Transition can be a delicate business. Who do we tell and when? When should work know? How will family take it?

Some of us seem to do it all at once, some of us do it in steps, and at different speeds.

Still however much we might plan there always the risk of the text message you send to wrong person, the chance encounter with your boss on a Saturday night, the photo uploaded to your other Facebook page...

So what have you done? How did it fall out? Is there any way to stop it happening? Or was a it a good thing in the end?

...and I'll start because of only gone and done the same thing myself.

I have two twitter accounts. One is me and the other is the male me. Li have them both there on my phone app and it's easy to switch between the two. You can guess what's coming...

Yesterday I replied to a friend who is not in the know's tweet from the wrong account, and it was an hour or so before I realised what I'd done and deleted it. Maybe he saw it and maybe he didn't. If he did maybe he'll say something next time I see or maybe he won't.  Whatever will be will be.

Just two hours before this possible disaster I'd had my first shot of progesterone. I was on an absolute high and world was making me giggle.

In the evening I was making dinner, thinking about my mistake and I was crying tears of despair at the same time as I was laughing hysterically at the delicious irony of the situation.

I've always been pretty level headed and slightly distant, so I think the hormones are doing something to me.

Talk about heightened emotions

I kinda wish I had the guts to just do it all at once. So far I'm doing it in steps. My local friends were the first. Then a handful of distant friends. And one family member.

And I've decided to tell no one else until I'm farther along in my transition.

My roommate still doesn't know. Although he has caught me in girl mode three times now - the last of which he just turned and faced the wall until I left the room. So, I don't really think he wants to know. Fine by me, so long as he continues to be an ostrich about it rather than violent about it.

I do want to tell my best friend, but, he's currently in China for school, and email and text message are the only means of communication we have, and I feel like he deserves more than some brief text or a very confusing and emotionally charged email about it. But, at the same time, I'm going to be picking him up from the airport in June, and I'm guessing HRT will have made a lot of very obvious changes by then, so, he's in for a surprise unless I can find another way of telling him sooner. This, sadly, has put some strain on my local friends, as they're friends with him too, and they don't want to out me to him before I've had the chance to talk to him about it.

My employer will be the last to know, ideally. Although, I nearly got caught by a coworker in girl mode at a gas station this morning. Damn small town...

Hi Joan,

I was seen by a family member driving the company car. The fall out when it happened was pretty quick. About 4 days in all.

And no, there really isn't any way to stop it, irrespective of how hard you try. There will always be that 'one' slip.

It's the common outcome of any situation you don't take total and absolute control over. Procrastination can be hidden under so many guises.

If you don't take immediate steps to remediate a situation, which can include taking time, often someone/thing else will take control of it for you. In such cases you may not like the outcomes imposed, in preference to the outcomes you planned.

All in all, it was a good thing. Quick, to the point and decisive. I was even able to bring the journey forward by a year.

Hope you are able to manage your fallout.

Huggs
Catherine

I was never going to come out to anyone any way other than on my own terms.  Until April, 2013, the only people that knew were my wife, my therapist, two doctors, the pharmacy and the people at the laser place.  Since I intended to remain full-time and NEVER present male again, I did the following-  I told my parents and let them process it.  A couple of days later, the in-laws, siblings and close friends/family members.  The next Monday, my wife's co-workers and via Facebook the following day.  I basically just ripped off the proverbial band-aid and let the chips fall where they may.  I'm not one to care what other people think of me, and was happy to find out who these people in my life really were, one way or the other.

So I lost a drunkle who is a recovering Jehovah's Witness and someone I haven't seen in over a dozen years.  Everyone else was either with me right from the start or came around eventually.

It wasn't really an "oops" moment. It was more like "I don't give a damn about what happens". It was during the short period when I was experimenting with long skirts, dress shoes, etc. This guy that I was "sort of" friends with (by this time, anyway. We used to hang out but I hadn't seen the dude in six months at this time), calls me out of the blue and asks if it's cool if he stops by since his wife was in town doing this and that and he basically wanted to get away from her.

I was wearing a red top, long black skirt and black dress shoes. I said: "sure, come on over". Once I hung up the phone, I thought to myself: "Hmmm, should I change my clothes or not?" I decided to say: 'screw that. Let's see what happens.' Hell, even if I was wearing jeans he still would have noticed something was up since I was basically the same clothing size as his wife (give or take a size or two).

