressing my feelings and dysphoria so that I wouldn't have to hurt. I'd seen so many other guys hurting over it, and I'd had quite enough of that noise in my life. I thought I could ignore it, but just like with repressing my true self, it was a BIG MISTAKE. It just piled up and piled up like an ignored dirty laundry basket, and eventually the load overflows. Here recently with the help of my therapist, I've been allowing myself to explore and feel, rather than repress and conceal. I have found recently where once I was sure I could transition and leave my naughty-bits alone, that it may not be good enough for me. I don't know what I'm going to do, how, how far to take it, or how much it'll run me. I just know that what I thought was once a cold, distant acceptance of my genitals was actually seething dysphoria just waiting for the box to be opened. And man, did Pandora rip it open like a kid on Christmas.