Quote from: Jill F on January 16, 2014, 09:01:20 PM
I just kept taking the paths that made me feel happiest with myself.  I tried things that worked, I tried things that clearly didn't, I took note, adjusted my bearings accordingly and kept moving forward.  I'm one to take things slowly and deliberately, so who knows where it all ends.  Anyway, here I am.  I'm Jill and that's how it will be from now on.

Although I'm a bit behind you on the path, this is kind of me too.

I take steps, some small and some big and I see how it feels. I started with how will I ever even tell anyone? and after a few months I'm in therapy and then on HRT, and at each step I think to myself 'do I like this?' And the answer keeps being yes.

After lots of agonised soul-searching I came into this eventually wanting to make a full a transition, and each step makes that desire stronger.

So , kind of less a slippery slope and more of edging into the water at the beach. Looking forward to getting right in there and swimming around

When you take steps that begin fixing things gravely wrong with you, you tend to keep taking more steps in that direction.  In that sense transition does lead to more transition if transition is right for you.  Every great odyssey starts with a single step.

Whatever plans you have for transition before you start are made with almost no actual experience or knowledge of what transition will mean for you.  You go along, you learn, you change your plans with the new knowledge you gain.  Don't ever hold yourself to ideas formed with almost no information.

Thanks for the awesome responses.  I think you've confirmed that it's a slippery slope, but not in a bad way.  It sounds like the slippery slope was leading up and away from who we really are, and we've spent most of our lives trying to climb up it.  Once we just let things be as they were meant to be and we decide to stop fighting who we are inside, we seem to slide gracefully (?) down to the bottom where life is just so much easier.  I think I'm starting to lose the will to climb.

HRT and other things I am doing feel right.

As I learn the fear I had is my fear,

as I strengthen my identity, it is my identity,

resistance to being me decreases and the attraction to the beauty inside me shines.

I am not becoming a girl, I am accepting I am a girl and it is right.

Quote from: __________ on January 15, 2014, 07:20:07 PM
Just a quick question for those of you who are in the process of transitioning or who have transitioned: did you find that once you dipped a toe in the water, you had to go for a swim?  In other words, once you open the door to transitioning, are you just about certain to walk through it?

Er, let me try that again without using a metaphor - does some transitioning lead to lots of transitioning, and in some cases does it lead to more transitioning that you really planned on doing when you first set out?

For me it was always the metaphor of give a mouse a cookie and he's going to want a cup of milk... It started off as a couple things and through my life just I wanted to do more and more and more and more. So now I dont want hide it and I now understand what it is. 

I don't understand 'more transitioning'

I jumped off the cliff and never looked back.  Being in-between wasn't an option for me.  All or nothing.  And now I'm just living the dream.  I'm ME.  Now on to whatever is next in my life.  It has been almost 6 years now and still happy as a clam!

Yes, a slippery slope, pandoras box and I used releasing the Genie from the bottle metaphor.  I actually had a failed transition attempt back in the 90s that left me with fear and further self loathing that i very much regret for the lost time and energy.  I didn't expect to transition this time either but sought out therapy for the growing and intense dysphoria.  Once I accepted myself as transgender there was no going back and Tessa is now more than my legal name.  This journey of self discovery and personal growth is the best part of my entire life to date.  Yes indeed there is something very compelling about the elixir of hormones and change that keep me wanting more!

Indeed I was very worried that transitioning would be a slippery slope and that once I set out that I would have little control over speed, direction and consequence.  Indeed my first interaction with therapy in the 90's formed and reinforced this fear.  This was a major reason for avoiding transitioning for many years and my life has been the poorer due to this.
However with more enlightened therapies becoming available and a growing maturity I found that I could determine the pace and extent of any change.  Further once I was introduced to, and accepted that a non binary outcome or greater androgyny were ok, if I was ok, then I realised that transitioning did not need to be just a quick descent and then a free fall or even a controlled downhill ski to an obvious endpoint   Rather you can don cross country skis - then proceed down a slope, wash off some speed, pick another slope, leave the piste,  change direction, accelerate, slow, retrace and then reset.  Perhaps not as popular as downhill skiing but a great journey and entirely owned and self authored.

 I simply tested the waters. when I finally got the courage I entered therapy and just talked out how I felt, why I felt this way than out of the blue my therapist asked if I wanted to see if HRT would help me. So I said ok, I was like the worst is I won't like the what happens and I can stop. Fortunately it was the right choice because it honestly made me feel like a missing piece of the puzzle was found, better word I started to feel normal inside and out now. So essentially yes, i dipped my toe in first and liked it.

Yes it become addiction for me. It doesn't really improve my life but really hard to stop it.