So, he shows up and the look on his face when I opened the door was PRICELESS! His eyes damn near fell out of his skull. I just played it off and was like: "come on in". We sat down on the couch and he was totally stunned. It was really funny at first because he honestly thought I was wearing some kind of Indian garb. Why he thought that is still a mystery to me. I was like: "Nope. This is a women's top, This is a women's skirt and these are women's dress shoes." Then I launched into this whole discussion about how I was transitioning and and how I was going to see a therapist, start electro, taking hormones, the whole nine yards.

He sat there silent for an entire minute and all he had to say was: "Now a lot of things make perfect sense", since he had been out with me countless times and people thought that I was a genetic female. He finally understood why that always made me so happy. Sure, I never saw the dude again after that but I didn't care. I thought he was a total hypocrite anyway since he always claimed that he would be my friend no matter what, even though people always talked crap about me. But I KNEW that if I ever transitioned he and any other friends I had (I only had 3 of them) would ditch me and they all did.

I didn't care. I'm better off without those fake losers.

I was out and about in female mode one day when I stopped by a starbucks to get some coffee. My mind was wondering elsewhere when they asked me what my name is and without thinking I blurted out <boy name> - Whoops! I immediately corrected myself but the cat was way, way out of the bag by then. And yes, i did have people staring at me the whole time after that; I wanted to shrink and disappear but that didn't happen, so I just had to stand there and wait until my coffee was ready 

For me so far there has only been the "oops I know you told me hot to tell anyone else but...".

Yeah two of those. My wife outted me to her older sister and I told a good friend who has been like a sister to me and she told another friend who thankfully happened to be LGBT extremely friendly. Like threatening to beat people up for me while I was in Atlanta visiting.

So lately I have been extra careful in making sure that the friends and family that I tell completely understand that due to my work place it can't get out until either our HR department drafts some new LGBT friendly policies OR I find a new job elsewhere.

My old chemistry teacher was a lay minister before going full time and one day he took the service at church.I told him I was a former pupil and he asked my maiden name.
"Brown" I answered
"I remember Kate and Maureen,which one were you?"
"Jimmy"
He was OK about it and understood why I was such a monster kid at school

I think that by going into work en femme after my last gender counselling session was just asking to be outed! I did get changed once I got there but I guess it was rather risky...

I posted a message early on in the transgender facebook group I belong to. I didn't realize that whatever you post in a facebook group gets broadcast to all your friends, even those not in the group.

So everyone found out I was looking for a gender therapist.

Quote from: missadventure on January 27, 2014, 09:20:35 PM
I kinda wish I had the guts to just do it all at once. So far I'm doing it in steps. My local friends were the first. Then a handful of distant friends. And one family member.

Damn small town...

That was kind of my plan. This friend was one of the next but one group to tell.  And I live in a moderately small place as well so I feel your concern.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on January 27, 2014, 09:25:58 PM
Hi Joan,

I was seen by a family member driving the company car. The falls when it happened was pretty quick...

All in all, it was a good thing. Quick, to he point and decisive. I was even able to bring the journey forward by a year.

Hope you are able to manage your fallout.

Huggs
Catherine

Thanks for the hugs

I guess things worked out for the best in the end. Maybe not what you'd wanted, but it was something you took control of and made work for you.  I hope I can do the same if things do go pear-shaped.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 27, 2014, 09:46:23 PM


I didn't care. I'm better off without those fake losers.

I guess it's a pretty good test of friendship in the end.  At least you got to see the look on his face

Quote from: Jill F on January 27, 2014, 09:26:53 PM
I was never going to come out to anyone any way other than on my own terms.  Until April, 2013, the only people that knew were my wife, my therapist, two doctors, the pharmacy and the people at the laser place.  Since I intended to remain full-time and NEVER present male again, I did the following-  I told my parents and let them process it.  A couple of days later, the in-laws, siblings and close friends/family members.  The next Monday, my wife's co-workers and via Facebook the following day.  I basically just ripped off the proverbial band-aid and let the chips fall where they may.  I'm not one to care what other people think of me, and was happy to find out who these people in my life really were, one way or the other.

So I lost a drunkle who is a recovering Jehovah's Witness and someone I haven't seen in over a dozen years.  Everyone else was either with me right from the start or came around eventually.

That really was taking hold of the situation! i was hoping to take a more gradual approach, but we'll have to see what happens now.

