Hello,
I have been lurking for awhile as I became more comfortable sharing with you all. From all the posts that I read, I find this forum to be supportive and so very therapeutic for me as a MtF transgender woman. I recently came out to my therapist and we are working together to build the courage to come out to my family. I am in the process of joining a Trans* support group here in Toronto, and look forward to meeting others like myself.
I have read many of the narratives and feel a real connection to them on a very deep personal and intuitive level. I will be 40 soon and late in coming out but I am unable to bare the shackles of confinement that contribute to my own closeted unhappiness any longer.
I guess I should share a bit of my history with you. I have felt different since I was about 4 years old, when I first expressed myself as I truly felt. At the time it was not well received by my parents, my father in particular, and that experience taught me to follow the prescribed binary path publicly, but I soon learned to express my true self privately. I can recall the first time I sneaked into my mothers closet and immediately felt a total sense of serenity washing over me. For the first time, as fleeting as it was, I felt a wholeness about me. I had learned to compartmentalize my private life from the public persona. That did not work out too well, as I was an awkward, lonely teenager, an overly shy loner with bouts of anxiety and depression. Of course, like everything else, I learned to suffer in private. Eventually I wanted to do something about it, and at 19 I was determined to come out and transition. Without the benefit of internet support or knowledge of where to look, I failed in finding an appropriate psychologist that understood or was able to support me. I decided I needed to move on temporarily with a promise to myself to try again.
Life started to get busy with College and then my life moved on to my career, which was/is wildly successful. Of course, I continued to feel the angst and depression which merely added to feelings of being disconnected and going through the motions of life without ever feeling satiated or happy. My temporary wait lasted 20 years, and now here I am.
With the support of my therapist specializing in trans* issues, and the new outlook I have, I can viscerally feel the beauty in rainbows and the warmth from the golden rays of sunshine for the very first time. I cannot tell you how hopeful and happy I feel about my new journey and look forward to participating and more importantly learn here with you all.