"Slippery Slope" doesn't do it for me personally.  In my case, I went through three stages:

• Decades of denial and self-hatred
• Four years of tetherball
• One day of walking into daylight

Tetherball:  I spent four years going back and forth.  Was I or wasnt' I?  Should I or shouldn't I?  I was envious of all the other women I met in group sessions who seemed certain.

Daylight:  My depression deepened - dangerously.  One night, I realized that I needed to commit myself to a different course of action - or face some serious consequences!  That night of decision was like walking into daylight for the first time in my life.  I have never looked back.

According to my therapist, it is. "Once you start down that path, it's difficult to stop, and even harder to turn around. Be sure it is something you really want before you head too far down that path."

With every step I have taken, I have an increased desire to take the next one and then the next one and then the next. A slippery slope indeed. 

I guess my difficulty has been work, where we have a very strict policy on transitioning:  We inform HR and management, take a week off to get all the legal stuff worked out for a full time change and then return to work full time.  It's a mandatory cliff to jump off.  However, in my job, I need to pass and pass fully.  How to get to that point has been very difficult.  One day, I look and act like a guy and one week later, I will have to look, act and be accepted as a woman.  That's hard.  For me, it has meant that I transition at one rate at home and at another rate at work.  It means FFS prior to any RLE.  It means voice lessons and speaking one way at home and a different way at work.  It really means this bizarre almost psychotic double-life existence. Putting on my clothes and being myself.  Then, the next day, I'm putting on terrible fitting man clothes and really hating those nine hours.  It's like going down the slop, hitting the breaks and jumping back, then going down further, hitting the breaks and jumping back to a point way up that slope.  Not the best way to transition.  I'm so close though.  Six more weeks to FFS....

Hugs,

Jen

I wouldn't describe it as a slippery slope, since I decided to transition before I started doing anything at all. I also came out to my closest friends and family before doing much.

That said, while it's taking ages to even get HRT here (I sometimes fear it could take years - four months later and I have been told to wait six more months to perhaps get a new referral which will perhaps lead to me getting an appointment yet a few months later, and then I'll be evaluated for at least a year before I perhaps get HRT - but 8 out of 10 people are rejected. Nice), I've found that every time I take a step, like shaving my body, dressing more feminine etc, I find it impossible to go back.

So I guess it's not really a slippery slope, since that is when you don't really want to go further. I definitely do. But it definitely is a "one-way road" for me, since taking a step means it's incredibly difficult to reverse. Not that I want to, anyway. It's just a bit impractical at time when I need to make a "normal" impression on people. I considered stopping until I get the medical part of it going, but that would drive me insane.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 18, 2014, 10:25:30 AM
I don't understand 'more transitioning'

For me, transitioning is about finding the place where I'm comfortable, and it's a process rather than an end result.  It's not necessarily about pursuing an absolute transition from 100% male to to 100% female in every possible area of my life and body so as to achieve a point of finality where I can say, "Yup, I'm finally a girl and I don't need any more transitioning," so there'll always be room for more.  Right now, I'm getting some relief by wearing pieces of subtle female clothing once in a while, or a little makeup, or growing my hair out, etc.  The relief is actually noticeable.  I feel far better when letting myself drift towards a more feminine appearance, and it's making me wonder where this might end - with just enough to make me feel comfortable, or will it inevitably lead to that 100% transition?

Obviously a question that only I can answer, but it's always good to hear the experiences of others.   

Quote from: JLT1 on January 25, 2014, 04:39:41 PM
I guess my difficulty has been work, where we have a very strict policy on transitioning:  We inform HR and management, take a week off to get all the legal stuff worked out for a full time change and then return to work full time.  It's a mandatory cliff to jump off.  However, in my job, I need to pass and pass fully.

That sounds unpleasant. Made me think of the gatekeeping therapists but maybe/hopefully I'm misunderstanding something.

I look at pics of me from last year and often think, "You sure were brave to go out like that!" Newbie makeup skill level. Newbie hair styling skill level. Made me look... Like a work in progress.

Good luck with the FFS though!

Once you dipped your toe in the water you will possibly get an euphoria feeling and your emotions will probably changes with the hormone if you plan to use them. Then as any bio women you will possibly want more : gain/lose weight, bigger boobs or else.

In my case I believe I was happy the first day I started HRT but I realized after 2 weeks that my new emotions were even more realistic to express my truly happiness. I must admit that I think about surgeries and else now and I wasn't really at the beginning.

We all know that we want what we doesn't have so yeah transitioning may become big depending on your needs but you still control the beat.

Quote from: Misato on January 26, 2014, 03:45:15 PM
That sounds unpleasant. Made me think of the gatekeeping therapists but maybe/hopefully I'm misunderstanding something.