Eva Marie

I'm glad that where I am Starbucks don't ask for a name.  I might just do the same thing

Christine

That is definitely something to keep in mind.  I guess there's a learning curve to coming out as well

big kim

I really like that story

Grace

That is sailing pretty close to the wind

And Suzi...

Social networking can really be difficult to control eh.  I''ve been suffering Twitter trauma all day and I'm getting the heeby-geebies just looking at the icon on my phone's screen 

I "planned" to take small steps in my transition. So after I "planned" to take small steps. I ended up meeting two new girls at work and told them fairly quickly about myself. This lead to a few interesting discussions and I enjoyed everyone of them because they were like a side I've never seen before. But anyway... on my very first public outing anywhere! I was with one of my new girl *friends* and bam we run smack dab into three people I work with!!  So here I am with horrid wig and no makeup standing in heels with three co workers staring.    I honestly couldn't say a word...and ended up just walking away quite. But fortunately the rest of the trip went well in a clothing store and I had allot of fun. 

No one at work has mentioned this as far as I know. But the general opinion of me around work has shifted slightly from what it was just before my outing.    I honestly dont care what they say. Thier all going to find out around a year's time anyway. It just makes it easier later I guess.

Though one of my new girl *friends* never would reply to my texts or messages away from work. But during work, face to face she would always joke and talk with me. I would ask her why she never replied to me and it was always I forgot or some other lame excuse. So I only talked to her at work when time was open. Then suddenly out of the blue, both of my new friends didnt want to talk with me or were always busy when ever I was around. This followed up with one girl calling me a total creeper for texting her and talking with her at work!  Just out of the blue this change and I was very open with everything and never pushed a topic!  Honestly it was a curve ball because I treated them as friends and always would ask if I could help or if I offended them from talking about girl topics so often. It was never a problem... ever... all smiles. Then this happens!  Out of the two people I told my most personal secret too. Only one will still remotely talk with me over twenty seconds...    The other is in complete avoid mode.  So I dunno I feel used and lied to.  Any idea on what I did wrong?

I think maybe the work gossip got around about me to be honest. Because this was just a 180 change in them or I was just some interesting pet for their discussions...
*Edit* this was also over the period of three months...

Not trying to thread hi-jack. This just seemed to apply to outing ourselves.

Quote from: Natallie553 on January 28, 2014, 08:34:37 AM
Any idea on what I did wrong?

My guess is that too much was said too quickly and it all became too much for them to handle. I think your best plan of action going forward (because you'll need women friends & allies at work when you do come out) is to back way off, be polite and pleasant always, DO NOT TEXT THEM, and allow them to get to know you better over time. I think it could go either way at this point; you are a hot topic right now on the female grapevine and all of the women will be watching and will be cautious because of whats being said.

I had started to present female part time (everywhere but at work) shortly after getting my current job. I wondered to myself how long it would be before running into a coworker while en femme.

I got my answer three months later. My mom and I wanted to go to a Chinese buffet and the one we normally got to was too busy so we went to another one we hadn't been to in years. Sure enough, across the room one of my coworkers was sitting at a table and waved to me.

I wasn't too worried. By then guy mode had started to become more of "I don't give a damn" mode.

Quote from: ErinM on January 28, 2014, 11:26:59 AM
I wasn't too worried. By then guy mode had started to become more of "I don't give a damn" mode.

I have those moments, but so far they aren't all encompassing. They last for a day, and then I go back to being cautious.

Although, I did once respond to my female name at work. That was an "oops" moment. Although I was able to play it off as "Oh, I though I heard 'John', not 'Jenn'"

Quote from: Eva Marie on January 28, 2014, 09:09:09 AM
My guess is that too much was said too quickly and it all became too much for them to handle. I think your best plan of action going forward (because you'll need women friends & allies at work when you do come out) is to back way off, be polite and pleasant always, DO NOT TEXT THEM, and allow them to get to know you better over time. I think it could go either way at this point; you are a hot topic right now on the female grapevine and all of the women will be watching and will be cautious because of whats being said.

I'll definitely take your advice! I'm going to go real slow now and let them do the topic talking I guess. I've never been super clingy or me me me. So its really odd for me to get a response like this. It seemed like a slap in the face almost. :/

This was over the course of three months so it wasnt all within a week. We even planned to go out to more places together until the change of heart. Abit of a let down for me, but I have time.