I look at pics of me from last year and often think, "You sure were brave to go out like that!" Newbie makeup skill level. Newbie hair styling skill level. Made me look... Like a work in progress.

Good luck with the FFS though!

Paige,

Yes, there is some gate-keeping involved.  Technically, if a person wants to transition, work is behind that person with lots of support: a strict non-discrimination policy, employee training of everyone and fantastic insurance (FFS is 90% paid, BA is 90% paid, SRS hits 100% paid, therapy is 90% paid and prescriptions are 90% paid plus we have six months full paid leave to deal with everything). With all the support, someone backing out of transition really is expensive.  They make it a little tough.  I had to go to a contracted psych on behalf of the company.  The report was a simple yes or no.  I got the yes.  I had some serious contact with management, HR and others in the company.  The other component is that while overt discrimination isn't allowed, there is subtle discrimination and a trans person can fall victim to that if they are not careful: make no waves during the first year. Experience has taught the transitioners that the way to do it is what I described.  Avoid the awkward phase at all costs.  Other lessons are: build a network of allies, have another job lined up in 3M if things blow up on the original job and do not upset HR.

It isn't easy, especially at my level.  This year, they will spend over $75,000 on my transition excluding my salary that will be paid at 100% for about five months while I'm not working. Yet, even with all that my company is doing correct, it still really sucks.

Now, about you.  Paige, you are one of the bravest persons that I have ever met.  Your commitment puts me to shame.  Throughout my transition, I have looked at what you have done and said to myself numerous times two things: "I don't know how she did that." And "If she did it, I can too.".  I am so glad that you are back and doing well.

Thank You.

Hugs,

Jen

Quote from: JLT1 on January 26, 2014, 08:04:18 PM
Paige,

Yes, there is some gate-keeping involved.  Technically, if a person wants to transition, work is behind that person with lots of support: a strict non-discrimination policy, employee training of everyone and fantastic insurance (FFS is 90% paid, BA is 90% paid, SRS hits 100% paid, therapy is 90% paid and prescriptions are 90% paid plus we have six months full paid leave to deal with everything). With all the support, someone backing out of transition really is expensive.  They make it a little tough.  I had to go to a contracted psych on behalf of the company.  The report was a simple yes or no.  I got the yes.  I had some serious contact with management, HR and others in the company.  The other component is that while overt discrimination isn't allowed, there is subtle discrimination and a trans person can fall victim to that if they are not careful: make no waves during the first year. Experience has taught the transitioners that the way to do it is what I described.  Avoid the awkward phase at all costs.  Other lessons are: build a network of allies, have another job lined up in 3M if things blow up on the original job and do not upset HR.

Sounds stressful. But I had to be accepted into the program where I get therapy so, that's kinda similar. Six months paid leave is nice and will certainly come in handy. Should go a ways to absorbing any awkward phase. Bugger about my awkward phase was I didn't know I was going through one at the time. I didn't make the makeup mistakes and my attire was work appropriate, but my hair. OMG my hair! And a Mardi Gras O' Riffic necklace.

I do think they likely understand that there will be some new challenges waiting for you when you get back on the job and HR will hopefully be lenient should some waves end up being made. It's different being in the workplace as a woman. I mean I want to attribute:

• The lack of eye contact I get in meetings
• Being asked a question by someone in a group conversation and not being given a chance to respond because someone else starts to speak before I can draw breath to answer
• The quick dismissal of my ideas
• Not getting answers to questions I ask

To things like my co-workers just not knowing me or not trusting my savvy. Yet when I relay my experiences to other women... they nod and in some cases proceed to relay similar stories from their lives. Dealing with mistreatment like this can be aggravating.   

Quote from: JLT1 on January 26, 2014, 08:04:18 PM
Now, about you.  Paige, you are one of the bravest persons that I have ever met.  Your commitment puts me to shame.  Throughout my transition, I have looked at what you have done and said to myself numerous times two things: "I don't know how she did that." And "If she did it, I can too.".  I am so glad that you are back and doing well.

Thank You.

It warms my heart to know that I've been able to tell my story and give support here in such a way that it resonated with and inspired you. Yet, I don't think there's really anything special about what I've done and I imagine the day will come when someone will tell you how you inspired them with your commitment and bravery, if that hasn't happened already. Then again, if it hasn't, today seems like a good day to remedy that:

Jen,

I know you have some huge hurdles you've going to have to handle, like your position in the company, that I have no idea how I would have approached solving. Girl, let me assure you are showing bravery and commitment to your healing at least on par to what you see in me, if you don't eclipse me.